Here’s The Thing – Super Bowl Locks With Gamblicus

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

It’s finally here, friends and inmates, the final Mortal Lock Friday before the Super Bowl! That magical Sunday when football fans gather with non-football fans to watch a game, have fun and become annoyed with the non-football fans after about 8 minutes of having to answer questions with “No, Johnny Manziel isn’t in this game,” “I don’t know why their uniforms don’t have more red in them,” and “I’m sorry no one is eating your broccoli, but I TOLD you not to bring it!”

See, Here’s The Thing; The biggest game of the year is also the last game until next fall, and that’s sad. However, Gamblicus is here to tell you exactly how to win enough money to do rich people stuff during the football break, and that’s happy and fun and drunk and naked and those are all good things. So let’s get to it! I predict Tom Brady and Matt Ryan throw for 8 touchdowns between them. I predict the over/under goes over by the third quarter. I predict I know four people who will lose money on the coin flip. I predict there will be one commercial that makes everyone cry, and one commercial that women think is gross while men laugh hysterically. I predict Taylor Gabriel will catch a 3 yard pass, and the announcers will mention that he, Alex Mack and Dion Lewis are former Cleveland Browns no less than 57 times. I predict Chris Hogan scores two touchdowns, and NO ONE mentions the teams he used to play for. I predict my chicken wing intake will rival the annual chicken wing intake of several former Eastern Bloc countries. I predict Julio Jones will be removed from existence by a Belichick scheme. I predict at least two Roughing The Passer calls cause FootballTwitter to use the phrase “Why don’t they just put these quarterbacks in a skirt?” I predict at least nine guys are referred to as “One of the most underrated in the league.” I predict the halftime show will suck, because all halftime shows suck. Finally, I predict Patriots 44, Falcons 31.

Look, this is it for football until the fall, so breathe it all in, folks. Here’s hoping you have an amazing Super Bowl party … hey, on Monday let’s talk about The Draft.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Super Bowl Prop Bets

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

It’s Super Bowl week, friends and inmates! The one day a year when people of all races, religions and creeds gather together, clog their arteries, ruin themselves for work the next day, and most importantly root against the Patriots. It’s also the best time of year to gamble away your family’s savings, not only on the game itself but on silly, ridiculous prop bets that no sane person would risk anything on.

See, Here’s The Thing; Super Bowl Prop Bets should be renamed what they really are: the gambling version of Heisenberg Blue, for junkies who are WAY past redeemable. Since people seem to be willing to give their money away on anything, I’m going to make up some of my own prop bets this year and see how much money I can take in. Sure, everyone knows you can bet on silly things like the length of the National Anthem, the coin toss and who will score first in the game, but did you know you can also wager on whether the first play is a run or pass? Or who the MVP will mention first in his postgame interview? or what color Gatorade will be dumped on the winning coach? I propose that you can now bet on whether or not the first injury of the game will be a leg, an arm or a testicle. How many cheerleaders will get run over on the sidelines, and will any of them be impregnated by Gronk? FYI, the over/under of how many chicken wings I’ll eat during the game is currently set at 312. How many people will I punch for talking the entire game and only watching the commercials? Will there be nudity during the halftime show? Will that nudity be on screen or just me at my party? The over/under on how many people at my Super Bowl party wearing Cleveland Browns gear is set at 1.5. (If you’re smart, you’ll take the under) Finally, it’s +250,000,000,000 that I will have sex the night of the Super Bowl. THAT, my friends, is what’s known in Vegas as a “Sucker Bet.”

Look, it’s your money, and Gamblicus will be here Friday to tell you exactly how to gamble it, but just remember: Prop bets are coin flips. Allocate your cash accordingly.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

What We Know In The NFC Championship Round

By Reid Kerr
PSDC Offensive Coordinator

And then there were four.

After a really good weekend of Divisional games, we’re down to the Championship Round for the NFL. There’s only three games left in the season, so what have we learned so far?

Well first, this is a great time for quarterbacks. We’ve got an amazing final four. I know it’s shallow to say that because it doesn’t show enough appreciation for the defenses, backs, line play, etcetera, but come on. We’ve got the best four quarterbacks in the league all still standing.

