By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger
I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.
It’s Thursday, which on social media means it’s Throwback Thursday, and everyone will be posting pictures of themselves wearing long ago clothes and hairstyles and saying “What were we thinking? LOL!” all while secretly wishing those styles would come back because they still think they’re hot. While everyone is throwing back to the past on Twitter, a bold and borderline insane new future is being carved out in NBA Free Agency.
See, Here’s The Thing; This. Money. Is. INSANE. I’m not saying these guys don’t deserve the wages the market sets and shouldn’t go after everything they can get; heck, if I could improve my jump shot and average 6 points a game for $8 million a year, I wouldn’t be sitting here thinking up booger jokes and trying to come up with a rhyme for “flatulence.” What I’m saying is that the numbers in these contracts are unlike anything we could have even comprehended in our Throwback Thursday parachute pants days. There’s a saying in Government “A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon you’re talking real money.” Now, while there’s no possibility that athletes will ever be as stupid and insane and greasy scumbaggy about money as politicians, the axiom holds true for what’s being thrown around in these contracts. As a Cleveland fan I applaud Dan Gilbert for emptying his piggy bank, his couch cushions, the ash tray in his car and apparently putting into action Simon Peter Gruber’s plan to rob the New York Federal Reserve in Die Hard 3 in order to pay AND upgrade the Cavs roster. I have to wonder however, how long until Marc Cuban is tired of being outspent like that, decides to match the dollars, has to jack up the retail prices on all of his Shark Tank partnership items, and I end up paying $29.95 for some college kid’s taco maker invention. You see how it all comes back around to me?
Look, again, these guys should grab the cash while they can and not feel a whit of guilt about it, but as we scroll through our Throwback Thursday mullet photos and wonder if we really believed that our band with the word “Vomit” in the name would be a success, let’s remember: just because we’re used to hearing these numbers by now doesn’t mean we won’t regret it later. Nice 80’s shoulderpads, ladies. Mmmmmm, hot….
Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy tour schedule and BUY MY CD PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY MY CD all on my website at Middleagedmarriedguy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.