By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger
I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.
OK, so we’re officially into the Presidential Election Season. The kicking off of the first convention signaled that it’s time for ridiculous hats, horrendous dancing and utterly shameless pandering to whomever is directly in front of you. Hooray! It’s also the season of meaningless slogans and platitudes, which fits in perfectly with the world of sports.
See, Here’s The Thing; The NFL season is just around the corner, and this time of year we get to hear some of our favorite annual sayings that are just vague enough to allow spin later, and just specific enough to start the equivalent of a European ground war on Twitter. What are we in for, you ask? Well, see if any of these quotes from football “experts” sounds familiar. “His friends are telling me he’s in the best shape of his career, and they expect a massive change in his production.” “This team is poised to make a leap!” “His agent says this latest arrest has him more focused, more humble. He’s back to just enjoying football again.” “If this team can limit their mistakes, all of the rookies can contribute, and the older veterans can rediscover their previous form, it’s possible this team could sneak up on some people.” “If we had Stephen Thomas as our punter, we’d lock up a Super Bowl win.” (OK, I made have made up that last one)(But it’s still true) The point is, these sentences are as meaningless a politician saying “All children should eat!” Of course they should, who’s going to argue with that? Who’s going to argue that a team that limits their mistakes and maximizes their potential has a better chance to win than a team who sucks and blunders around worse than a husband coming home at 4AM covered in stripper glitter? It’s summer, it’s the time for optimism and I’m totally on board, but can we please give specifics? Wait, I forgot, we can’t – it’s convention season, so we’re forced to say things like “There’s potential here, no doubt about that!” Wait … what?
Look, I don’t care about your politics – no really, I DON’T CARE – mostly because I know that it’s all pandering anyway, and whoever’s in charge will try to steal more of my money. All I know is this: If RG3 can rediscover his Rookie Of The Year form, the Cleveland Browns could … nah.