Here’s The Thing – Thank You For A Great Super Bowl, Stonecutters!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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So let’s see, what to talk about today … bowling? Cricket? Amazingly yummy kale recipes? Nah, I guess we’ll discuss that football game, The Super Bowl or whatever. I mean, bowling and cricket are boring and yummy kale recipes simply do not exist, so we might as well discuss the incredibly ridiculous Patriots comeback that may or may not prove Tom Brady is from another planet.

See, Here’s The Thing; What an amazing 4th quarter. As a football fan, there is no way you couldn’t have enjoyed that. (Well, as a football fan outside of Atlanta. For fans in Atlanta, it had to feel like a 45 minute colonoscopy from Edward Scissorhands.) I know, I know, the Patriots are Evil and they should take the field to The Star Wars Imperial March and Bill Belichick is obviously one of The Stonecutters, but for pure football entertainment, the 4th quarter was just about unmatched in Super Bowl history. The game itself was eerily reminiscent of Super Bowl 23; fairly dull for three quarters, then a flurry of activity and scoring in the final frame, culminated by a 90+ yard touchdown drive by one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game. Montana went 92 yards to beat the Bengals, Brady went 91 to send it to Overtime. I didn’t care – TRULY didn’t care and had no dog in the fight – and I was losing my mind watching what simply couldn’t happen, happen. No way does Matt Ryan lose a fumble at THAT moment, when the Patriots absolutely HAD to have a field-flipping turnover. No way do the Falcons continue to put a linebacker on James White. No way does Atlanta get pushed out of FG range after THAT catch by Julio Jones. No way does Julian Edelman catch that ball. NO WAY DOES JULIAN EDELMAN CATCH THAT BALL! (Yes, that one deserved to be repeated) No way do the Falcons continue to not blitz. Finally, after winning the overtime coin toss, NO WAY are the Patriots not scoring a touchdown. At that moment, game was ovah.

Look, I still can’t believe what I watched, and THAT is the mark of spectacular theater. The kind of incredible, breathless, mind blowing, unscripted theater that can only come from sports. Oh, and a yummy kale recipe involves replacing the kale with bacon. You’re welcome.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – These Jokes Are Golden

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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I greet you today as I always do, friends and inmates. With a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Of course, after the news of yesterday that song is “Yellow River” by I.P. Freely, but that’s mostly because I’m basically still 12 years old. Finding it difficult to write about sports today without inserting all kinds of peepee jokes, but let’s give it a go, shall we? (Hehe … “go”)

See, Here’s The Thing; I’m having trouble saying or doing anything today without it leading to a weewee joke for several reasons. Number one … HAHA! “NUMBER ONE!” OK, last one of those, I promise. Number….FIRST, because as I said I’m an overgrown child at heart, and jokes about peepee and poopoo are right about my level. (Side note: a solid fart noise will NEVER not make me laugh, and if you don’t agree, we likely can’t be friends) Number two (STOPSTOPSTOP!) with the way the world is today, subtlety has been lost on many. You can’t dance around the point, even in a joke. You have to feed the information directly to people, with a steady, strong stream right in their face. Drown them in it, you understand? Comedy these days seems to only have an impact when people have paid good money to have the flood of jokes come directly at them, and most comedy clubs are successful when multiple performers can shower the audience with what they want, not just one guy. Let me tell you something else I’ve learned in over 21 years of comedy: If you can make jokes so straightforward they somehow break the language barrier, you are golden. I mean, let’s say if you can make those who speak (as a random example) Russian fall to their knees, thoroughly enjoy the comedy you’re spraying at them, and pay to come back for more, you have a chance to be one of the most powerful people in the free world. Seriously, gather all of your joke streams and push them together into one headed directly at your target, and urine for a treat.

