By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger
I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.
We’re back, friends and you! As we barrel headfirst down the home stretch of both Christmas and the NFL Playoff race, I’d like to take today and do a Here’s The Thing version of the Twelve Days Of Christmas. I’d like to, but I don’t have nearly enough time for that song, and it’s really difficult to sing that “ladies dancing” part without making cheap stripper jokes and snickering like a 12 year old. So let’s just talk about the playoff chase, shall we?
See, Here’s The Thing; While the eight Maids-A-Milking and I were studying the NFL standings page for Browns draft scenarios, I noticed something odd: there are lots of teams still alive for playoff spots. Now, for Cleveland fans this is a weird and confusing concept, but apparently it happens to other tams every year. While I personally am not 100% sold that this isn’t some completely made up conspiracy like the Loch Ness Monster or Scientology, let’s examine some of the different potential playoff teams. The Cowboys, Patriots, Chiefs, and Raiders are in. The Lions need Mr Miagi to come fix Matt Stafford’s finger, while the Packers want to go full Cobra Kai and sweep Stafford’s leg. The AFC North teams need one of them to be slightly less bad than the others. The Dolphins need Matt Moore to channel his inner Earl Morrall (Google it, Millenials). The Colts need all of their bad draft picks to not play like bad draft picks, and for Andrew Luck to play like good Andrew Luck. The Texans need and would be thrilled if Brock Osweiler just played like Bad Andrew Luck. The Bills and Vikings need wins and a lot of help, including as many Lords-A-Leaping as possible. (I don’t know what that means, either) The Saints, Bengals, Cardinals and Panthers need wins and a lot of other team’s plane crashes. The Browns? Well, the Browns need Wyoming QB Josh Allen to declare for the draft. Never heard of him? Not surprising, you’re probably following this mythical “playoff chase” thingee instead of the reality of draft preparation. Freaks.
Look, the mad dash of the final three weeks is going to be a blast. The playoff chase is always breathless, because unlike in the song, there’s only one golden ring to be had.