By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman and Brad Pitt Doppelgänger
I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.
Well, the first weekend of March Madness is in the history books, my friends, and your bracket is busted. OK, well a tiny few of you can honestly say yours is not, but even yours is at least fractured, or suffered a deep bone bruise, or at least got a nasty paper cut on that one spot on your thumb that you somehow bump 368 times a day. Through all of the chaos, what did we learn?
See, Here’s The Thing; We learned many things, sports fans. For example, I learned that no matter how much I study the teams, the games, the brackets, and the opinions of college basketball experts FAR more learned that I am, my results are invariably the same as when I dash off my bracket picks in less time than it takes Bill Belichik to get surly at a reporter. After seeing where some of the schools that got in were seeded, I also learned that the secret formula the committee uses to evaluate teams apparently includes blacklights, Pink Floyd’s ”Dark Side Of The Moon,” and a visit from a descendent of Bob Marley, if you catch my drift. I learned that if I was half as good at comedy as Kentucky is at basketball, I’d have more HBO specials than George Carlin by now. I further learned that realistically, the only team that can beat Kentucky is Kentucky. Or maybe the Hickory Huskers, if they perfect The Picket Fence. I learned that picking a perfect bracket in the East and another perfect bracket in the Midwest through to the Sweet 16 gets you to about 38th place in your pool, if your South and West brackets are bloodier than an episode of “Vikings.” I learned that saying goodbye to this Dayton team was very, very difficult and I really want them to keep Archie Miller at UD. Finally, I learned that inviting your wife to join your bracket pool “for fun” isn’t all that fun when she’s 28 spots ahead of you in the standings. Not that she’s rubbing it in or anything. Being married rules!
Look, I’m sure you learned very similar lessons to mine, unless you’re one of those jerks at the top of the standings, in which case I wish bad things upon you. Now, I have to go figure out if I can still win my pool without any teams coming down with Cholera or anything.