And while we’re at it, this year shows there’s no price too big to pay to get your franchise quarterback. Look at the four remaining teams and you’ll see three Super Bowl winners and a guy who’ll probably be the MVP. Look at the bottom of the league and you’ll see teams who desperately need quarterbacks, and they try and they fail about every other year. Look at Houston hurling millions at a guy they had never worked out, just in hopes he’d be the best quarterback the Texans have ever had, which is to say he’d be slightly better than average. The Jets had four quarterbacks on the roster this year, and might do four different ones next year until something sticks. If you have a Pro Bowl guy taking the snaps, you’ve always got a chance. And if not? Forget it.

The only thing more important than quarterback might be the overall philosophy of these teams. The organization is all on the same page, from owner to coach to assistants to scouts to popcorn vendors. There’s a long-term buy-in there from three of them, and Atlanta is well on their way too. The teams still playing are, for the most part, always there. Their team philosophy is well understood, and has been for quite some time.

Basically if you can imagine the team name fitting into the sentence “The (Blank) Way,” they know what they’re doing. The Patriots Way. The Packers Way.

Ever try it with a bad team? Can you define “the Jaguars Way” without stammering for a moment and then just letting your voice trail off?

Speaking of locker rooms and attitudes, just a reminder, kids. Post-game complaints are whiny. They put the “loser” in “sore loser.” Travis Kelce blamed the Chiefs loss on a holding penalty, and called out a referee who’s going to be working the Super Bowl. Kelce also committed one of the dumbest after-the-play penalties I’ve ever seen in the playoffs, and plays in an offense that couldn’t make a two-point conversion from the twelve if you gave them six downs to do it. So calling out the ref for a fairly obvious penalty is a pretty weak argument.

And please, that “you never played the game so you can’t criticize me” argument is beyond lame. The NFL is a public entity, it’s not a secret society. The reason these players can buy houses and cars and mistresses is because people who never played the game at the highest level are willing to shell out thousands of dollars for seats, shirts, jerseys, socks, caskets, and anything else the NFL is willing to slap a logo on. If that means you have to answer questions once in a while from a guy who went to college and actually went to class, then that’s a small price to pay for league minimum wage.

And finally, we learned bad teams are willing to take some chances. We saw no major retreads in the coaching hires, and lots of (sometimes very) young, hungry assistant coaches working their way up the food chain, earning one of those thirty-two gigs.

Of course, the success rate on those young coaches is somewhere around thirty percent, but one of them could be the next Bill Belichick, just as soon as they get fired from this first job and land another one.

On to the picks for Sunday. I was 1-3 last week, and also 1-3 against the spread, which makes me 5-3 straight up, and 4-4 against the spread in the playoffs. I’ll need to get lucky this week to stay on the sunny side of the street.

Here’s the picks for Championship Sunday. Remember, these are for the purposes of discussion only. As always, no wagering.

Green Bay (+5.5) at Atlanta: This game might come down to two or three defensive plays, quite possibly because those are the only plays made defensively in this entire game. Aaron Rodgers may be the most exciting quarterback in decades, but magic runs out in Green Bay eventually. Or at least Don Majkowski did.
Pick: Falcons to win and cover, which means I think they’ll win by six.

Pittsburgh (+6) at New England: I don’t know what the big deal was about Antonio Brown’s live video from the locker room. That’s pretty much what everyone outside of the immediate Boston area calls the Patriots.
Pick: Patriots to win, but Steelers with the points, which means I think the Steelers will lose by five or less.

I’ll also admit here that I’m hoping for the exact opposite of those results, but you root with your heart and bet with your head. I’ll be back next week to talk about the exquisite ridiculousness of the Super Bowl, but until then, good luck, everybody.

- Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.

The Black Monday That Wasn’t

By Reid Kerr
PSDC Offensive Coordinator

The NFL is a league of quick turnarounds, and I mean that both coming and going. Half of the teams that made the playoffs last season are out this year, including both Super Bowl teams. Hello Dallas, Atlanta, and Oakland. Goodbye Denver, Carolina, and Cincinnati.

It’s a quick-trigger league for most franchises, and Black Monday is a famous part of the NFL year. The day after the regular season concludes, teams fire coaches, general managers, coordinators, and anyone else they can find to blame for their season. However this year, we didn’t even get to Black Monday. We had a whole Black December, followed by a Black Last-Sunday-of-the-regular-season where everybody got fired before Monday even arrived.

There are six coaching vacancies in the NFL, with different levels of job attractiveness.

