Here’s The Thing – Steve’s Things

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Hello there, friends and inmates, it’s good to talk to you again. I’ve just returned from Las Vegas, after attending my daughter’s three day volleyball tournament, and I’m tired. Not the normal Vegas-tired, after 5AM tequila shooters and mornings spent uttering the phrase “Where are my pants?” and “When did I get a Yosemite Sam tattoo on my buttcheek?” No, this is just old people/parent tired. Either way, focusing this morning has been difficult. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – Super Bowl Locks With Gamblicus

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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It’s finally here, friends and inmates, the final Mortal Lock Friday before the Super Bowl! That magical Sunday when football fans gather with non-football fans to watch a game, have fun and become annoyed with the non-football fans after about 8 minutes of having to answer questions with “No, Johnny Manziel isn’t in this game,” “I don’t know why their uniforms don’t have more red in them,” and “I’m sorry no one is eating your broccoli, but I TOLD you not to bring it!” [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – Super Bowl Prop Bets

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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It’s Super Bowl week, friends and inmates! The one day a year when people of all races, religions and creeds gather together, clog their arteries, ruin themselves for work the next day, and most importantly root against the Patriots. It’s also the best time of year to gamble away your family’s savings, not only on the game itself but on silly, ridiculous prop bets that no sane person would risk anything on. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – Norm Peterson Saves The World

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Well I want to say good morning to you, friends and inmates. So I will. After all, it’s my two minutes of airtime, and I’m a free man as long as my wife isn’t here to tell me what to do, so I’ll do what I want: GOOD MORNING, FRIENDS AND INMATES. It’s a glorious morning in my part of the world, as I’ve been exchanging Cheers quotes with friends all morning on Twitter. Why does that make it a great morning? Well…

See, Here’s The Thing; My Twitter, my rules, my fun. Besides the fact that Cheers is the greatest sitcom of all time and I will fistfight you in the town square at high noon if you disagree don’t come AT me … sorry, got a little worked up there. My point is, for a guy who thrives on chaos and despises order and routine, the unpredictability of Twitter is a Godsend. For SportsTwitter fans, this chaotic existence holds true to the highest magnitude. The fact that complete strangers can jump into your sports conversation with intelligent witty comments is endlessly fascinating to me. The fact that complete strangers usually jump into your sports conversation with misspelled, vulgarity-laden stupid comments is endlessly entertaining to me. For example, yesterday I had no idea when I woke up that I’d end up being on the butt end of a comment including the phrase “Boo! Ass(bleep)! Boo!” Now I ask you, how can that NOT be one of your best days ever? Some people get so frustrated on social media and I don’t understand it – if someone else wants to be an aggressive moron, that’s just more fodder for my Fun Machine! Point out their idiocy! Egg them on! Most of the time, their own words make them look like a far bigger doofus than anything I could say, so I give them all the rope they want to hang themselves, then sit back and enjoy the show. As that wise old sage Norm Peterson once said “Is any of this going to raise the price of beer? No? Then what do I care?”

Look, we don’t have to agree on sports, it’s not worth fighting about. We only have to agree that Cheers is the greatest sitcom of all time. That? Well, that’s worth dying over. I will cut you. Try me.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Countdowns Are Cool

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Did you know it’s 19 days until The Super Bowl? I do, because countdowns are something that I love. I am a red blooded American male and a sports fan, which by law means I love bacon, cheerleaders, steak cooked rare, beer in mass quantities, and knowing exactly how many days until my next opportunity for bacon, cheerleaders, steak cooked rare and beer in mass quantities. Plus, counting backwards is cool. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – DraftTwitter And Testosterone Fights

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Well joyous greetings to you, friends and inmates. Another glorious day of sunshine coats the Earth, we’re all above the dirt and breathing and most of us don’t have angry squirrels attacking our genitals. In other words, it’s a good day. You’d never know that if you’re an NFL fan and currently reading DraftTwitter, though. You’d think we’re 4 hours into The Purge, and you’re the best friend that everyone just knows isn’t going to make it to the end of the movie. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – And The National Championship Goes To…

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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It’s a new year, a new day, and we have a new National Champion in college football. Good to be back with you in 2017, ladies and people who lie to the ladies on a regular basis. I’ve recovered from my holiday eggnog coma, at least to the point where I can confidently discuss the National Championship Game, draw certain conclusions from it, and fight on Twitter with anyone who disagrees. In other words: I’m fine.

See, Here’s The Thing; What. A. Game. Clemson and Alabama put on a classic, the kind of game that makes me feel bad for people who don’t like sports. Not as bad as I feel for people who don’t like bacon, though. Actually, I don’t feel bad for those people, I feel mad at them. You don’t like bacon? What are you, some kind of psycho nutjob? You should be on multiple No Fly lists, you maniac. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Clemson. An amazing show by both teams, that literally went down to the last second, as well as the last ounce of energy for many of the guys on the field. The amount of hitting in that game was NFL level, and you could see most of those guys were running on empty by the third quarter – which is what made the incredible athletic display of the 4th quarter all the more impressive. Champions are made when the tank is on “E,” when guys find just one more play, just one more burst, and multiple champions were made last night. Deshaun Watson, Mike Williams, Wayne Gallman, Hunter Renfrow, Dabo Swinney and Ben Boulware for his postgame “I don’t kill zombies to survive, I kill zombies because I LOVE IT” level interview, all took their respective games to another level after Alabama punched them in the mouth early and appeared poised to run away with the title. It’s that type of transcendent effort that separates the good from the great, and the great from the Champions. What we saw last night was championship level, all the way around, and I am grateful for having been able to watch.