Look, tomorrow we may mo e on to something different, but for today (even though I’m not Chinese) I play joke, I put peepee in your Coke.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – NoL! It’s GambliChristmas!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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We’ve reached the end of another week, and we’ve also reached the end of waiting for Christmas my naughty and nice friends! OK, I have no nice friends. We’re all on the Naughty List. In fact, we’re most likely the ones labeled “Ringleaders” on that list. That’s OK, as Billy Joel once said I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the Saints. To that end, let’s talk some gambling!

See, Here’s The Thing; It’s a Christmas visit from Gamblicus, everyone! He doesn’t come down your chimney though, he just barges in the front door, demands bourbon, and in return gives you the greatest sports gambling tips this side of a manger. So let’s get to it! I predict Navy puts up 50+ in their game against Louisiana Tech. I predict Troy and Ohio will play one of the Top 3 most exciting Dollar General Bowls of all time, as far as you or anyone else knows or cares to research. I predict you’ll watch the Aloha Bowl, gaze wistful upon the sunshine, and start planning a family trip to Hawaii that will never materialize. I predict the Dolphins lose to Buffalo, muddying the AFC Playoff picture and giving Rex Ryan an excellent excuse to be obnoxious at his press conference. I predict the upset of the week comes in Chicago. I predict that at 0-14, this Browns season has me missing DirecTV’s Super Creepy Rob Lowe commercials. I predict road wins for the Chargers, Titans, Colts, 49ers and Bengals. I predict double digits wins for the Cowboys, Chiefs, Steelers, Seahawks and Saints. I also predict a double digit win for the Patriots, but only because a triple digit win seems slightly unrealistic. Slightly. I predict Cam Newton will literally be hit on the head with a sledgehammer during game play, but after further review, no targeting penalty will be called. I predict it will be cold in Green Bay, but the announcers won’t mention it, because they rarely do. Right? Finally, I predict that unwrapping a locked up #1 overall pick will be the best thing Cleveland experiences this entire season.

Look, I don’t care how many wise men there are, Gamblicus is the wisest of all. So go win yourself some gold and frankincense. Oh, and Happy Holidays to each and every one of you.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Zuzu’s Petals

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Today is the Winter Solstice, officially the shortest day of the year. Which is good for me, because it means technically I’ll waste less daylight messing around and attempting to work the word “fartknocker” into an NFL Playoff analysis. (It’d be easier if the Jets were still alive) At any rate, it means that from here on out, the days get longer and things get brighter.

See, Here’s The Thing; As a sports fan, we always want to believe that the future is brighter, that better things are coming, that free pizza and Jell-o shots are on the way. Of course, for those of us who root for the Browns or the 76ers or the Washington Generals, seeing things getting better is easy, because outside of the team plane being hijacked or an alien bursting from our chest while we reach for the nachos, it can’t get worse. can it? (You know what, if it can, don’t tell me) The essence of sports fandom is believing that the best is yet to come, that our favorite team is improving, that they can make that miracle run through the playoffs and hoist that championship trophy. Sometimes, for teams like the Cleveland Cavaliers and Chicago Cubs, it’s a long, tortuous slog that ends up in an indescribable pile of glory. Other times, for teams like the Cleveland Browns and the Philadelphia 76ers it’s a long, tortuous slog that ends up in an indescribable pile of torture and slogging, not to mention curse words that heretofore did not exist. We HAVE to hold onto our optimism, or we end up in a George Bailey spiral of anger and self-loathing. Whether it’s a player returning from injury, or a super high draft pick on the way, or simply that the team announced that Bacon Wrapped Cronuts are coming to the concession stand starting next game, there is always a reason to stay positive. It doesn’t mean everything is rainbows an unicorns, be realistic, but much like the hours of sunlight will increase after today, we must believe that tomorrow is going to be better.

Look, be a realist all you want, but remember: Zuzu’s petals are alway there, in your pocket, in some form. Slow down and look, I promise they’re there.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – 2017 MLB Season Is Already Over. Go Home.