Denver didn’t kill Gary Kubiak, but he wasn’t going to stick around and wait for that to happen. The Broncos are easily the best job opening with a world-class defense and good receivers, plus John Elway ready to go out and make deals. This one is the gold standard of opportunities, and it’s only come open because coaching football is simply not good for the nervous system.

Jacksonville is a better team than their 3-13 record, especially if reports of Blake Bortles playing through a separated shoulder is accurate, because that would explain why he stunk like a trunk full of fish in Tijuana in mid-summer. A horrible division, decent receivers, and some cornerstones on defense make this a nice fit for someone who doesn’t mind spending time overseas.

The Rams canned Jeff Fisher because, well, he was Jeff Fisher, and now it seems like they’re trying to make a love connection with Saints coach Sean Payton. The Chargers also fired Mike McCoy, mostly so they can use his salary to buy boxes and packing tape. These two franchises certainly seem like they’ll be tied together in LA, because if the Chargers move as expected, they’ll be competing for the same audience. And that’s an audience that’s already shown they won’t support two teams, or even just one bad team. You only have to look at the Lakers and Clippers to realize that. Both teams need to bring in a big name as head coach to stay relevant. I’d rather have the Chargers right now than the Rams, but both are rebuilding efforts with some nice pieces in place.

The Bills fired all the Ryan brothers they could find, mostly because management felt they didn’t get enough wins out of their “talent.” If you’ve ever watched a football game in your life, please do me a favor and tell me where that supposed “ten-win season” was supposed to come from, based on Buffalo’s roster full of hot garbage. The Bills got eight starts from their last four years worth of first-round draft picks, and no one seems to understand the chain of command in Buffalo. It’s been since 1999 the Bills made the playoffs, and things may be as bad now as they’ve ever been.

But it could be worse. The 49ers made it two straight years with the firing of a first-year coach, by canning Chip Kelly and general manager Trent Baalke. Their list of coaching possibilities is simply a post-it note with the word “Anybody” on it. Four head coaches in four years, and a roster that undermines the word “awful.” No quarterback. No receivers. No run defense. No hope. Somehow they were in a Super Bowl four years ago, and now they’re a clown autopsy. Good luck to whoever takes over in San Fran. And whoever takes over after that, too.

On to the picks. Last week I went 5-3, and 4-4 against the Las Vegas spread. I finish the regular season with a record of 69-40-1 straight up, and 44-62-3 against the spread. Just for the purposes of discussion, if I had wagered a hundred bucks on every one of those games this season, this morning I would be more than two thousand dollars in the hole, and living in a dumpster. That’s why the best advice you can give to anyone considering a career in gambling is just to walk into a casino and look around. Those casinos look like they cost a lot of money, right? Exactly.

Here’s the picks for the first half of Wild Card weekend. Remember, these are for the purposes of discussion only. As always, no wagering.

Oakland (+4) at Houston: If there’s a better argument against an 18-game season than this playoff quarterback matchup of Osweiler versus Cook, I don’t know what it is. Perhaps if a team had to start Brandon Weeden in a Super Bowl.
Pick: Texans to win and cover, which means I think they’ll win by five or more.

Detroit (+7.5) at Seattle: Richard Sherman used the media to announce he was boycotting the media. I saw full coverage of that on ESPN-I, the sports irony channel.
Pick: Seahawks to win and cover.

I’ll also Alabama to win and cover against Clemson at –6.5, Myles Garrett to be the first pick in the draft, and the Jets to draft four more quarterbacks. Good luck, everybody.

- Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.

Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus Returns

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Great Googly Moogly Morning, friends and defendants! It IS a great morning! Not only because we’re alive, not currently in captivity, and most of our test results came back negative, but because this incredible day marks the return of one of our most treasured Americans to these airwaves: Gamblicus is here for Mortal Lock Friday.