Look, if you don’t like sports that’s OK, but you’re missing out on some fantastic, unscripted human drama. Congratulations Clemson, it’s Awards Season and you’ve won a great one.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – McCaffrey And Supermodels

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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OK, so everyone in SportsLand is up in arms today about Christian McCaffrey not playing in a Bowl Game to start his NFL Draft preparation. At least, I think they’re up in arms. Some of them could be up in legs, or hips, or spleens for all I know. I’m just saying they’re upset. I’m also saying that if you’re one of those who is upset, you should probably hold on tight, you wouldn’t want to fall from that great height on your high horse. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus Is Santa

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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If everybody’s working for the weekend, well then everybody’s made it, because the weekend is here! (Also, you should negotiate a pay raise) Yes, I do know that’s an ancient song reference. No, I don’t care. Hey, do you want to stand here and quibble over whether I’m “old” or “really old,” or do you want Gamblicus to give you the best gambling tips in this and most of the other galaxies?

See, Here’s The Thing; It’s Mortal Lock Friday, which means our old friend Gamblicus will pop his head out and see if we’re going to get six more weeks of winter. No wait, that’s not Gamblicus. I apologize, that’s Bill Murray. Anyway, why don’t we take a look and see who’s going to win what in the world of sports this weekend? I predict the number of shirtless guys and guys dressed as Santa in the stands in Buffalo will be greater than the number of points scored between the Bills and Browns. I predict the hype about Matt Moore and his “gunslinger” mentality heads to new York and suffers the same fate as most gunslingers in The Old West: shot in the back while sitting in the outhouse. I predict that those who are upset with LeBron James resting for a game in December are those who have taken multiple days off this year for great reasons like “I just can’t even” and “How can I be expected to work when Chloe’s life is in turmoil?” I predict Draymond Green kicks a guy in the nuts. (OK, that one is a gimme) I predict a major free agent baseball signing in Cleveland. I predict the upset of the week comes from the Not For Much Longer San Diego Chargers. I predict the Panthers, Saints, Bengals and Colts keep their flickering playoff hopes alive. I predict a road win for the Patriots, a home loss for the Texans, a growing “What if Matt Barkley is the guy at quarterback” movement in BearsTwitter, and a complete and utter annihilation of two dozen bacon-wrapped chicken wings on my couch. That’s right, Daddy’s home.

Look, if Gamblicus had ever been wrong there might be cause for hesitation, but as sure as it’s the weekend, he’s right. Go forth and gamble, degenerates!

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Picking Out A Thermos For You

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Well hello there neighbor! Won’t you come in and watch while I change my sweater and my shoes? No. No, that would be creepy wouldn’t it? How was that a show for children? I’m musing about things from my childhood, because I noticed that 37 years ago today, The Jerk was released into theaters. It was 1979, Steve Martin was already my idol, and the sports world was a turnin’-round.

See, Here’s The Thing; Today is going to be a look into the WayBack Machine. I know the young ‘uns out there don’t want to listen to a middle aged guy go on and on about things that happened before cellphones and the internet and cellphoneone & internet porn, but when you get your own radio spot, you do what YOU want. 1979 was a seminal year for me, both in terms of what would eventually become a career in comedy, and in my sports fandom. The Cleveland Browns were 1 year away from the magical Kardiac Kids season, and in ’79 were showing signs of what was to come with Brian Sipe, a couple of Pruitts and Dave Logan. The Pittsburgh Steelers were winning Super Bowls, and my Dad was helping me towards a deeper understand of hatred for that team, by teaching me curse words that to this day I’ve never heard anywhere else. The ’79 Pirates were proving that being a Family can bring you a World Series Title, especially if Willie Stargell is the Dad and he defies Father Time. In 1979 the Canadiens were winning the last of four consecutive Stanley Cups, and we were about to see the era of the Islanders approach. In 1979 Alabama was winning the National Championship … OK, so not everything is different. In ’79 we saw the deaths of Thurman Munson, Darla and Mr Ed, plus the births of Ladanian Tomlinson, Ron Artest and Pink. Most importantly, I saw the birth of my understand that to be funny, no linear system has to be followed. Non-sequiturs and outright silliness can be hilarious if done properly, and I learned that by seeing The Jerk.

Look, I don’t need you to understand. All I need is this paddle game and this remote control and this chair, and that’s all I need. Unless you want to trade it for a thermos.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – 12 Days Of The NFL Playoff Chase

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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We’re back, friends and you! As we barrel headfirst down the home stretch of both Christmas and the NFL Playoff race, I’d like to take today and do a Here’s The Thing version of the Twelve Days Of Christmas. I’d like to, but I don’t have nearly enough time for that song, and it’s really difficult to sing that “ladies dancing” part without making cheap stripper jokes and snickering like a 12 year old. So let’s just talk about the playoff chase, shall we? [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – December NFL Fans: Draft Nuts Group & Playoffs Group

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Good morning, fellow wanderers. As the NFL season rounds the quarter pole and heads into the home stretch, the screaming and emotion that you associate with racing fans as the horses thunder towards the finish line is exactly what you can find in football fans, in real life and especially across the internet. However, the excitement is divided among two very distinct groups of December fans: The Playoffs Group, and the folks we’ll discuss today: The Draft Nuts group. [Read more…]