Here’s The Thing – Countdowns Are Cool

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Did you know it’s 19 days until The Super Bowl? I do, because countdowns are something that I love. I am a red blooded American male and a sports fan, which by law means I love bacon, cheerleaders, steak cooked rare, beer in mass quantities, and knowing exactly how many days until my next opportunity for bacon, cheerleaders, steak cooked rare and beer in mass quantities. Plus, counting backwards is cool.

See, Here’s The Thing; I love looking forward to “the next fun thing.” I’m a happy go lucky guy most of the time (I’m also a happy go naked guy, and perhaps not coincidentally, the two often overlap), so I spend a great deal of energy having fun in the moment. However, I also know that anticipation can be a close cousin of fun, so I have numerous countdowns in the calendar of my phone. For example, it’s only 26 days until Pitchers and Catchers report to Spring Training, which means it’s only about 32 days until people get bored with Spring Training and start being excited that it’s only 75 days until Opening Day. It’s also 75 days until The Final Four begins, and you have to grumble about losing your office March madness pool to a lady who made her picks based on which team’s animal mascot would win in a fight. 134 days until the NBA Finals are scheduled to begin, which means about 148 days left for me to answer every sports taunt with “Cavs: NBA Champs, baybee!” (Hopefully they renew that for me) Did you know it’s only 41 days until the NFL Combine? It’s true! 41 days until middle aged and old men watch young men run around in their underwear for a week, and somehow no one thinks it’s weird and creepy and borderline NAMBLA-esque! After that, 51 days until NFL Free Agency, and 99 days until The NFL Draft, where middle aged and old men write names of young men on note cards, pass them around, and we sit glued watching it on our TV’s for three entire days. I’ll bet you didn’t know all that. I’ll bet it’s because you have a life.

Look, I could sit here and pass along countdowns all day, but it’s only five more days until I get to go home. That’s my favorite countdown.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – DraftTwitter And Testosterone Fights

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Well joyous greetings to you, friends and inmates. Another glorious day of sunshine coats the Earth, we’re all above the dirt and breathing and most of us don’t have angry squirrels attacking our genitals. In other words, it’s a good day. You’d never know that if you’re an NFL fan and currently reading DraftTwitter, though. You’d think we’re 4 hours into The Purge, and you’re the best friend that everyone just knows isn’t going to make it to the end of the movie.

See, Here’s The Thing; For fans of the NFL Draft, DraftTwitter is a necessity that everyone seems to hate. Kind of like if you were told you must eat Brussels Sprouts to survive. You’d do it, but you’d try to wrap them in something that tastes better than Brussels Sprouts, like bacon, or old coffee grounds, or gasoline or wolf puke… No one is ever happy in DraftTwitter. Ever. Reading DraftTwitter, you’d think the world was ending, there was a giant Space Ark with less than a dozen seats remaining, and who gets those seats was being decided by an all out fistfight to the death over completion percentages, fluid hips, hand size and the phrase “Pfft do you even watch film, bro?” For a bunch of people who seem to realize there is NO way you’re going to get everyone to agree with you on any player in the draft, they get viciously angry when everyone doesn’t agree with them on every player in the draft. Honestly, I’ve had more luck figuring out why my wife is mad than why some in DraftTwitter are mad, and the times I’ve apologized to my wife without having a clue as to why numbers in the thousands. How can this be changed? I don’t think it can. Simply put, a bunch of sports guys simmering in testosterone will always want to fight. Over ANYTHING. The NFL Draft, women, donuts, women, merging on the highway, women, whether Die Hard is a Christmas move, women, more donuts, women, or even chicks; it’s always going to be a chest beating contest, and the question “Who knows more about football” is what the kids would call a trigger issue.

Look, debate in DraftTwitter all you want, I’d rather do something more productive, like argue about politics. Now if you’ll excuse me, it really is a nice day. I’m going to go enjoy it.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

Here’s The Thing – McCaffrey And Supermodels

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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OK, so everyone in SportsLand is up in arms today about Christian McCaffrey not playing in a Bowl Game to start his NFL Draft preparation. At least, I think they’re up in arms. Some of them could be up in legs, or hips, or spleens for all I know. I’m just saying they’re upset. I’m also saying that if you’re one of those who is upset, you should probably hold on tight, you wouldn’t want to fall from that great height on your high horse.

