Here’s The Thing – These Jokes Are Golden

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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I greet you today as I always do, friends and inmates. With a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Of course, after the news of yesterday that song is “Yellow River” by I.P. Freely, but that’s mostly because I’m basically still 12 years old. Finding it difficult to write about sports today without inserting all kinds of peepee jokes, but let’s give it a go, shall we? (Hehe … “go”)

See, Here’s The Thing; I’m having trouble saying or doing anything today without it leading to a weewee joke for several reasons. Number one … HAHA! “NUMBER ONE!” OK, last one of those, I promise. Number….FIRST, because as I said I’m an overgrown child at heart, and jokes about peepee and poopoo are right about my level. (Side note: a solid fart noise will NEVER not make me laugh, and if you don’t agree, we likely can’t be friends) Number two (STOPSTOPSTOP!) with the way the world is today, subtlety has been lost on many. You can’t dance around the point, even in a joke. You have to feed the information directly to people, with a steady, strong stream right in their face. Drown them in it, you understand? Comedy these days seems to only have an impact when people have paid good money to have the flood of jokes come directly at them, and most comedy clubs are successful when multiple performers can shower the audience with what they want, not just one guy. Let me tell you something else I’ve learned in over 21 years of comedy: If you can make jokes so straightforward they somehow break the language barrier, you are golden. I mean, let’s say if you can make those who speak (as a random example) Russian fall to their knees, thoroughly enjoy the comedy you’re spraying at them, and pay to come back for more, you have a chance to be one of the most powerful people in the free world. Seriously, gather all of your joke streams and push them together into one headed directly at your target, and urine for a treat.

Look, tomorrow we may mo e on to something different, but for today (even though I’m not Chinese) I play joke, I put peepee in your Coke.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – NoL! It’s GambliChristmas!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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We’ve reached the end of another week, and we’ve also reached the end of waiting for Christmas my naughty and nice friends! OK, I have no nice friends. We’re all on the Naughty List. In fact, we’re most likely the ones labeled “Ringleaders” on that list. That’s OK, as Billy Joel once said I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the Saints. To that end, let’s talk some gambling!

See, Here’s The Thing; It’s a Christmas visit from Gamblicus, everyone! He doesn’t come down your chimney though, he just barges in the front door, demands bourbon, and in return gives you the greatest sports gambling tips this side of a manger. So let’s get to it! I predict Navy puts up 50+ in their game against Louisiana Tech. I predict Troy and Ohio will play one of the Top 3 most exciting Dollar General Bowls of all time, as far as you or anyone else knows or cares to research. I predict you’ll watch the Aloha Bowl, gaze wistful upon the sunshine, and start planning a family trip to Hawaii that will never materialize. I predict the Dolphins lose to Buffalo, muddying the AFC Playoff picture and giving Rex Ryan an excellent excuse to be obnoxious at his press conference. I predict the upset of the week comes in Chicago. I predict that at 0-14, this Browns season has me missing DirecTV’s Super Creepy Rob Lowe commercials. I predict road wins for the Chargers, Titans, Colts, 49ers and Bengals. I predict double digits wins for the Cowboys, Chiefs, Steelers, Seahawks and Saints. I also predict a double digit win for the Patriots, but only because a triple digit win seems slightly unrealistic. Slightly. I predict Cam Newton will literally be hit on the head with a sledgehammer during game play, but after further review, no targeting penalty will be called. I predict it will be cold in Green Bay, but the announcers won’t mention it, because they rarely do. Right? Finally, I predict that unwrapping a locked up #1 overall pick will be the best thing Cleveland experiences this entire season.

Look, I don’t care how many wise men there are, Gamblicus is the wisest of all. So go win yourself some gold and frankincense. Oh, and Happy Holidays to each and every one of you.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Zuzu’s Petals

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Today is the Winter Solstice, officially the shortest day of the year. Which is good for me, because it means technically I’ll waste less daylight messing around and attempting to work the word “fartknocker” into an NFL Playoff analysis. (It’d be easier if the Jets were still alive) At any rate, it means that from here on out, the days get longer and things get brighter.

See, Here’s The Thing; As a sports fan, we always want to believe that the future is brighter, that better things are coming, that free pizza and Jell-o shots are on the way. Of course, for those of us who root for the Browns or the 76ers or the Washington Generals, seeing things getting better is easy, because outside of the team plane being hijacked or an alien bursting from our chest while we reach for the nachos, it can’t get worse. can it? (You know what, if it can, don’t tell me) The essence of sports fandom is believing that the best is yet to come, that our favorite team is improving, that they can make that miracle run through the playoffs and hoist that championship trophy. Sometimes, for teams like the Cleveland Cavaliers and Chicago Cubs, it’s a long, tortuous slog that ends up in an indescribable pile of glory. Other times, for teams like the Cleveland Browns and the Philadelphia 76ers it’s a long, tortuous slog that ends up in an indescribable pile of torture and slogging, not to mention curse words that heretofore did not exist. We HAVE to hold onto our optimism, or we end up in a George Bailey spiral of anger and self-loathing. Whether it’s a player returning from injury, or a super high draft pick on the way, or simply that the team announced that Bacon Wrapped Cronuts are coming to the concession stand starting next game, there is always a reason to stay positive. It doesn’t mean everything is rainbows an unicorns, be realistic, but much like the hours of sunlight will increase after today, we must believe that tomorrow is going to be better.