See, Here’s The Thing; The greatest gambling mind of our generation graces this air every Friday. From the wagering advisor to the Caesars, to my bloodline, an end run around Grey’s Sports Almanac and direct to you, our loyal listeners and the people trapped in their cars with them, you get the most guaranteed winners anywhere, right here. So what does Gamblicus say this week? Well … I predict Washington and Clemson both win, thereby eliminating any of the ridiculous possibilities of Michigan and Ohio State getting in over the team that won their division and their conference, or several days of debating Wisconsin and Colorado, or insane people with guns shouting on talk radio about Oklahoma or Oklahoma State. (the insane people with guns will still shout on talk radio, it’ll just be about other topics like immigration and the contentious Fruit Loops Vs Lucky Charms debate) I predict the people who will argue about Navy and Western Michigan need a girlfriend. I predict that after smartly avoiding a work stoppage, there will be a major trade in baseball that causes everyone to go ahead and award the 2017 World Series to a team that will ultimately finish 4th in their division. I predict I will utterly destroy at least two dozen chicken wings. I predict the upset of the week in the NFL happens in Jacksonville. I predict road wins for the Cowboys, Eagles, Dolphins and 49ers. I predict home losses for the Jets, Bengals and Ravens. I predict that the Browns bye week will give me a relaxing Sunday afternoon, which I will ruin by putting up the Christmas tree and lights and doing an excellent Clark Griswold impression, except with more cursing in front of the neighborhood children.

Look, Gamblicus shows up, Gamblicus gives golden predictions, Gamblicus is right. These are facts. What you do with that information is up to you, friends and countrymen. Now go forth and double your holiday gift fund.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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An NFL Thanksgiving in Las Vegas

By Reid Kerr
PSDC Offensive Coordinator

As the Lions kick the game-winning field goal, the woman next to me erupts in joy. She pumps her fists and screams, and runs about the floor of the MGM Grand Casino, high-fiving anyone who’ll raise a palm to her.

She’s not even a Lions fan.

It’s Thanksgiving Day, and I am an embedded reporter in a Las Vegas sportsbook. On today, the biggest family holiday of the year, the fifty-plus huge-screen televisions here in this Vegas casino are showing NFL games to a packed house of people who have either come here to flee their families, or brought them along so everyone can lose money together.

At nine a.m. on a Thanksgiving morning, they were already there, armed with astonishing amounts of information. They had magazines, newspapers, and gambling forms so full of complicated numbers they seemed to be the chemical formula for a linebacker, and they sat down to compile it all before making their wagers. They were all looking for the one thing to put them over the top and honestly, that strategy works about 48% of the time, which is exactly the correct ratio for everything.

15241243_660919507422401_4532970873563991461_nThe Lions won and covered the point spread, which made the woman from Charlotte, North Carolina, exuberant. I talk to her husband for a few minutes while she takes her victory lap, and find out he’s a huge fan but she’s never even watched an NFL game seriously before. They’ve left their kids with their family back home and came out to Vegas for a mini-vacation, and they’ve put money down on all three NFL games that day. They’ll be there a while, spending about eleven hours cheering together.

It’s a fun moment, but only half the people here are celebrating. A guy on crutches who seems homeless and is missing most of one of his legs drops his head and rubs his brow. Earlier he told me he had the Vikings, and when I asked him how much he bet, he said “two large.” I couldn’t imagine him having two of anything extra to lose.

But that’s the way it goes, there’s no winners without losers, even on Thanksgiving Day. There are a lot of homeless people here in Vegas who are wearing shirts and caps from various gambling events and poker tours. It seems like everyone’s got a system until you wind up sleeping under a bridge.

For the Dallas-Washington game, the sportsbook filled up quickly. The Cowboys are still America’s Team, which means people will line up to root for and against them. I see a guy in a Romo jersey sitting down front, cheering at every play. Later I see a guy with a Dak Prescott jersey, so I tell him if he wants, he can go take the other guy’s seat.

Cowboys fans are everywhere. There’s a couple wearing Claiborne and Witten jerseys, who came to town to get remarried for their Thanksgiving trip. Sitting in front of me, a couple from Scotland are Facetiming their friends back home to tell them how awesome Dak Prescott is. It’s very funny to me for some reason, although I can’t exactly explain why.

A guy from Indianapolis in a vintage Franco Harris Steelers jersey tells me he made plans to come here after a buddy broke up with his girlfriend, so they could have a boys’ weekend. Since the trip was booked the relationship rekindled, and now it’s a bachelor party weekend. I get the feeling he doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but no one’s turning down a trip to Vegas on moral principles. As a Steelers fan he hates the Cowboys, but he still bet them to win.