See, Here’s The Thing; I fully support these guys right to not risk their careers in what is ultimately one last money grab of their names and abilities by the NCAA. I’m not one who says “Pay all of these players!” because I believe that a college education s more than a fair trade for their abilities, and I sincerely wish that when i was in college, there had been scholarships available for people really good at eating breakfast for dinner, or quoting lines from “Cheers.” However, I’ve always said that when a team EARNS something extra such as a bowl game, the players should receive some form of percentage of that payment, because that’s above and beyond the agreed upon education-for-ability exchange. Similarly, the players who become stars should receive a portion of any jersey/merchandise sales with their names/number/likeness on them. That’s something not every player on the roster earns – in America, hard work and success = better pay, better opportunities and most importantly a far more attractive wife or husband. Which brings us back to McCaffrey, whose hard work and dedication has led him to the opportunity to earn millions of dollars at the next level, as well as dates with celebrity actresses and supermodels. Would YOU risk a shot with Kate Beckinsale, Eva Mendes or Tyra Banks for The Sun Bowl? You would? Seriously? You’re freaking nuts! I’ve kind of lost my train of thought here by thinking about supermodels, but my point is this: whether you agree with their decision or not, these guys “owe” nothing to anyone but themselves and their families.

Look, I love watching these guys play too, but I’m not about to put my viewing pleasure above their life choices. I allow no one to dictate to me what’s best for my family, and I’d never do the same to them.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – December NFL Fans: Draft Nuts Group >>> Playoffs Group

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Good morning, fellow wanderers. As the NFL season rounds the quarter pole and heads into the home stretch, the screaming and emotion that you associate with racing fans as the horses thunder towards the finish line is exactly what you can find in football fans, in real life and especially across the internet. However, the excitement is divided among two very distinct groups of December fans: The Playoffs Group, and the folks we’ll discuss today: The Draft Nuts group.

 
See, Here’s The Thing; You watch the NFL in a completely different manner once your team is out of it, and there’s no fooling anyone about being in the playoff hunt anymore. Now, while most of us knew our team was out of it everywhere but on paper all the way back to October 3rd, there are some that are just now coming around, and to them I say “Welcome to the gritty side of the tracks.” This is the side of NFL December that Patriot fans know nothing about. The side where we look each week to see who needs to lose. The side where we know more about the Strength Of Schedule tiebreaker than we do about what our kids want for Christmas or any of their friends’ names, especially that weird one with the purple streaks in her hair. The side where we can’t actually bring ourselves to root for our team to lose, but we’re not exactly crushed when it happens, either. The side where short term pain is endured for the potential of long term gain in the form of draft prospects who are all obviously the next Tom Brady … if we get them. (If they go to another team, they’re overrated busts) We in the Draft Nuts group feel sorry for you Playoff group fans, because all you have to root for is wins. We get to root for so many variables, and watch so many games with a purpose, that it makes your head swim to the point where excess drinking is not only acceptable but encouraged. Who’s the winner NOW?

Look, you can have your playoffs. I just know that the Rams-Falcons game effects the Browns in more ways than you can imagine, and that’s not crazy at all. Hey Draft Nuts Group – who has more fun than us, huh?

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – The CFP: No Number Stops The Arguing

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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We’re back, ladies and breath mints. Well, actually we never left. We just weren’t together the past few days. I mean, I guess some of you could have left. I don’t know, I wasn’t with you. What were we talking about? Whatever it was, let’s discuss the College Football Playoff, and by “discuss” I of course mean “yell and shout and call each other names that would embarrass our mothers.”

See, Here’s The Thing; So it’s Alabama, Clemson, Ohio State and Washington. No more arguing, no more debating, it’s done … and if you believe the “no more arguing” part, I’d like to tell you about my latest can’t miss Multi-Level Marketing company, because you’ll believe anything! This year proves yet again that any system – ANY system – that involves voting will be stupid. Let me take it a step further: expanding to 8 teams (which I favor, by the way) will only INCREASE the “who should be in” arguing, not eliminate it like some are suggesting. There are several reasons: 1 – The difference between #4 and #5/6 is usually more defined than the difference between #8 and #9 or even #12-14; the top 4 teams are close to perfect in their record, but by the time you get to #8 you’re looking at teams with very flawed resumes, 3 or maybe even 4 losses. Look at this year, who’s #8? Wisconsin? USC? Colorado? Florida State? Oklahoma State? Louisville? Western Michigan? West Virginia? Stanford? Go ahead, tell who’s demonstrably #8 and #9 out of that group without arguing. I’ll wait… 2 – There are 64 teams in the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament, and the March arguments are legendary, so there is NO number of teams that would eliminate the debates. 3 – College Football is big business. They’ll expand when and only when the financial numbers bear it out. 4 – The Illuminati want it this way, and much like The Saviors on Walking Dead, they get what they want. You can’t argue with any of my reasoning. No wait, you can – that’s the point, as long as there’s “voting” there will ALWAYS be arguing.

