Here’s The Thing – Picking Out A Thermos For You

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Well hello there neighbor! Won’t you come in and watch while I change my sweater and my shoes? No. No, that would be creepy wouldn’t it? How was that a show for children? I’m musing about things from my childhood, because I noticed that 37 years ago today, The Jerk was released into theaters. It was 1979, Steve Martin was already my idol, and the sports world was a turnin’-round.

See, Here’s The Thing; Today is going to be a look into the WayBack Machine. I know the young ‘uns out there don’t want to listen to a middle aged guy go on and on about things that happened before cellphones and the internet and cellphoneone & internet porn, but when you get your own radio spot, you do what YOU want. 1979 was a seminal year for me, both in terms of what would eventually become a career in comedy, and in my sports fandom. The Cleveland Browns were 1 year away from the magical Kardiac Kids season, and in ’79 were showing signs of what was to come with Brian Sipe, a couple of Pruitts and Dave Logan. The Pittsburgh Steelers were winning Super Bowls, and my Dad was helping me towards a deeper understand of hatred for that team, by teaching me curse words that to this day I’ve never heard anywhere else. The ’79 Pirates were proving that being a Family can bring you a World Series Title, especially if Willie Stargell is the Dad and he defies Father Time. In 1979 the Canadiens were winning the last of four consecutive Stanley Cups, and we were about to see the era of the Islanders approach. In 1979 Alabama was winning the National Championship … OK, so not everything is different. In ’79 we saw the deaths of Thurman Munson, Darla and Mr Ed, plus the births of Ladanian Tomlinson, Ron Artest and Pink. Most importantly, I saw the birth of my understand that to be funny, no linear system has to be followed. Non-sequiturs and outright silliness can be hilarious if done properly, and I learned that by seeing The Jerk.

Look, I don’t need you to understand. All I need is this paddle game and this remote control and this chair, and that’s all I need. Unless you want to trade it for a thermos.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – 12 Days Of The NFL Playoff Chase

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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We’re back, friends and you! As we barrel headfirst down the home stretch of both Christmas and the NFL Playoff race, I’d like to take today and do a Here’s The Thing version of the Twelve Days Of Christmas. I’d like to, but I don’t have nearly enough time for that song, and it’s really difficult to sing that “ladies dancing” part without making cheap stripper jokes and snickering like a 12 year old. So let’s just talk about the playoff chase, shall we? [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – 2017 MLB Season Is Already Over. Go Home.

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Greetings and salutation to both the showerers and non-showerers out there in radioland. Much like the house in Poltergeist, all are welcome. Today we will discuss sports fans and media handing out championships months too early based on little to no evidence, and why you don’t have to wait until the end of the season to know that I’m 100% right and anyone who disagrees is a big, dumb doofus.

See, Here’s The Thing; It’s December, and sports media has teamed up with the Twitterverse to decide that the Red Sox will win the 2017 World Series. I mean, if the media says it, it must be true, right? So why even play the season? Let’s just hand out the hardware and save everyone a lot of time, injuries and wildly expensive stadium nachos! Well, that sounds solid except for one thing: teams that win December don’t necessarily win championships. Every year we go through this exercise of declaring baseball teams champs because they signed some high priced free agents or made some giant trade. Every May it looks great. Every June we start to question it. Every September we make fun of them for wasting their time. Then the next December we start the process all over again! Hooray for the definition of insanity! Don’t get me wrong, the trade for Sale was a solid move for Boston and on paper should help them tremendously – heck, he could end up winning Game 7 for them. All I’m saying is that as far as I know, the vast majority of Major League Baseball game aren’t played on paper. (Some are, mostly the ones in Canada, but those only count as 78% of an American game anyway, so…) There will be other moves made this week/.There will be injuries and off years and surprise stars we can’t possibly know about yet. There will be streakers on the field and fat guys in front of us at the concession stand who somehow take the last of the Dodger Dogs, forcing us into the previously mentioned overpriced nachos. Can we wait for that to declare a champion? Please?