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Greetings and salutation to both the showerers and non-showerers out there in radioland. Much like the house in Poltergeist, all are welcome. Today we will discuss sports fans and media handing out championships months too early based on little to no evidence, and why you don’t have to wait until the end of the season to know that I’m 100% right and anyone who disagrees is a big, dumb doofus.

See, Here’s The Thing; It’s December, and sports media has teamed up with the Twitterverse to decide that the Red Sox will win the 2017 World Series. I mean, if the media says it, it must be true, right? So why even play the season? Let’s just hand out the hardware and save everyone a lot of time, injuries and wildly expensive stadium nachos! Well, that sounds solid except for one thing: teams that win December don’t necessarily win championships. Every year we go through this exercise of declaring baseball teams champs because they signed some high priced free agents or made some giant trade. Every May it looks great. Every June we start to question it. Every September we make fun of them for wasting their time. Then the next December we start the process all over again! Hooray for the definition of insanity! Don’t get me wrong, the trade for Sale was a solid move for Boston and on paper should help them tremendously – heck, he could end up winning Game 7 for them. All I’m saying is that as far as I know, the vast majority of Major League Baseball game aren’t played on paper. (Some are, mostly the ones in Canada, but those only count as 78% of an American game anyway, so…) There will be other moves made this week/.There will be injuries and off years and surprise stars we can’t possibly know about yet. There will be streakers on the field and fat guys in front of us at the concession stand who somehow take the last of the Dodger Dogs, forcing us into the previously mentioned overpriced nachos. Can we wait for that to declare a champion? Please?

Look, I like the offseason as much as the next guy – more than him, if the next guy is really into musical theater – but it’s only a starting point. Folks, when I am the calm voice of reason, we know this stuff has gotten WAY out of hand.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – The CFP: No Number Stops The Arguing

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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We’re back, ladies and breath mints. Well, actually we never left. We just weren’t together the past few days. I mean, I guess some of you could have left. I don’t know, I wasn’t with you. What were we talking about? Whatever it was, let’s discuss the College Football Playoff, and by “discuss” I of course mean “yell and shout and call each other names that would embarrass our mothers.”

See, Here’s The Thing; So it’s Alabama, Clemson, Ohio State and Washington. No more arguing, no more debating, it’s done … and if you believe the “no more arguing” part, I’d like to tell you about my latest can’t miss Multi-Level Marketing company, because you’ll believe anything! This year proves yet again that any system – ANY system – that involves voting will be stupid. Let me take it a step further: expanding to 8 teams (which I favor, by the way) will only INCREASE the “who should be in” arguing, not eliminate it like some are suggesting. There are several reasons: 1 – The difference between #4 and #5/6 is usually more defined than the difference between #8 and #9 or even #12-14; the top 4 teams are close to perfect in their record, but by the time you get to #8 you’re looking at teams with very flawed resumes, 3 or maybe even 4 losses. Look at this year, who’s #8? Wisconsin? USC? Colorado? Florida State? Oklahoma State? Louisville? Western Michigan? West Virginia? Stanford? Go ahead, tell who’s demonstrably #8 and #9 out of that group without arguing. I’ll wait… 2 – There are 64 teams in the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament, and the March arguments are legendary, so there is NO number of teams that would eliminate the debates. 3 – College Football is big business. They’ll expand when and only when the financial numbers bear it out. 4 – The Illuminati want it this way, and much like The Saviors on Walking Dead, they get what they want. You can’t argue with any of my reasoning. No wait, you can – that’s the point, as long as there’s “voting” there will ALWAYS be arguing.

Look, I don’t know what the perfect system is, but any one that includes voting or “the eyeball test” will. Be. Flawed. Doesn’t matter this year anyway, nobody’s beating ‘Bama. Go ahead: argue with me.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – CFP Rankings = One Night Stand

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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The College Football Playoff rankings were released last night, causing some fans joy, others anger and still others to pause the DVR in the middle of catching up on The Walking Dead and say “Oh crap, that was tonight?” (BTW, we don’t invite that third group over the house all that much) The experts have given their opinions, and now I will weigh in with mine, which is several thousand light years away from the planet Expert.