Look, I don’t know what the perfect system is, but any one that includes voting or “the eyeball test” will. Be. Flawed. Doesn’t matter this year anyway, nobody’s beating ‘Bama. Go ahead: argue with me.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus Returns

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Great Googly Moogly Morning, friends and defendants! It IS a great morning! Not only because we’re alive, not currently in captivity, and most of our test results came back negative, but because this incredible day marks the return of one of our most treasured Americans to these airwaves: Gamblicus is here for Mortal Lock Friday.

See, Here’s The Thing; The greatest gambling mind of our generation graces this air every Friday. From the wagering advisor to the Caesars, to my bloodline, an end run around Grey’s Sports Almanac and direct to you, our loyal listeners and the people trapped in their cars with them, you get the most guaranteed winners anywhere, right here. So what does Gamblicus say this week? Well … I predict Washington and Clemson both win, thereby eliminating any of the ridiculous possibilities of Michigan and Ohio State getting in over the team that won their division and their conference, or several days of debating Wisconsin and Colorado, or insane people with guns shouting on talk radio about Oklahoma or Oklahoma State. (the insane people with guns will still shout on talk radio, it’ll just be about other topics like immigration and the contentious Fruit Loops Vs Lucky Charms debate) I predict the people who will argue about Navy and Western Michigan need a girlfriend. I predict that after smartly avoiding a work stoppage, there will be a major trade in baseball that causes everyone to go ahead and award the 2017 World Series to a team that will ultimately finish 4th in their division. I predict I will utterly destroy at least two dozen chicken wings. I predict the upset of the week in the NFL happens in Jacksonville. I predict road wins for the Cowboys, Eagles, Dolphins and 49ers. I predict home losses for the Jets, Bengals and Ravens. I predict that the Browns bye week will give me a relaxing Sunday afternoon, which I will ruin by putting up the Christmas tree and lights and doing an excellent Clark Griswold impression, except with more cursing in front of the neighborhood children.

Look, Gamblicus shows up, Gamblicus gives golden predictions, Gamblicus is right. These are facts. What you do with that information is up to you, friends and countrymen. Now go forth and double your holiday gift fund.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Hooray For Arguing!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Discussions, that turn into disagreements, that turn into arguments, that turn into uncontrollable shouting matches, that turn into pushing and shoving, that turn into lifelong friends and relatives throwing hands, shouting curse words and bloodying each other without remorse like a steel cage match. Am I describing holiday visits with your family? Nope, the College Football Playoff Rankings!

See, Here’s The Thing; For a college football fan, it really is the most wonderful time of the year. Yes, partly because all of the fan gear websites are having tremendous holiday sales, where you can get a jersey/ballcap/outdoor grill/bedding/pajama pants/t-shirt/shorts/shotglass combo featuring Calvin clad in your team’s colors and peeing on the logo of your rival. Yeah, what could be better than THAT? Well, I’ll tell you – arguing about the rankings could be better than that. It started three weeks ago at a low rumble and has grown into a full throated roar already. If there are upsets among the conference titles game this weekend, it could grow into a full scale land war in Europe (even though Europe doesn’t have single team ranked, by the way). Alabama is in, win or lose … and that’s all we know. Sorry, Buckeye pals, if Clemson, Washington & Penn State win, there’s no guarantee Ohio State is in. Maybe, maybe not. Folks in Columbus are rooting for Wisconsin. Folks in Madison are rooting for Colorado and Virginia Tech. Folks in Boulder are rooting for Virginia Tech and Penn State … I think. Folks in Ann Arbor, Norman and Stillwater are rooting for … God alone knows, maybe frogs and locusts? Most sane people are rooting for an 8 team playoff that doesn’t involve voting, and everyone else is rooting for Donald Trump to legalize kidney punching someone wearing a team jersey you don’t like. (I’m not sure where I stand on that, I’d have to see the fine print) Who are my current Top 4 teams? IT DOESN’T MATTER! But if you’re going to force me to choose before the conference championship games, I’ll say Alabama, Ohio State, Clemson and Washington.

Look, the whole point is that college football fans love arguing with each other, so this is a special time of year. Now go grab a leftover turkey sandwich and call our Uncle – the Oklahoma fan – a vulgar name that would make a sailor cringe. Hooray for holiday season!

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – CFP Rankings = One Night Stand

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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The College Football Playoff rankings were released last night, causing some fans joy, others anger and still others to pause the DVR in the middle of catching up on The Walking Dead and say “Oh crap, that was tonight?” (BTW, we don’t invite that third group over the house all that much) The experts have given their opinions, and now I will weigh in with mine, which is several thousand light years away from the planet Expert.