At the back of the room cheering on Washington is Chris from Los Angeles, wearing a Redskins hat, garish red and gold shoes, and an authentic Sean Taylor jersey. He looks like the Redskins threw up on him, but he’s a hardcore fan who grew up watching the team with his dad. He couldn’t make it to the family gathering, so drove four hours to Vegas to support his team as a family tradition. And hopefully win some money, of course.

As the Cowboys-Redskins game rages on, I notice the cheering feels different, maybe even more pure. These cheers aren’t from the hearts of fans, they’re from the wallets of gamblers. And they know it’s a shallow thing to do, but they don’t care.

During the Steelers-Colts game that night, I meet two guys in their mid-sixties from New Jersey who come here for Thanksgiving every year. And judging from the slips in front of them, they bet a lot. I get the feeling this is a regular occurrence in their lives. I ask why they didn’t just go to Atlantic City, and they laugh at me.

And I am scared to ask for any more details.

After a long Thanksgiving Day spent watching football in the midst of the heavily invested, a couple of things stand out to me. Las Vegas is a different plane of existence where the rules of reality just don’t exist, and it means something different to everyone. I’ve met people here who came here for the holiday because there’s nowhere else they’d rather be for the holiday, and some who just showed up to be around other people on a lonely day of the year for them.

Also? Before ten in the morning, listening to Phil Simms is even more intolerable than usual.

For tonight’s game, the Cowboys are favored by four, and I’ll take that easily over the Vikings. Sometimes you just have to let Sam Bradford be Sam Bradford. I’ll be back Sunday with the rest of the picks. Good luck, everybody.

- Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.

(This article originally appeared in the print edition of the Tyler Morning Telegraph.)

Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus = Bacon

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Hell there, friends and inmates! We’re back after a long sports weekend, and we’re going to take a look at what we learned the past few days. Obviously we learned that Gamblicus is never to be doubted, what with the Bears upset pick and the 3-2 Cleveland lead predictions coming through, I should be hailed and carried around on your shoulders and fed grapes by comely lasses. Other than that though, let’s look at what happened, and what it might mean for the coming weeks.

See, Here’s The Thing; Looking back and learning from the past is a worthwhile daily endeavor in any part of your life. It’s even more worthwhile today in sports, and not only because it proves that I, Gamblicus am not only better than mere mortals, I’m the bacon of sports handicapping, if you think about it. No, learning today will also tell us what might happen as the sports world spins forward. For example, the Bears victory eliminates all but two teams from contention for the #1 overall pick in 2017 NFL Draft; if you think the Browns are getting to two victories, you’re nuttier than a Snickers. Another lesson learned: the only team that can realistically beat Alabama is Alabama, and the other three currently undefeated teams at the top of the polls are hoping against hope that Nick Saban is eaten by Tribbles or becomes patient zero in the Zombie Apocalypse or something. Another lesson learned, that should have become apparent to everyone by now: Don’t make Tom Brady angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Lesson: Not all 31 year olds are created equal, and by that I mean LeBron’s 31 is not your 31. LeBron’s 31 runs and dunks and sees through walls. Your 31 runs only when being chased or if you really have to pee, remembers when you could almost dunk, and starts numerous sentences with “Man, I just can’t drink like that anymore.” Final lesson: Gamblicus said “Indians in 6.” I’m just going to leave that one there, and you do with it what you will.

Look, the past explains the present, which tells us about the future. It really is that simple, you just have to know where to look. Pay attention this week, I bet we’ll learn more.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – GAMBLICUS RETURNS! (Mortal Lock Friday)

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

With the weather beginning to turn colder and the skies becoming darker across the country, you may be unsure of what to do on the weekends. Before you do something crazy and dangerous that includes some sort of physical activity, I want you to take a deep breath, sit back, and let Gamblicus put your mind at ease with sports wagering tips that include nearly endless hours of couch time. That’s right, it’s Mortal Lock Friday.

