By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger
I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.
Well, its’ day 2 of the NCAA Tournament, and you’re bracket is already busted. Yeeeeeeeeah, it is, don’t lie. Oh, sure I know you’re saying “But if I run the table with all 16 games today I still have a chance!” Yes, and if I invent a renewable unlimited energy source, I still have a chance to be the richest guy in the world. Since I’ll be watching basketball on the couch, elbow deep in a bag of potato chips, I think my chances and yours are basically the same.
See, Here’s The Thing; It’s Mortal Lock Friday. So even though it’s relatively pointless to even think about your bracket (and by “relatively” I mean “completely”), I will honor my responsibilities and give you all of the regularly scheduled wagering genius plans. I am a man of my word, unless keeping my word is hard or I don’t feel like it or it’s raining or something. I predict the Atlantic-10 takes 3 out of 4 today, led by those pesky Dayton Flyers as they begin their inevitable march to The Final Four. I predict two large upsets today, as Northern Iowa takes out Texas, and a depleted Cal team falls to Hawaii, causing everyone watching to briefly consider moving to Oahu, as they do every year during The Pro Bowl, The Hawaii Bowl, and anytime they catch reruns of Magnum PI. I predict Michigan State and Texas A&M both get scares but survive. I predict that since Dayton is in the first game of the day, I’ll begin my inhuman consumption of chicken wings earlier than yesterday, and by noon I should breach what was though to be an unassailable record of gluttony less than 24 hours after it was set. I predict if Dayton loses, you don’t want to be near me. I predict after all of those chicken wings, you don’t want to be near me. Finally, I predict Charles Barkley knows less about college basketball than I know about women, and this year’s Capital One commercials with Chuck, Spike and Sam are worse than a plot from Fuller House.
Look, as I always tell you, you can wager your life savings on these predictions, double it, and live a life that has Robin Leach lurking in your bushes. Or you can not, and Robin Leach will lurk in your bushes for completely different reasons. It’s totally up to you. Anyway, here’s to your Bracket Burning Party later tonight!