See, Here’s The Thing; As I sit and ponder the most current rankings, what strikes me most is this: There are still three weeks left in the season, so these rankings are completely meaningless. Fun, but meaningless. Kind of like the immense lies men and women tell each other in bars at 2:17AM; fun to consider, certainly attempting to be truthful based on the swirling reality of that Jaegermeister moment, but ultimately only pertinent to the next 90 sweaty minutes. With a minimum of seven more games between the Top 15 teams, the upsets and insanity of this past week were the beginning of the chaos, not the end. Ohio State plays Michigan, Alabama plays Auburn, Oklahoma play West Virginia and Oklahoma State, Ohio State/Michigan/Penn State play Wisconsin, and Washington still has a gauntlet to run, thereby giving fans across the country a myriad of opportunities to throw online hatred at strangers. This list doesn’t take even into account Washington State and Arizona State taking shots against the Huskies, Michigan with a backup quarterback, rivalry games where anything can happen, or the SEC East winner pulling off the impossible against Alabama. Try as I might, I can’t find a path for my Fighting Irish to get back into the mix, but other than that just about everything is still unsettled, including my stomach after the questionable looking sushi I had last night. If I must though, my current Top 4 are Alabama, Ohio State, Louisville and Clemson. I know, I know; I’m stupid, right?

Look, people these days seem to have this fascination with arguing about the destination, when they should just sit back and enjoy the journey. These next three weeks are going to be a blast, so join me in rooting for the lower ranked team in every game, won’t you? #ChaosRules

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Larry King’s Things

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Good day to you, friends and neighbors, and here’s hoping this 24 hour rotation of the planet bring you joy, laughter and artificially generated endorphins. As I write this, I’ve been away from home for two weeks, with one more to go. I realize that’s not a terribly long time, but being separated from my family always makes a little crazy. OK, craziER. Shut up, you.
See, Here’s The Thing; I’ve always been accused of being a bit weird and off-kilter, and I take it as a compliment. My Life Coaching philosophy has always been “Normal People Suck,” so I wear being called crazy like a Boy Scout Merit Badge. To that end, let’s go Larry King style today and just run off a pile of random, unconnected “crazy” thoughts on sports … and maybe a few other topics. The AP Poll in college football is a quaint relic of a bygone era that’s no longer useful or necessary, like a home phone, local TV news or Charo. Tom Brady and Drew Brees might collect an NFL paycheck and a Social Security check at the same time. BALTIMORE MARYLAND! YOU’RE ON THE AIR! The Warriors trading Klay Thompson is about as likely as me winning the Sexiest Man Alive contest … or coming in third … or receiving a single vote. Episodes and Review: With Forrest MacNeil are the two funniest shows on TV that you’re probably not watching. FLAGSTAFF ARIZONA! YOU’RE ON THE AIR! Overcooked yellow squash has the same gooey consistency as undercooked bread pudding, both of which I hate like Hitler. The Browns have the worst record in the NFL, but are not the worst team. This may be the first MLB offseason where owners actually stick to their claim they won’t spend like newly divorced guys in Vegas. People protesting to overturn the results of a democratic election are incredibly stupid. People painting swastikas on things and telling immigrants & minorities to “get out” are even stupider. My current Top 4 is Alabama, Ohio State, Louisville and Clemson, and at least two are in serious danger of missing the playoff. How’s THAT for crazy?

Look, you may not agree with what I’ve said today, and that’s OK. It just means you’re normal. Now, refer back to what I said about normal people, then ponder if you want to change your mind. VALENCIA CALIFORNIA! YOU’RE ON THE AIR!

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Football May Have Saved Us

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Hi De Hi De Hide De Ho, friends and moochers! As the flaming ball of gas in the sky rises above our planet and offers us another beautiful day of existence, I’d like to thank you for tuning in to listen to me, another flaming ball of gas. Today is an even more glorious day than usual, because football – the crazy, unpredictable, exciting football we all know and love – is BACK.

