By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger
I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.
It’s time once again for Mortal Lock Friday, and it’s the final weekend of the college football season. Put those two things together, and what do you have? You have an explosive opportunity for you to gamble your hard earned money on my sports wagering tips that can only be properly described with one word: perfection.
See, Here’s The Thing; I’ve never missed a sports handicapping pick in my life, and anyone who’s followed my tips, has a short memory and a baffling inability to look up past columns knows it. So if you want to win a dump truck full of money this weekend, listen up! I predict that Florida will pull out all of the stops this weekend – trick plays, gadget plays, plays that include both tricks AND gadgets, misdirection, confusing formations, inserting a small bear into the starting lineup – ALL of the stops to generate some offense in the SEC Championship Game. I predict that Florida will also lose by a score of roughly 98-5. I predict Iowa completes their undefeated season, to the dismay of people who now inexplicably hate the Hawkeyes more than Hitler. I predict Stanford wins the Pac 12, making their season opening loss to Northwestern the most baffling event since D.B. Cooper. Changing my mind from earlier this week, I predict North Carolina pulls off the upset of the year in the ACC Championship Game, and we get three days of the most glorious Twitter arguing since no one could figure out there were three different pictures of that stupid dress. I predict Baylor and Texas also participate in a football game that’s viewed by a plurality of the players girlfriends and parents. I predict Houston defeats Temple in an exciting game that makes Ohio State Twitter lament the loss of Tom Herman as if he were their son going off to war. I predict Navy defeats Army, Keenan Reynolds makes it to New York, but he’s robbed of The Weisman. Finally, I predict I won’t watch any of this, because Notre Dame is out of it, and I simply don’t care anymore.
Look, incredible as it may seem, this is it for most of college football. So let’s all get into the holiday spirit by gambling on it. Although with me it’s not really gambling, is it? Perfect, baybee. Perfect.