See, Here’s The Thing; We all know Mortal Lock Friday is the greatest sports handicapping show in the history of ever and time, having never missed on a pick – EVER! – except for the ones we’ve gotten wrong. (That’s documented – look it up) Now, let’s get to the picks so you can win enough money to send your boss an email that includes a shot of your junk! I predict that despite the media proclaiming The World Series over after Game 2, they’ll go ahead and play more games – and after this weekend it will be 3-2 Cleveland. I predict Clemson, Nebraska, Florida and Boise State all go down, West Virginia keeps winning, and the College Football Playoff picture becomes murkier than the connections between Trump and the Clintons. I predict Michigan State could block 9 punts this year and still not beat Michigan. I predict that ten years from now, when the Northwestern graduates are bosses to the Ohio State graduates, they’ll remember the horrific beating the Buckeyes give them this weekend, and regularly carry out revengeful plans around the office. I predict the NFL games of the week will be Colts-Chiefs and Chargers-Broncos, with Andrew Luck and Philip Rivers continuing their recent hot streaks through one more victory. I predict a pregame fight is the only thing the Bills might win this weekend. I predict the upset of the week comes on Monday night – yes, I’m picking the Bears. Finally, I predict that with three weeks on the road looming, my couch time and chicken wing intake will approach First Ballot Hall Of Fame levels.

Look, Gamblicus has spoken, and if my gambling genius bloodline was good enough for the Caesars to heed, it’s good enough for you. Go forth and gamble, my loyal subjects! Unrelated: Can I borrow $50?

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus Wants Your Ears

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Friends, gamblers, degenerates, lend me your ears. Actually, that’s kind of gross, why would I want your ears? How would I return them to you if you’re only “lending” them to me? Is there interest on an ear loan, like I have to pay back the ears plus 8.2% of my gall bladder or something? Wow, ear lending sounds kind of psycho, so just keep them. Friends, gamblers and degenerates, I am Gamblicus, and I’m here to grow your bankroll on Mortal Lock Friday!

See, Here’s The Thing; There’s so much to wager your kid’s college fund on this weekend. College and NFL football, Major League Baseball playoffs, the return of the NHL, the National Cheerleader Jell-O Wrestling Championship … or maybe that was just a dream I had. Anyway, let’s jump right in! I predict Alabama beats Tennessee by 20 points in the first half, and then those second half Volunteers … get beat by ten more, for a grand total of Alabama by 30+. I predict Ole Miss loses their third game of the year, which means as an SEC media favorite they can only lose 4-5 more before dropping out of the Top 25. I predict Ohio State rolls over Wisconsin like a wheel of sharp cheddar. (HaHa! Cheese Joke!) I predict the upset of the week happens in Bloomington, Indiana. I predict the NHL kicks off the season in grand style, packing more vicious blows, loose teeth, concussions and outright alley fights into their opening weekend than the NFL has had since 1974. I predict the Indians take the first two from the Blue Jays, driving us perilously closer to another Cleveland championship and the end of all life as we know it on this planet. I predict the Eagles, Browns, 49ers and Ravens all lose on the road, while the Bears, Lions, Dolphins and Raiders all lose at home. Finally, I predict that I’ll spend Sunday in the sportsbook at the MGM in Vegas, so no matter what happens, watching grown men curse and cry and rip up gambling tickets as each game progresses will be better than any theater in town.

Look, I don’t want your ears, OK? That was kind of a silly thing to say. What I do want is for you to pile up the cash, so heed the words of Gamblicus (which you can hear because you still have your ears) and go win!

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Come To Vegas And Ride The … Rides

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Greetings and complex handshakes, friends and … other friends. I come to you today from the glittering jewel of the desert, the city that Bugsy built, the place where adults from around the planet come to lose all of their inhibitions and most of their money, doing things they’d ground their kids for a month for if they caught them doing it; that’s right, I’m in Albuquerque. Or no, wait, it’s Las Vegas. I think. Either way, there are no pants.

See, Here’s The Thing; Las Vegas is a sports fan’s dream. OK, let’s be honest; Las Vegas is Adult Disneyland, and everyone here just wants to go on as many “rides” as possible before their flight leaves. (There are “Fast Passes” to get on and off the rides quicker, but they’re very expensive, in the range of $400-500 for an hour) For a sports fan though, there’s really no place like Vegas. You know all of those arguments you get in with your buddies every day about who’s going to win this weekend, or which coach should be fired, or which player is going to get caught in a Vegas hotel room paying for three professional rides all at once? Well here in Vegas, you can BET on ALL of that! If you have a sports opinion that ends with “Oh, yeah? Wanna bet?” you can be assured that someone, somewhere in this town will take that action. Who’s going to win and by how much? Bet on it. How many points will there be? Bet on it. Which team will get the first penalty? Bet on it. What color Gatorade will be dumped on the winning coach? Bet on it. Will your buddy on his first Vegas trip have too much tequila and end up with that ride that may or may not be female? Don’t bet on that, because of course he will; it’s a Sin City tradition! If you’re a sports fan, you must make a Vegas trip on an NFL weekend, or during March Madness, or on any important sports date, like Tuesday April 12th. What’s on April 12th? I don’t know, but you can bet on it here! that’s the point!