Look, I like the offseason as much as the next guy – more than him, if the next guy is really into musical theater – but it’s only a starting point. Folks, when I am the calm voice of reason, we know this stuff has gotten WAY out of hand.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – December NFL Fans: Draft Nuts Group & Playoffs Group

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Good morning, fellow wanderers. As the NFL season rounds the quarter pole and heads into the home stretch, the screaming and emotion that you associate with racing fans as the horses thunder towards the finish line is exactly what you can find in football fans, in real life and especially across the internet. However, the excitement is divided among two very distinct groups of December fans: The Playoffs Group, and the folks we’ll discuss today: The Draft Nuts group. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – The CFP: No Number Stops The Arguing

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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We’re back, ladies and breath mints. Well, actually we never left. We just weren’t together the past few days. I mean, I guess some of you could have left. I don’t know, I wasn’t with you. What were we talking about? Whatever it was, let’s discuss the College Football Playoff, and by “discuss” I of course mean “yell and shout and call each other names that would embarrass our mothers.” [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus Returns

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Great Googly Moogly Morning, friends and defendants! It IS a great morning! Not only because we’re alive, not currently in captivity, and most of our test results came back negative, but because this incredible day marks the return of one of our most treasured Americans to these airwaves: Gamblicus is here for Mortal Lock Friday. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – Hey Baseball, Don’t Screw It Up

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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So we’re approaching another potential work stoppage in Major League baseball. As someone old enough to remember the last one from 1994 (yet not old enough to remember Paul Revere’s Wild Ride, despite what my teenage daughter thinks), I can say to the owners without hesitation that to have a lockout, even a short one that doesn’t delay Spring Training, would be an incredibly bad idea.

See, Here’s The Thing; Hey baseball: you’ve grown fan interest and bridged the generation gap in the past few years, don’t screw it up. Even the much-maligned Millennials have been drawn into baseball, most recently by an utterly electrifying postseason, and have apparently cast aside their need for every sporting event to have constant noise and more unending action than a Kardashian bedroom. Now for a moment, let’s forget the fact that the last stoppage ALSO happened when Cleveland had a team capable of ending their World Series drought (Thanks, God!). After ’94, it took years for the fan base to return, and it’s debatable whether or not the “Steroid Era” was permitted to happen on the sly in order to regain that fan interest. through Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and guys like Brady Anderson hitting home runs halfway to Singapore. (Shut up, Rafael Palmeiro, I don’t want to hear it) In 2016, the world of entertainment is so vastly different, with so many more options not only available but readily available at the touch of an app, Major League Baseball might never recover from another lockout or strike. Americans have become cynical enough already, and Major League Baseball – The American Pastime – showing yet another disconnect between the haves and the have nots could be the death knell for the sport. I know people have always said that, and I’m usually the first to poopoo it (mostly because I like saying “poopoo” in public) but the world is different now, and the growth and availability of other sports from around the globe, gives this time a different feel.

Look, I’ve always been a baseball guy so I’m biased, but it seems to me a no brainer. Do you want a slightly smaller piece of a giant cash pie, or no pie at all? Major League Baseball: Your Move.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Hooray For Arguing!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Discussions, that turn into disagreements, that turn into arguments, that turn into uncontrollable shouting matches, that turn into pushing and shoving, that turn into lifelong friends and relatives throwing hands, shouting curse words and bloodying each other without remorse like a steel cage match. Am I describing holiday visits with your family? Nope, the College Football Playoff Rankings! [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – CFP Rankings = One Night Stand

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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The College Football Playoff rankings were released last night, causing some fans joy, others anger and still others to pause the DVR in the middle of catching up on The Walking Dead and say “Oh crap, that was tonight?” (BTW, we don’t invite that third group over the house all that much) The experts have given their opinions, and now I will weigh in with mine, which is several thousand light years away from the planet Expert. [Read more…]

Here’s The Larry King’s Things

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Good day to you, friends and neighbors, and here’s hoping this 24 hour rotation of the planet bring you joy, laughter and artificially generated endorphins. As I write this, I’ve been away from home for two weeks, with one more to go. I realize that’s not a terribly long time, but being separated from my family always makes a little crazy. OK, craziER. Shut up, you. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – Football May Have Saved Us

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Hi De Hi De Hide De Ho, friends and moochers! As the flaming ball of gas in the sky rises above our planet and offers us another beautiful day of existence, I’d like to thank you for tuning in to listen to me, another flaming ball of gas. Today is an even more glorious day than usual, because football – the crazy, unpredictable, exciting football we all know and love – is BACK. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – After The Election…

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Well hello there everyone, nice to talk to you today! Wait … it is today, isn’t it? The sun came up? OK good, I was worried because everyone told me the world would end today. It’s so great that we live in a country where the sun rises nearly every day, bacon is plentiful, and most importantly we can spend hours upon hours of our short existence on this planet calling anyone who roots for a different sports team than us creatively vulgar names! [Read more…]