Here’s The Thing – Super Bowl Locks With Gamblicus

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

It’s finally here, friends and inmates, the final Mortal Lock Friday before the Super Bowl! That magical Sunday when football fans gather with non-football fans to watch a game, have fun and become annoyed with the non-football fans after about 8 minutes of having to answer questions with “No, Johnny Manziel isn’t in this game,” “I don’t know why their uniforms don’t have more red in them,” and “I’m sorry no one is eating your broccoli, but I TOLD you not to bring it!”

See, Here’s The Thing; The biggest game of the year is also the last game until next fall, and that’s sad. However, Gamblicus is here to tell you exactly how to win enough money to do rich people stuff during the football break, and that’s happy and fun and drunk and naked and those are all good things. So let’s get to it! I predict Tom Brady and Matt Ryan throw for 8 touchdowns between them. I predict the over/under goes over by the third quarter. I predict I know four people who will lose money on the coin flip. I predict there will be one commercial that makes everyone cry, and one commercial that women think is gross while men laugh hysterically. I predict Taylor Gabriel will catch a 3 yard pass, and the announcers will mention that he, Alex Mack and Dion Lewis are former Cleveland Browns no less than 57 times. I predict Chris Hogan scores two touchdowns, and NO ONE mentions the teams he used to play for. I predict my chicken wing intake will rival the annual chicken wing intake of several former Eastern Bloc countries. I predict Julio Jones will be removed from existence by a Belichick scheme. I predict at least two Roughing The Passer calls cause FootballTwitter to use the phrase “Why don’t they just put these quarterbacks in a skirt?” I predict at least nine guys are referred to as “One of the most underrated in the league.” I predict the halftime show will suck, because all halftime shows suck. Finally, I predict Patriots 44, Falcons 31.

Look, this is it for football until the fall, so breathe it all in, folks. Here’s hoping you have an amazing Super Bowl party … hey, on Monday let’s talk about The Draft.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Super Bowl Prop Bets

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

It’s Super Bowl week, friends and inmates! The one day a year when people of all races, religions and creeds gather together, clog their arteries, ruin themselves for work the next day, and most importantly root against the Patriots. It’s also the best time of year to gamble away your family’s savings, not only on the game itself but on silly, ridiculous prop bets that no sane person would risk anything on.

See, Here’s The Thing; Super Bowl Prop Bets should be renamed what they really are: the gambling version of Heisenberg Blue, for junkies who are WAY past redeemable. Since people seem to be willing to give their money away on anything, I’m going to make up some of my own prop bets this year and see how much money I can take in. Sure, everyone knows you can bet on silly things like the length of the National Anthem, the coin toss and who will score first in the game, but did you know you can also wager on whether the first play is a run or pass? Or who the MVP will mention first in his postgame interview? or what color Gatorade will be dumped on the winning coach? I propose that you can now bet on whether or not the first injury of the game will be a leg, an arm or a testicle. How many cheerleaders will get run over on the sidelines, and will any of them be impregnated by Gronk? FYI, the over/under of how many chicken wings I’ll eat during the game is currently set at 312. How many people will I punch for talking the entire game and only watching the commercials? Will there be nudity during the halftime show? Will that nudity be on screen or just me at my party? The over/under on how many people at my Super Bowl party wearing Cleveland Browns gear is set at 1.5. (If you’re smart, you’ll take the under) Finally, it’s +250,000,000,000 that I will have sex the night of the Super Bowl. THAT, my friends, is what’s known in Vegas as a “Sucker Bet.”

Look, it’s your money, and Gamblicus will be here Friday to tell you exactly how to gamble it, but just remember: Prop bets are coin flips. Allocate your cash accordingly.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Norm Peterson Saves The World

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Well I want to say good morning to you, friends and inmates. So I will. After all, it’s my two minutes of airtime, and I’m a free man as long as my wife isn’t here to tell me what to do, so I’ll do what I want: GOOD MORNING, FRIENDS AND INMATES. It’s a glorious morning in my part of the world, as I’ve been exchanging Cheers quotes with friends all morning on Twitter. Why does that make it a great morning? Well…