Look, be a realist all you want, but remember: Zuzu’s petals are alway there, in your pocket, in some form. Slow down and look, I promise they’re there.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – McCaffrey And Supermodels

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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OK, so everyone in SportsLand is up in arms today about Christian McCaffrey not playing in a Bowl Game to start his NFL Draft preparation. At least, I think they’re up in arms. Some of them could be up in legs, or hips, or spleens for all I know. I’m just saying they’re upset. I’m also saying that if you’re one of those who is upset, you should probably hold on tight, you wouldn’t want to fall from that great height on your high horse. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus Is Santa

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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If everybody’s working for the weekend, well then everybody’s made it, because the weekend is here! (Also, you should negotiate a pay raise) Yes, I do know that’s an ancient song reference. No, I don’t care. Hey, do you want to stand here and quibble over whether I’m “old” or “really old,” or do you want Gamblicus to give you the best gambling tips in this and most of the other galaxies?

See, Here’s The Thing; It’s Mortal Lock Friday, which means our old friend Gamblicus will pop his head out and see if we’re going to get six more weeks of winter. No wait, that’s not Gamblicus. I apologize, that’s Bill Murray. Anyway, why don’t we take a look and see who’s going to win what in the world of sports this weekend? I predict the number of shirtless guys and guys dressed as Santa in the stands in Buffalo will be greater than the number of points scored between the Bills and Browns. I predict the hype about Matt Moore and his “gunslinger” mentality heads to new York and suffers the same fate as most gunslingers in The Old West: shot in the back while sitting in the outhouse. I predict that those who are upset with LeBron James resting for a game in December are those who have taken multiple days off this year for great reasons like “I just can’t even” and “How can I be expected to work when Chloe’s life is in turmoil?” I predict Draymond Green kicks a guy in the nuts. (OK, that one is a gimme) I predict a major free agent baseball signing in Cleveland. I predict the upset of the week comes from the Not For Much Longer San Diego Chargers. I predict the Panthers, Saints, Bengals and Colts keep their flickering playoff hopes alive. I predict a road win for the Patriots, a home loss for the Texans, a growing “What if Matt Barkley is the guy at quarterback” movement in BearsTwitter, and a complete and utter annihilation of two dozen bacon-wrapped chicken wings on my couch. That’s right, Daddy’s home.

Look, if Gamblicus had ever been wrong there might be cause for hesitation, but as sure as it’s the weekend, he’s right. Go forth and gamble, degenerates!

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Picking Out A Thermos For You

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Well hello there neighbor! Won’t you come in and watch while I change my sweater and my shoes? No. No, that would be creepy wouldn’t it? How was that a show for children? I’m musing about things from my childhood, because I noticed that 37 years ago today, The Jerk was released into theaters. It was 1979, Steve Martin was already my idol, and the sports world was a turnin’-round.

See, Here’s The Thing; Today is going to be a look into the WayBack Machine. I know the young ‘uns out there don’t want to listen to a middle aged guy go on and on about things that happened before cellphones and the internet and cellphoneone & internet porn, but when you get your own radio spot, you do what YOU want. 1979 was a seminal year for me, both in terms of what would eventually become a career in comedy, and in my sports fandom. The Cleveland Browns were 1 year away from the magical Kardiac Kids season, and in ’79 were showing signs of what was to come with Brian Sipe, a couple of Pruitts and Dave Logan. The Pittsburgh Steelers were winning Super Bowls, and my Dad was helping me towards a deeper understand of hatred for that team, by teaching me curse words that to this day I’ve never heard anywhere else. The ’79 Pirates were proving that being a Family can bring you a World Series Title, especially if Willie Stargell is the Dad and he defies Father Time. In 1979 the Canadiens were winning the last of four consecutive Stanley Cups, and we were about to see the era of the Islanders approach. In 1979 Alabama was winning the National Championship … OK, so not everything is different. In ’79 we saw the deaths of Thurman Munson, Darla and Mr Ed, plus the births of Ladanian Tomlinson, Ron Artest and Pink. Most importantly, I saw the birth of my understand that to be funny, no linear system has to be followed. Non-sequiturs and outright silliness can be hilarious if done properly, and I learned that by seeing The Jerk.

Look, I don’t need you to understand. All I need is this paddle game and this remote control and this chair, and that’s all I need. Unless you want to trade it for a thermos.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – 12 Days Of The NFL Playoff Chase

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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We’re back, friends and you! As we barrel headfirst down the home stretch of both Christmas and the NFL Playoff race, I’d like to take today and do a Here’s The Thing version of the Twelve Days Of Christmas. I’d like to, but I don’t have nearly enough time for that song, and it’s really difficult to sing that “ladies dancing” part without making cheap stripper jokes and snickering like a 12 year old. So let’s just talk about the playoff chase, shall we? [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – 2017 MLB Season Is Already Over. Go Home.