See, Here’s The Thing; As I sit and ponder the most current rankings, what strikes me most is this: There are still three weeks left in the season, so these rankings are completely meaningless. Fun, but meaningless. Kind of like the immense lies men and women tell each other in bars at 2:17AM; fun to consider, certainly attempting to be truthful based on the swirling reality of that Jaegermeister moment, but ultimately only pertinent to the next 90 sweaty minutes. With a minimum of seven more games between the Top 15 teams, the upsets and insanity of this past week were the beginning of the chaos, not the end. Ohio State plays Michigan, Alabama plays Auburn, Oklahoma play West Virginia and Oklahoma State, Ohio State/Michigan/Penn State play Wisconsin, and Washington still has a gauntlet to run, thereby giving fans across the country a myriad of opportunities to throw online hatred at strangers. This list doesn’t take even into account Washington State and Arizona State taking shots against the Huskies, Michigan with a backup quarterback, rivalry games where anything can happen, or the SEC East winner pulling off the impossible against Alabama. Try as I might, I can’t find a path for my Fighting Irish to get back into the mix, but other than that just about everything is still unsettled, including my stomach after the questionable looking sushi I had last night. If I must though, my current Top 4 are Alabama, Ohio State, Louisville and Clemson. I know, I know; I’m stupid, right?

Look, people these days seem to have this fascination with arguing about the destination, when they should just sit back and enjoy the journey. These next three weeks are going to be a blast, so join me in rooting for the lower ranked team in every game, won’t you? #ChaosRules

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – NFL Quarterback Prospects

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Greetings, friends and inmates! It’s another great day in the neighborhood, especially if you’re an unashamed NFL draft addict like me. We’ve reached the point in both the college and NFL seasons when even the most casual fan starts to let one eye wander towards draft boards and player rankings, and begins to argue violently with other fans about a quarterback prospect they first heard of roughly 17 minutes ago. It’s a glorious time of year!

See, Here’s The Thing; If the NFL Draft is an industry in and of itself (and it is) then arguing about quarterback prospects is the product that drives that industry’s profit margin. Every Draft Season, there are more hot takes at football tailgates than there are idiots throwing up on their dates. (and if you’ve ever tailgated in Columbus, you know that’s a large number) This year, most of the arguing will center around the underclassmen. If DeShone Kizer declares, NFL scouts have already installed him as the clear #1 prospect, so be prepared to hear from Twitter scouts about how Notre Dame quarterbacks have failed recently, and how his footwork isn’t ideal, and how he looks like this guy who works at the bank and that guy’s a jerk so anyone who drafts Kizer is automatically a jerk, too. As for Deshaun Watson, we’ll hear about systems from folks who couldn’t discern 21 personnel from 91 personnel. (See, if you didn’t know there is no 91 personnel, please stop reading now and go listen to Skip Bayless shout) Brad Kaaya will have his arm strength questioned repeatedly by guys who couldn’t lift a nine pound bag of dog food if their four year old was trapped under it. Luke Falk will be called an “Air Raid” product, Mitch Trubisky will have an avalanche of hype followed by a bigger avalanche of hate, and Chad Kelly will be called a maniac and compared to everyone from Brett Favre to Machine Gun Kelly (Not Jim Kelly, the actual criminal from the 30s). Basically, it’ll be business as usual, and business is good!

Look, I don’t pretend to be an expert on quarterback prospects, but as of today I think DeShone Kizer is the undisputed top prospect in this class, and if you disagree, come call me stupid on Twitter. hey, everyone else does.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Almost!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Football Got NEXT!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – PhelpsFace (And Other Olympic Stuff)

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The thing – The NFL – ONE WEEK TO GO

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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