See, Here’s The Thing; My Twitter, my rules, my fun. Besides the fact that Cheers is the greatest sitcom of all time and I will fistfight you in the town square at high noon if you disagree don’t come AT me … sorry, got a little worked up there. My point is, for a guy who thrives on chaos and despises order and routine, the unpredictability of Twitter is a Godsend. For SportsTwitter fans, this chaotic existence holds true to the highest magnitude. The fact that complete strangers can jump into your sports conversation with intelligent witty comments is endlessly fascinating to me. The fact that complete strangers usually jump into your sports conversation with misspelled, vulgarity-laden stupid comments is endlessly entertaining to me. For example, yesterday I had no idea when I woke up that I’d end up being on the butt end of a comment including the phrase “Boo! Ass(bleep)! Boo!” Now I ask you, how can that NOT be one of your best days ever? Some people get so frustrated on social media and I don’t understand it – if someone else wants to be an aggressive moron, that’s just more fodder for my Fun Machine! Point out their idiocy! Egg them on! Most of the time, their own words make them look like a far bigger doofus than anything I could say, so I give them all the rope they want to hang themselves, then sit back and enjoy the show. As that wise old sage Norm Peterson once said “Is any of this going to raise the price of beer? No? Then what do I care?”

Look, we don’t have to agree on sports, it’s not worth fighting about. We only have to agree that Cheers is the greatest sitcom of all time. That? Well, that’s worth dying over. I will cut you. Try me.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Countdowns Are Cool

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Did you know it’s 19 days until The Super Bowl? I do, because countdowns are something that I love. I am a red blooded American male and a sports fan, which by law means I love bacon, cheerleaders, steak cooked rare, beer in mass quantities, and knowing exactly how many days until my next opportunity for bacon, cheerleaders, steak cooked rare and beer in mass quantities. Plus, counting backwards is cool.

See, Here’s The Thing; I love looking forward to “the next fun thing.” I’m a happy go lucky guy most of the time (I’m also a happy go naked guy, and perhaps not coincidentally, the two often overlap), so I spend a great deal of energy having fun in the moment. However, I also know that anticipation can be a close cousin of fun, so I have numerous countdowns in the calendar of my phone. For example, it’s only 26 days until Pitchers and Catchers report to Spring Training, which means it’s only about 32 days until people get bored with Spring Training and start being excited that it’s only 75 days until Opening Day. It’s also 75 days until The Final Four begins, and you have to grumble about losing your office March madness pool to a lady who made her picks based on which team’s animal mascot would win in a fight. 134 days until the NBA Finals are scheduled to begin, which means about 148 days left for me to answer every sports taunt with “Cavs: NBA Champs, baybee!” (Hopefully they renew that for me) Did you know it’s only 41 days until the NFL Combine? It’s true! 41 days until middle aged and old men watch young men run around in their underwear for a week, and somehow no one thinks it’s weird and creepy and borderline NAMBLA-esque! After that, 51 days until NFL Free Agency, and 99 days until The NFL Draft, where middle aged and old men write names of young men on note cards, pass them around, and we sit glued watching it on our TV’s for three entire days. I’ll bet you didn’t know all that. I’ll bet it’s because you have a life.

Look, I could sit here and pass along countdowns all day, but it’s only five more days until I get to go home. That’s my favorite countdown.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – DraftTwitter And Testosterone Fights

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Well joyous greetings to you, friends and inmates. Another glorious day of sunshine coats the Earth, we’re all above the dirt and breathing and most of us don’t have angry squirrels attacking our genitals. In other words, it’s a good day. You’d never know that if you’re an NFL fan and currently reading DraftTwitter, though. You’d think we’re 4 hours into The Purge, and you’re the best friend that everyone just knows isn’t going to make it to the end of the movie.

See, Here’s The Thing; For fans of the NFL Draft, DraftTwitter is a necessity that everyone seems to hate. Kind of like if you were told you must eat Brussels Sprouts to survive. You’d do it, but you’d try to wrap them in something that tastes better than Brussels Sprouts, like bacon, or old coffee grounds, or gasoline or wolf puke… No one is ever happy in DraftTwitter. Ever. Reading DraftTwitter, you’d think the world was ending, there was a giant Space Ark with less than a dozen seats remaining, and who gets those seats was being decided by an all out fistfight to the death over completion percentages, fluid hips, hand size and the phrase “Pfft do you even watch film, bro?” For a bunch of people who seem to realize there is NO way you’re going to get everyone to agree with you on any player in the draft, they get viciously angry when everyone doesn’t agree with them on every player in the draft. Honestly, I’ve had more luck figuring out why my wife is mad than why some in DraftTwitter are mad, and the times I’ve apologized to my wife without having a clue as to why numbers in the thousands. How can this be changed? I don’t think it can. Simply put, a bunch of sports guys simmering in testosterone will always want to fight. Over ANYTHING. The NFL Draft, women, donuts, women, merging on the highway, women, whether Die Hard is a Christmas move, women, more donuts, women, or even chicks; it’s always going to be a chest beating contest, and the question “Who knows more about football” is what the kids would call a trigger issue.

