Mortal Lock Uranus Friday (Haha … Uranus)

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

It’s time once again for Mortal Lock Friday, that glorious day each week where I come down form the Mount Olympus of gambling geniuses to bestow upon you, my favorite readers or people who have this read to you by your schooled-up cousin, the greatest sports handicapping advice this side of Uranus, if they indeed have gambling on the other side of Uranus. Haha … I just said “Uranus.” Twice.

See, Here’s The Thing; Those who follow my picks are probably living in a mansion built of $100 bills at this point. With football season nearing its conclusion, those of you not on board have relatively few chances left to join our gambling parade, which is only slightly less fun than the parade led by Frosty – and in the gambling parade, we pause for even less of a moment when the traffic cop hollers “Stop!” Anyway, let’s bet! I predict that the Army-Navy game will have all of the amazing tradition, pageantry, and respect that it normally encompasses. I predict that many football fans will be exposed to Keenan Reynolds for the first time, and will come away as mystified as I am as to why he wasn’t invited to New York for The Heisman ceremony. I further predict that the game will have the same amount of blowout as it has in recent years, and people floating around the world will wonder why it isn’t now called “The Navy-Army Game.” I predict Johnny Manziel starts and wins a game for the Cleveland Browns this weekend, thereby messing up their shot at the #1 overall pick in next year’s NFL Draft, in a “win equals loss” kind of way that only Cleveland fans will understand. I predict the big NFL upsets this week will come from the Chargers and the Cowboys, with the Raiders coming within a whisker of one themselves. I predict Brock Osweiler has his first mediocre performance, tossing more fuel on the Peyton Manning start-or-retire fire. Finally, I predict that Donald Trump will say something stupid. (Hey, gotta have at least one “gimme,” right?)

Look, these picks are solid gold folks, so do the smart thing, empty your 401k and your kids college fund and let it all ride on my handicapping acumen. Oh, and if you’re still not giggling at least a little inside about the word “Uranus,” we probably can’t be friends. Haha … Uranus.

Find my Twitter, Facebook, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.