Look, Vegas may not be there greatest city in the world … but then again it may. What I’m saying to sports fans is, come on out here and take a look for yourself. I know the rides would surely appreciate it.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus >>> Your Family (Mortal Lock Friday)

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

It’s the end of the work week, unless you have a job like mine where it’s simply “the end of the week.” Semantics aside, it’s time once again to plunk our expanding American buttocks onto the couch, and point our eyeballs at a gluttonous amount of televised sporting events. It’s also time for Gamblicus to reappear and help you wager money that would otherwise be spent on foolishness such as food, or your family. It’s Mortal Lock Friday!

See, Here’s The Thing; It’s time for my Gamblicus ancestry to give you winners for the weekend. The Gambling Knowledge content in my bloodstream is thrice that of a normal human, and eight times that of someone who regularly uses the word “thrice.” So listen up, because here we go. I predict that Washington announces a changing of the guard at the top of the Pac 12 North, with a double digit victory over the smart hippies from Palo Alto. I predict Clemson does whatever the opposite of Clemsoning is, recovering from a sloppy start to the season for a double digits victory over Louisville. I predict more double digit victories from Oklahoma State, Florida State and Michigan. I predict I eat double digit chicken wings before halftime of the Notre Dame game, and if they lose again I’ll show a single digit from each hand to Brian Kelly in the Double Guns format. (I’ll give him the finger on both hands, if you’re not following along) I predict the Jags and Saints get their first victories on Sunday, while the four undefeated teams in action this weekend all escape unscathed. I predict there will be more Rex Ryan post-game press conference curse words than Bills points. I predict the 49ers pull the upset of the weekend in the NFL. Finally, I predict the Browns and Bears continue their hand-to-hand combat for the #1 overall pick, and DeShone Kizer continues to lay awake at night, thinking about playing in Chicago or Cleveland and wishing for a return to the carefree nights where all he had were nightmares about being chased by murderous clowns with chainsaws.

Look, I can lead a horse to water, but I can’t make it gamble, so you do with this gambling gold what you will. Just know, it’s not my fault if you don’t listen and have to spend your money your family. Like a sucker.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Mortal Lock Friday

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Well hello there, friends and inmates! The weekend is upon us, which means it’s time once again for me to channel the powers of prognostication handed down to me through the generations from my ancestor Gamblicus, personal sports handicapper to the Pharaohs. That’s right degenerates and degenerettes, it’s time once again for Mortal Lock Friday.

See, Here’s The Thing; The weekend is our time to kick back, open a bottle or can of an ice cold, government approved, reality altering beverage, and wager our hard earned currency on the outcome of sporting events over which we have no control and that may or may not be controlled by men in silk suits named “Rocco.” What’s more American than that, right kids? So let’s gamble! I predict that with about one week of baseball remaining, there are 13 teams within five games of the playoffs, yet most of the country will just be hoping “Please, Dear God, not the YANKEES!” I predict Michigan State beats Wisconsin like they caught them running Gouda in from Canada during a Cheese Prohibition. I predict the sun will rise in the east and Tennessee will lose to Florida. I predict the two biggest upsets of Saturday come from LA teams, as UCLA and USC take out Stanford and Utah, respectively. I predict the Cleveland Browns make it through an entire game without their quarterback needing to show an ER doctor his Obamacare card … but just barely. I predict the Raiders fall to 1-2, and a panic envelops RaiderNation on a level not seen since they figured out “The Purge” wasn’t real. I predict the Jaguars, Redskins and Colts and Saints get their first wins, while the Broncos, Vikings and Eagles suffer their first losses. I predict that by the end of Sunday, the area around my spot on the couch will look like Pig Pen fought to the death with Cookie Monster over a bag of potato chips. Finally, I predict that Sunday Night Football will cause an emergency meeting of Congress, to pass a law banning the Chicago Bears from appearing on prime time television.

Look, gambling knowledge is just in my blood, folks. For I am a Seer. Do with these tips what you wish, but don’t blame me if you pass and aren’t part of the 1% by Monday.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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