Look, debate in DraftTwitter all you want, I’d rather do something more productive, like argue about politics. Now if you’ll excuse me, it really is a nice day. I’m going to go enjoy it.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

Here’s The Thing – And The National Championship Goes To…

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

It’s a new year, a new day, and we have a new National Champion in college football. Good to be back with you in 2017, ladies and people who lie to the ladies on a regular basis. I’ve recovered from my holiday eggnog coma, at least to the point where I can confidently discuss the National Championship Game, draw certain conclusions from it, and fight on Twitter with anyone who disagrees. In other words: I’m fine.

See, Here’s The Thing; What. A. Game. Clemson and Alabama put on a classic, the kind of game that makes me feel bad for people who don’t like sports. Not as bad as I feel for people who don’t like bacon, though. Actually, I don’t feel bad for those people, I feel mad at them. You don’t like bacon? What are you, some kind of psycho nutjob? You should be on multiple No Fly lists, you maniac. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Clemson. An amazing show by both teams, that literally went down to the last second, as well as the last ounce of energy for many of the guys on the field. The amount of hitting in that game was NFL level, and you could see most of those guys were running on empty by the third quarter – which is what made the incredible athletic display of the 4th quarter all the more impressive. Champions are made when the tank is on “E,” when guys find just one more play, just one more burst, and multiple champions were made last night. Deshaun Watson, Mike Williams, Wayne Gallman, Hunter Renfrow, Dabo Swinney and Ben Boulware for his postgame “I don’t kill zombies to survive, I kill zombies because I LOVE IT” level interview, all took their respective games to another level after Alabama punched them in the mouth early and appeared poised to run away with the title. It’s that type of transcendent effort that separates the good from the great, and the great from the Champions. What we saw last night was championship level, all the way around, and I am grateful for having been able to watch.

Look, if you don’t like sports that’s OK, but you’re missing out on some fantastic, unscripted human drama. Congratulations Clemson, it’s Awards Season and you’ve won a great one.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – McCaffrey And Supermodels

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

OK, so everyone in SportsLand is up in arms today about Christian McCaffrey not playing in a Bowl Game to start his NFL Draft preparation. At least, I think they’re up in arms. Some of them could be up in legs, or hips, or spleens for all I know. I’m just saying they’re upset. I’m also saying that if you’re one of those who is upset, you should probably hold on tight, you wouldn’t want to fall from that great height on your high horse.

See, Here’s The Thing; I fully support these guys right to not risk their careers in what is ultimately one last money grab of their names and abilities by the NCAA. I’m not one who says “Pay all of these players!” because I believe that a college education s more than a fair trade for their abilities, and I sincerely wish that when i was in college, there had been scholarships available for people really good at eating breakfast for dinner, or quoting lines from “Cheers.” However, I’ve always said that when a team EARNS something extra such as a bowl game, the players should receive some form of percentage of that payment, because that’s above and beyond the agreed upon education-for-ability exchange. Similarly, the players who become stars should receive a portion of any jersey/merchandise sales with their names/number/likeness on them. That’s something not every player on the roster earns – in America, hard work and success = better pay, better opportunities and most importantly a far more attractive wife or husband. Which brings us back to McCaffrey, whose hard work and dedication has led him to the opportunity to earn millions of dollars at the next level, as well as dates with celebrity actresses and supermodels. Would YOU risk a shot with Kate Beckinsale, Eva Mendes or Tyra Banks for The Sun Bowl? You would? Seriously? You’re freaking nuts! I’ve kind of lost my train of thought here by thinking about supermodels, but my point is this: whether you agree with their decision or not, these guys “owe” nothing to anyone but themselves and their families.

Look, I love watching these guys play too, but I’m not about to put my viewing pleasure above their life choices. I allow no one to dictate to me what’s best for my family, and I’d never do the same to them.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus Is Santa

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

If everybody’s working for the weekend, well then everybody’s made it, because the weekend is here! (Also, you should negotiate a pay raise) Yes, I do know that’s an ancient song reference. No, I don’t care. Hey, do you want to stand here and quibble over whether I’m “old” or “really old,” or do you want Gamblicus to give you the best gambling tips in this and most of the other galaxies?