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Greetings and salutation to both the showerers and non-showerers out there in radioland. Much like the house in Poltergeist, all are welcome. Today we will discuss sports fans and media handing out championships months too early based on little to no evidence, and why you don’t have to wait until the end of the season to know that I’m 100% right and anyone who disagrees is a big, dumb doofus.

See, Here’s The Thing; It’s December, and sports media has teamed up with the Twitterverse to decide that the Red Sox will win the 2017 World Series. I mean, if the media says it, it must be true, right? So why even play the season? Let’s just hand out the hardware and save everyone a lot of time, injuries and wildly expensive stadium nachos! Well, that sounds solid except for one thing: teams that win December don’t necessarily win championships. Every year we go through this exercise of declaring baseball teams champs because they signed some high priced free agents or made some giant trade. Every May it looks great. Every June we start to question it. Every September we make fun of them for wasting their time. Then the next December we start the process all over again! Hooray for the definition of insanity! Don’t get me wrong, the trade for Sale was a solid move for Boston and on paper should help them tremendously – heck, he could end up winning Game 7 for them. All I’m saying is that as far as I know, the vast majority of Major League Baseball game aren’t played on paper. (Some are, mostly the ones in Canada, but those only count as 78% of an American game anyway, so…) There will be other moves made this week/.There will be injuries and off years and surprise stars we can’t possibly know about yet. There will be streakers on the field and fat guys in front of us at the concession stand who somehow take the last of the Dodger Dogs, forcing us into the previously mentioned overpriced nachos. Can we wait for that to declare a champion? Please?

Look, I like the offseason as much as the next guy – more than him, if the next guy is really into musical theater – but it’s only a starting point. Folks, when I am the calm voice of reason, we know this stuff has gotten WAY out of hand.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – December NFL Fans: Draft Nuts Group & Playoffs Group

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Good morning, fellow wanderers. As the NFL season rounds the quarter pole and heads into the home stretch, the screaming and emotion that you associate with racing fans as the horses thunder towards the finish line is exactly what you can find in football fans, in real life and especially across the internet. However, the excitement is divided among two very distinct groups of December fans: The Playoffs Group, and the folks we’ll discuss today: The Draft Nuts group. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – The CFP: No Number Stops The Arguing

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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We’re back, ladies and breath mints. Well, actually we never left. We just weren’t together the past few days. I mean, I guess some of you could have left. I don’t know, I wasn’t with you. What were we talking about? Whatever it was, let’s discuss the College Football Playoff, and by “discuss” I of course mean “yell and shout and call each other names that would embarrass our mothers.” [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus Returns

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Great Googly Moogly Morning, friends and defendants! It IS a great morning! Not only because we’re alive, not currently in captivity, and most of our test results came back negative, but because this incredible day marks the return of one of our most treasured Americans to these airwaves: Gamblicus is here for Mortal Lock Friday. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – Hey Baseball, Don’t Screw It Up

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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So we’re approaching another potential work stoppage in Major League baseball. As someone old enough to remember the last one from 1994 (yet not old enough to remember Paul Revere’s Wild Ride, despite what my teenage daughter thinks), I can say to the owners without hesitation that to have a lockout, even a short one that doesn’t delay Spring Training, would be an incredibly bad idea.

See, Here’s The Thing; Hey baseball: you’ve grown fan interest and bridged the generation gap in the past few years, don’t screw it up. Even the much-maligned Millennials have been drawn into baseball, most recently by an utterly electrifying postseason, and have apparently cast aside their need for every sporting event to have constant noise and more unending action than a Kardashian bedroom. Now for a moment, let’s forget the fact that the last stoppage ALSO happened when Cleveland had a team capable of ending their World Series drought (Thanks, God!). After ’94, it took years for the fan base to return, and it’s debatable whether or not the “Steroid Era” was permitted to happen on the sly in order to regain that fan interest. through Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and guys like Brady Anderson hitting home runs halfway to Singapore. (Shut up, Rafael Palmeiro, I don’t want to hear it) In 2016, the world of entertainment is so vastly different, with so many more options not only available but readily available at the touch of an app, Major League Baseball might never recover from another lockout or strike. Americans have become cynical enough already, and Major League Baseball – The American Pastime – showing yet another disconnect between the haves and the have nots could be the death knell for the sport. I know people have always said that, and I’m usually the first to poopoo it (mostly because I like saying “poopoo” in public) but the world is different now, and the growth and availability of other sports from around the globe, gives this time a different feel.

Look, I’ve always been a baseball guy so I’m biased, but it seems to me a no brainer. Do you want a slightly smaller piece of a giant cash pie, or no pie at all? Major League Baseball: Your Move.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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