See, Here’s The Thing; Until this past weekend, this football season has been – let’s be honest here – mostly boring. Yes, there were a few good games here and there, some upsets in college football and heck even the Browns almost won a game back in week 3 against Miami. Taken as a whole though, this season has been a bigger yawner than season 2 of True Detective or any meal involving kale. This weekend though, it’s as if football looked at politics and said “Oh, you think YOU own crazy? Well, watch THIS!” Then football removed its pants and ran around honking an ah-ooga horn at three dozen random Arby’s. Five – FIVE – of the Top ten teams lost in college football, four of them to unranked teams, two of them on last second field goals. Teams ranked all the way down the 20’s that previously thought the playoff was gone now have varying levels of renewed hope. The situation in the Big Ten, specifically with #2-ranked-but-probably-won’t-win-their-own-DIVISON Ohio State, is about as screwy as it gets. The NFL offered it’s own brand of insanity, a game decided by a Pick-6, a Jay Cutler Hail Mary, the Chiefs coming from 17 down to win, the Rams winning without a touchdown, the 49ers almost winning, two games featuring seven lead changes on the same day for the first time in history, and another decided by a blocked extra point returned for a score. It’s as if the football Gods saw everyone angry and screaming at each other over the election like toddlers, and dangled their shiny keys in our face to distract us.

Look, football isn’t the most important thing in life, but the happiness and fun with friends it can give us, even in stressful times, is crucial to our survival. Let’s hope next weekend is even crazier. I don’t know how … maybe a monkey will run out onto the field or something.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – After The Election…

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Well hello there everyone, nice to talk to you today! Wait … it is today, isn’t it? The sun came up? OK good, I was worried because everyone told me the world would end today. It’s so great that we live in a country where the sun rises nearly every day, bacon is plentiful, and most importantly we can spend hours upon hours of our short existence on this planet calling anyone who roots for a different sports team than us creatively vulgar names!

See, Here’s The Thing; No matter how you feel or what you think about the Presidential Election – and I TRULY DO NOT CARE, YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OPINION WHATEVER IT IS, YOU DO YOU, SUNSHINE – the fact that we live in a country where 240 years of peaceful transition of power allows us the freedom to shout at each other about sports is pretty amazing, and I am forever grateful for it. After the election, we we still have the freedom to debate whether Dak or Romo should start at QB for the Cowboys. After the election, we still have the freedom to decide who’s going to win the NBA Championship and sneer down our noses at anyone who disagrees, even though it’s November and all of our opinions are ludicrous. After the election, we still have the freedom to argue about the Top 4 of the College Football Playoff (It’s Alabama, Michigan, Clemson & Washington, and if you disagree you’re stupid). After the election, we still have the freedom to do NFL Mock Drafts and act like we have any Earthly clue what the hell we’re talking about while we do them. After the election, we’re all still Americans with the freedom to get up and go to work, or stay home on the couch, wiping Cheeto dust on the pajama pants we’ve been wearing since yesterday, and dive into the comments section on an internet column where Skip Bayless claims LeBron James is not only not a great player, he should simply be taken out and shot. After the election: We’re all still here.

Look, I’m sorry if your side lost, and I’m happy if your side won. More important than anything though, can we all agree that the only people who should leave the country are the ones saying the Indians should trade Andrew Miller? I love this country.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus = Bacon

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Hell there, friends and inmates! We’re back after a long sports weekend, and we’re going to take a look at what we learned the past few days. Obviously we learned that Gamblicus is never to be doubted, what with the Bears upset pick and the 3-2 Cleveland lead predictions coming through, I should be hailed and carried around on your shoulders and fed grapes by comely lasses. Other than that though, let’s look at what happened, and what it might mean for the coming weeks.

See, Here’s The Thing; Looking back and learning from the past is a worthwhile daily endeavor in any part of your life. It’s even more worthwhile today in sports, and not only because it proves that I, Gamblicus am not only better than mere mortals, I’m the bacon of sports handicapping, if you think about it. No, learning today will also tell us what might happen as the sports world spins forward. For example, the Bears victory eliminates all but two teams from contention for the #1 overall pick in 2017 NFL Draft; if you think the Browns are getting to two victories, you’re nuttier than a Snickers. Another lesson learned: the only team that can realistically beat Alabama is Alabama, and the other three currently undefeated teams at the top of the polls are hoping against hope that Nick Saban is eaten by Tribbles or becomes patient zero in the Zombie Apocalypse or something. Another lesson learned, that should have become apparent to everyone by now: Don’t make Tom Brady angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Lesson: Not all 31 year olds are created equal, and by that I mean LeBron’s 31 is not your 31. LeBron’s 31 runs and dunks and sees through walls. Your 31 runs only when being chased or if you really have to pee, remembers when you could almost dunk, and starts numerous sentences with “Man, I just can’t drink like that anymore.” Final lesson: Gamblicus said “Indians in 6.” I’m just going to leave that one there, and you do with it what you will.

Look, the past explains the present, which tells us about the future. It really is that simple, you just have to know where to look. Pay attention this week, I bet we’ll learn more.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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