See, Here’s The Thing; It’s Mortal Lock Friday, which means our old friend Gamblicus will pop his head out and see if we’re going to get six more weeks of winter. No wait, that’s not Gamblicus. I apologize, that’s Bill Murray. Anyway, why don’t we take a look and see who’s going to win what in the world of sports this weekend? I predict the number of shirtless guys and guys dressed as Santa in the stands in Buffalo will be greater than the number of points scored between the Bills and Browns. I predict the hype about Matt Moore and his “gunslinger” mentality heads to new York and suffers the same fate as most gunslingers in The Old West: shot in the back while sitting in the outhouse. I predict that those who are upset with LeBron James resting for a game in December are those who have taken multiple days off this year for great reasons like “I just can’t even” and “How can I be expected to work when Chloe’s life is in turmoil?” I predict Draymond Green kicks a guy in the nuts. (OK, that one is a gimme) I predict a major free agent baseball signing in Cleveland. I predict the upset of the week comes from the Not For Much Longer San Diego Chargers. I predict the Panthers, Saints, Bengals and Colts keep their flickering playoff hopes alive. I predict a road win for the Patriots, a home loss for the Texans, a growing “What if Matt Barkley is the guy at quarterback” movement in BearsTwitter, and a complete and utter annihilation of two dozen bacon-wrapped chicken wings on my couch. That’s right, Daddy’s home.

Look, if Gamblicus had ever been wrong there might be cause for hesitation, but as sure as it’s the weekend, he’s right. Go forth and gamble, degenerates!

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Picking Out A Thermos For You

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Well hello there neighbor! Won’t you come in and watch while I change my sweater and my shoes? No. No, that would be creepy wouldn’t it? How was that a show for children? I’m musing about things from my childhood, because I noticed that 37 years ago today, The Jerk was released into theaters. It was 1979, Steve Martin was already my idol, and the sports world was a turnin’-round.

See, Here’s The Thing; Today is going to be a look into the WayBack Machine. I know the young ‘uns out there don’t want to listen to a middle aged guy go on and on about things that happened before cellphones and the internet and cellphoneone & internet porn, but when you get your own radio spot, you do what YOU want. 1979 was a seminal year for me, both in terms of what would eventually become a career in comedy, and in my sports fandom. The Cleveland Browns were 1 year away from the magical Kardiac Kids season, and in ’79 were showing signs of what was to come with Brian Sipe, a couple of Pruitts and Dave Logan. The Pittsburgh Steelers were winning Super Bowls, and my Dad was helping me towards a deeper understand of hatred for that team, by teaching me curse words that to this day I’ve never heard anywhere else. The ’79 Pirates were proving that being a Family can bring you a World Series Title, especially if Willie Stargell is the Dad and he defies Father Time. In 1979 the Canadiens were winning the last of four consecutive Stanley Cups, and we were about to see the era of the Islanders approach. In 1979 Alabama was winning the National Championship … OK, so not everything is different. In ’79 we saw the deaths of Thurman Munson, Darla and Mr Ed, plus the births of Ladanian Tomlinson, Ron Artest and Pink. Most importantly, I saw the birth of my understand that to be funny, no linear system has to be followed. Non-sequiturs and outright silliness can be hilarious if done properly, and I learned that by seeing The Jerk.

Look, I don’t need you to understand. All I need is this paddle game and this remote control and this chair, and that’s all I need. Unless you want to trade it for a thermos.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – 12 Days Of The NFL Playoff Chase

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

We’re back, friends and you! As we barrel headfirst down the home stretch of both Christmas and the NFL Playoff race, I’d like to take today and do a Here’s The Thing version of the Twelve Days Of Christmas. I’d like to, but I don’t have nearly enough time for that song, and it’s really difficult to sing that “ladies dancing” part without making cheap stripper jokes and snickering like a 12 year old. So let’s just talk about the playoff chase, shall we?

See, Here’s The Thing; While the eight Maids-A-Milking and I were studying the NFL standings page for Browns draft scenarios, I noticed something odd: there are lots of teams still alive for playoff spots. Now, for Cleveland fans this is a weird and confusing concept, but apparently it happens to other tams every year. While I personally am not 100% sold that this isn’t some completely made up conspiracy like the Loch Ness Monster or Scientology, let’s examine some of the different potential playoff teams. The Cowboys, Patriots, Chiefs, and Raiders are in. The Lions need Mr Miagi to come fix Matt Stafford’s finger, while the Packers want to go full Cobra Kai and sweep Stafford’s leg. The AFC North teams need one of them to be slightly less bad than the others. The Dolphins need Matt Moore to channel his inner Earl Morrall (Google it, Millenials). The Colts need all of their bad draft picks to not play like bad draft picks, and for Andrew Luck to play like good Andrew Luck. The Texans need and would be thrilled if Brock Osweiler just played like Bad Andrew Luck. The Bills and Vikings need wins and a lot of help, including as many Lords-A-Leaping as possible. (I don’t know what that means, either) The Saints, Bengals, Cardinals and Panthers need wins and a lot of other team’s plane crashes. The Browns? Well, the Browns need Wyoming QB Josh Allen to declare for the draft. Never heard of him? Not surprising, you’re probably following this mythical “playoff chase” thingee instead of the reality of draft preparation. Freaks.

