By Reid Kerr
PSDC Offensive Coordinator
Draft Week, Monday, April 27, 2015: ESPN announces that Philadelphia is interested in trading up to Tennessee’s number two draft pick, but since they’ve already traded away their leading rusher and starting quarterback, all they have left to offer is this year’s twentieth pick, a quarterback with no knees, and a case of mismatched Nike shirts left over from Chip Kelly’s Oregon days.
Wednesday: News breaks that the Cleveland Browns have offered Tennessee both of their first round picks, since they weren’t going to be using them anyway.
Thursday morning, Draft Day, April 30, 2015: Tennessee announces they’ll trade the number two draft pick for three number ones, a second-round pick, a starting quarterback, and a fully functioning set of Iron Man armor.
7:17pm – ESPN’s Chris Berman has a sit-down interview with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, where he asks such hard-hitting questions as “What did you learn from last season?” and “Do you like ponies?”
7:30pm – ESPN announces Chicago has now jumped into the fray for Tennessee’s number-two pick, offering a package of draft choices and Jay Cutler. The Titans politely inform the Bears they wouldn’t accept Cutler if he was wrapped in money and came packaged with a vial of Manning DNA.
8:00pm – The 2015 NFL Draft officially begins, live from Chicago for the first time in fifty years. Roger Goodell’s opening remarks are slightly delayed when he is accosted backstage by a drifter trying to sell him a watch.
8:01pm – Confused Jets fans show up to an empty Radio City Music Hall, then decide to go ahead and boo anyway.
8:11pm - With the first pick, Tampa Bay selects quarterback Jameis Winston, who is not present at the draft. Jameis Winston and Roger Goodell are both silently happy they don’t have to mar their character by taking a picture shaking hands with the other.
8:12pm – As the Titans go on the clock, their phone explodes.
8:15pm - Jameis Winston realizes that in 39 years, the Buccaneers have never given a second contract to a quarterback they drafted. He then calls his friend at the grocery store to make sure his crab-leg discount is still a go.
8:19pm – Tennessee ignores the trade proposals and takes Marcus Mariota with the pick. Chicago fans boo the pick because it means their team still contains too much Jay Cutler for their tastes.
8:20pm – ESPN’s coverage focuses on a lone Titans fan wearing a Steve McNair jersey, which also reminds us that Tennessee hasn’t had anyone good enough to put their name on a t-shirt in ten years.
8:25pm – The ticker at the bottom of the screen tells us that Jacksonville is the only team with a top ten draft pick every year since 2008. That’s probably why the NFL keeps sending them to London where they’re still enthralled with the concept of anyone who can pick the ball up with their hands, which the Jaguars can do at least 60% of the time.
8:27pm – The Jaguars take Dante Fowler from Florida, possibly so they don’t have to pay his moving expenses.
8:34pm – Oakland selects Amari Cooper. ESPN’s coverage immediately compares him to former Raider first-round pick Tim Brown, and doesn’t mention other former Raider first-round pick Darrius Heyward-Bey.
8:39pm – Washington selects tackle Brandon Scherff, in an obvious attempt to keep quarterback Robert Griffin III to only minor injuries this season.
8:52pm - The hometown Chicago Bears go on the clock and select Kevin White. A jubilant crowd elects him to Congress.
9:02pm - Atlanta takes someone named Vic Beasley, who is either a defensive end from Clemson or a private investigator from a 50’s paperback novel.
9:13pm – The Rams select running back Todd Gurley, marking the first time since 1937 that a running back has been taken in the first round of the draft.
9:24pm - Cleveland gives the commissioner their draft card, which simply reads “Help!”
9:34pm – The Saints select tackle Andrus Peat, who Mel Kiper Draft Expert says is exactly what New Orleans needs, which makes it seem like he’s a good pass-protector who also majored in accounting.
9:47pm – The Chargers trade up to get the fifteenth pick from San Francisco, and select running back Melvin Gordon. ESPN’s real estate analyst suggests Gordon get a one-year rental place in San Diego and look for investment property in LA.
9:53pm - The Houston Texans select defensive back Kevin Johnson, who they hope will have a greater impact on their team than last year’s top selection, Whatsisname Somethingorother.
10:07pm – ESPN’s analysts discuss Nebraska defensive end Randy Gregory, who failed a test for marijuana at the February Draft Combine, where he told NFL teams he hadn’t smoked pot since November. NFL teams are expecting a little much from a guy who’s already told you he got high. Stoned dudes aren’t good with dates or times, don’t ask him any questions unless they involve the phrase “Would you like a quesadilla?”
10:13pm – Cleveland makes their second selection in the first round, taking a center and a nose guard. It’s like they’re trying to hide their picks in the middle of the field in hopes no one will notice if they turn out to be busts.
10:20pm – Philadelphia selects wide receiver Nelson Agholor, who hopes to continue the tradition of having a great career with the Eagles, then be traded away by Chip Kelly for no apparent reason.
10:36pm – Denver trades up to select defensive end Shane Ray, who was cited for marijuana possession earlier this week. Which is no longer a big deal in Colorado.
10:38pm – Just to upgrade the foreshadowing, Ray says in his post-draft interview his idol is Broncos linebacker Von Miller, who’s already been suspended once for violating the league’s drug policy. Ray also claims to have the foot speed of Peyton Manning, and the work ethic of Johnny Manziel on Saturday nights.
11:15pm - In a marketing tie-in, Mel Kiper Draft Expert is revealed to actually be Ultron.
– Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s novel “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape” is available from Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com.