By Reid Kerr
PSDC Offensive Coordinator
Two Weeks Before Draft Day: The newly-rechristened Los Angeles Rams pull off a huge trade with Tennessee, claiming the top spot in the draft. The city of Los Angeles responds by telling the Rams to draft Kobe.
One Week Before Draft Day: Cleveland trades with Philadelphia, giving the Eagles the number two spot in the draft. The Browns now have twelve picks in this year’s draft, which gives Browns fans hope that their team will take those choices and turn the team around. Sort of like last year when they also had twelve picks, won four fewer games, and fired their coach and general manager. Or in 2012 when they had eleven picks and also fired their coach and general manager.
Later That Day: The Carolina Panthers announce they’ve pulled their contract offer to All-Pro cornerback Josh Norman, who stays unemployed for roughly the amount of time “Zoolander 2” played in theatres.
The Week Before The Draft: ESPN announces they’re parting ways with Skip Bayless, Mike Tirico, the WNBA, lacrosse, Jon Gruden’s hairstylist, the guy who hands Lee Corso his headgear, and Keith Olbermann, even though they’re unsure if he still works for them or not.
Two Days Before The Draft: Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford, frustrated with his team trading up to draft his replacement, asks for a trade. He sprains his knee doing so.
The Day Before The Draft: Ted Cruz announces his Vice Presidential candidate. In response, the Buffalo Bills announce their Super Bowl parade route.
Thursday morning, Draft Day, April 28, 2015: Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick tells ESPN that he would rather not play than take the eight million dollar current contract offer from the NY Jets. Soon after, the Jets receive a collect phone call from JaMarcus Russell.
7:20pm – ESPN’s Chris Berman has his annual sit-down interview with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. They discuss the eternally-ongoing DeflateGate legal battle, which after the upcoming appeal will probably result in Tom Brady being suspended for the first half of his Hall of Fame induction ceremony.
8:00pm - ESPN’s Draft coverage begins, or as the NFL has branded it, “Welcome to the Family.” Considering how many lawsuits and legal entanglements surround the league from players, I can only assume they’re talking about the Spelling family.
8:05pm – The Los Angeles Rams go on the clock, looking to acquire the kind of franchise quarterback they haven’t had since Warren Beatty in “Heaven Can Wait.”
8:15pm – The Rams take Jared Goff. ESPN’s announcers say they don’t want to compare Goff to Joe Montana. They then spend the next ten minutes comparing Goff to Montana, right down to the DNA level.
8:22pm – The Eagles select Carson Wentz, who played his college football in North Dakota. ESPN produces graphics to indicate that is, indeed, a state.
8:29pm – The Chargers pick Joey Bosa, a defensive end expected to not only help them rush the passer, but also to pack their U-Haul truck.
8:31pm – ESPN invites us to tweet about the Dallas Cowboys upcoming pick with the hashtags #DALpick #dumpsterfire #clownautopsy.
8:38pm – In spite of the fact that Dallas was 5th in the league in rushing average and only 25th in sacks last season, the Cowboys take running back Ezekiel Elliott in an apparent effort to score enough points to win an Arena Football Championship.
8:45pm – Jacksonville takes Jalen Ramsey from Florida State, once again using their top pick on an in-state player to save money on moving expenses.
8:55pm – ESPN reveals that just minutes before the draft, Laremy Tunsil’s verified Twitter account posted a video of him smoking a gas-mask bong. Speculation begins that Tunsil may be a first-round pick of the Wu Tang Clan.
8:57pm – Jon Gruden goes on a rant against social media and privacy, and winds up yelling about “the Instagramming,” ATM fees, and how you can’t get sarsaparilla on tap anymore.
9:01pm – San Francisco gives the Commissioner their draft card, which is just one of Chip Kelly’s doodles of the Oregon logo.
9:04pm – Cleveland trades down again in an attempt to ruin the careers of even more prospective NFL players.
9:05pm – Tennessee uses the pick they just picked up from Cleveland to select Jack Conklin, the highest rated offensive tackle available who hasn’t been seen getting high on his Twitter account in the last hour.
9:13pm – The NFL honors this year’s winner of the Walter Payton Award for public service. Meanwhile back in the Green Room, the guy who could have been the number one draft pick tries to figure out who posted video of him smoking weed on Twitter. This moment is brought to you by Marriott, Nationwide, and crushing irony.
9:36pm - Some controversy erupts in the New Orleans draft room, where in a marketing tie-in, ESPN explains that General Manager Mickey Loomis is Team Iron Man, while head coach Sean Payton is definitely Team Captain America.
9:44pm – The Dolphins pick Laremy Tunsil, hand him a hat and jersey, frisk him for bongs, and then destroy his phone.
9:49pm – An on-screen graphic indicates “Raiders Needs: DB, LB, black-jack dealer.”
10:01pm – Roger Goodell comes out to announce the pick for Detroit and pauses to smile at the booing Chicago crowd, taunting the crowd like a heel headlining Wrestlemania. “Yeah, I made thirty million last year. Tell me more about why you hate me, little man.”
10:13pm – Indianapolis takes center Ryan Kelly, in a not-so-subtle attempt to keep Andrew Luck conscious.
10:25pm – The Jets don’t know what to do, so they just take another guy from Ohio State.
10:54pm – The Bengals take cornerback Williams Jackson III, one pick before the Pittsburgh Steelers were expected to take him. Somewhere Vontaze Burfict begins screaming “That’ll show you!” at his television until the authorities have to be called.
10:59pm – Denver trades with Seattle to move up and take quarterback Paxton Lynch. Colin Kaepernick realizes he now has to keep showing up for work in San Francisco, and begins softly weeping.
11:17pm - San Francisco trades up, and Chip Kelly attempts to draft the Oregon Duck.
11:22pm – The New England Patriots don’t get a pick. ESPN analysts still give them an “A” grade.
11:42pm – With the final pick of the night, Seattle takes lineman Germain Ifedi. Meanwhile, TheBigLead.com posts an article indicating Johnny Manziel is watching the NFL Draft in a bar in Columbus before a Justin Bieber concert.
How the mighty have fallen. Really, Johnny? Bieber?
– Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s novel “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape” is available from Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com.