Look, the mad dash of the final three weeks is going to be a blast. The playoff chase is always breathless, because unlike in the song, there’s only one golden ring to be had.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – December NFL Fans: Draft Nuts Group >>> Playoffs Group

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Good morning, fellow wanderers. As the NFL season rounds the quarter pole and heads into the home stretch, the screaming and emotion that you associate with racing fans as the horses thunder towards the finish line is exactly what you can find in football fans, in real life and especially across the internet. However, the excitement is divided among two very distinct groups of December fans: The Playoffs Group, and the folks we’ll discuss today: The Draft Nuts group.

 
See, Here’s The Thing; You watch the NFL in a completely different manner once your team is out of it, and there’s no fooling anyone about being in the playoff hunt anymore. Now, while most of us knew our team was out of it everywhere but on paper all the way back to October 3rd, there are some that are just now coming around, and to them I say “Welcome to the gritty side of the tracks.” This is the side of NFL December that Patriot fans know nothing about. The side where we look each week to see who needs to lose. The side where we know more about the Strength Of Schedule tiebreaker than we do about what our kids want for Christmas or any of their friends’ names, especially that weird one with the purple streaks in her hair. The side where we can’t actually bring ourselves to root for our team to lose, but we’re not exactly crushed when it happens, either. The side where short term pain is endured for the potential of long term gain in the form of draft prospects who are all obviously the next Tom Brady … if we get them. (If they go to another team, they’re overrated busts) We in the Draft Nuts group feel sorry for you Playoff group fans, because all you have to root for is wins. We get to root for so many variables, and watch so many games with a purpose, that it makes your head swim to the point where excess drinking is not only acceptable but encouraged. Who’s the winner NOW?

Look, you can have your playoffs. I just know that the Rams-Falcons game effects the Browns in more ways than you can imagine, and that’s not crazy at all. Hey Draft Nuts Group – who has more fun than us, huh?

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus Returns

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Great Googly Moogly Morning, friends and defendants! It IS a great morning! Not only because we’re alive, not currently in captivity, and most of our test results came back negative, but because this incredible day marks the return of one of our most treasured Americans to these airwaves: Gamblicus is here for Mortal Lock Friday.

See, Here’s The Thing; The greatest gambling mind of our generation graces this air every Friday. From the wagering advisor to the Caesars, to my bloodline, an end run around Grey’s Sports Almanac and direct to you, our loyal listeners and the people trapped in their cars with them, you get the most guaranteed winners anywhere, right here. So what does Gamblicus say this week? Well … I predict Washington and Clemson both win, thereby eliminating any of the ridiculous possibilities of Michigan and Ohio State getting in over the team that won their division and their conference, or several days of debating Wisconsin and Colorado, or insane people with guns shouting on talk radio about Oklahoma or Oklahoma State. (the insane people with guns will still shout on talk radio, it’ll just be about other topics like immigration and the contentious Fruit Loops Vs Lucky Charms debate) I predict the people who will argue about Navy and Western Michigan need a girlfriend. I predict that after smartly avoiding a work stoppage, there will be a major trade in baseball that causes everyone to go ahead and award the 2017 World Series to a team that will ultimately finish 4th in their division. I predict I will utterly destroy at least two dozen chicken wings. I predict the upset of the week in the NFL happens in Jacksonville. I predict road wins for the Cowboys, Eagles, Dolphins and 49ers. I predict home losses for the Jets, Bengals and Ravens. I predict that the Browns bye week will give me a relaxing Sunday afternoon, which I will ruin by putting up the Christmas tree and lights and doing an excellent Clark Griswold impression, except with more cursing in front of the neighborhood children.

Look, Gamblicus shows up, Gamblicus gives golden predictions, Gamblicus is right. These are facts. What you do with that information is up to you, friends and countrymen. Now go forth and double your holiday gift fund.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt