Hey Facebook! Turn The Project Shanks.com Page Back On!

By Chris Stuckey and Reid Kerr
Currently Locked-Out PSDC Founder/Writer

Hey Facebook, we appreciate your attention to detail and security and changing your settings every fifteen minutes to keep Reid’s parents confused, but please turn the Project Shanks.com Facebook page back on.

Chris Stuckey is the owner and founder of Project Shanks.com (or PSDC, as the cool kids call it). Reid Kerr is the head writer and web designer for PSDC. Both were admins on the page, and are fully authorized to post on it, about it, and any other preposition you’d like to throw in there.

Chris Stuckey also runs the official PSDC Twitter page, which you can see here. Would it help if we posted about this matter over there too?

Right now, with no warning whatsoever, you’ve unpublished the PSDC page on Facebook and locked Chris and Reid out of their accounts, demanding they change the title of the page before you’ll let them log in again.

But here’s the cruel part, Facebook. When they try, they get an error. They can’t even log in to tell you you’re doing the exact opposite of the right thing because you won’t let them.

Please, Facebook. Reinstate the ProjectShanks.com page and let our people go.

(UPDATE: As of Thursday night, Chris and Reid were back on Facebook, but the Project Shanks.com page was not.)

Baseball Thoughts Entering the 2015 Playoffs (or how the Cubs can win the World Series)

By Joe Hines
PSDC Staff & Chicago Guru

I’m sitting in the ProjectShanks.com home office in Longview, Texas, six feet to the left of my slave-driving boss, Chris Stuckey. Talk about pressure.

But I surge ahead, determined to transfer these thoughts I have from my brain to keyboard, whether a thousand miles away at home, or at headquarters.

Photo Credit: USA Today

Photo Credit: USA Today

In case you haven’t noticed, the Cubs have the third best record in baseball. It is typical, that in such a case, the two better records belong to teams in their own NL Central Division; the Cardinals and Pirates. With only a couple of games this weekend to settle the dust and seal the postseason awards, the National League playoffs are set. The Cubs and Pirates will play the one game wild card game in Pittsburgh on Wednesday night, TBS the dutiful portrayer of the game. And don’t the playoffs just scream TBS? They broadcast an excuse me game every now and again, I was surprised to find late in the season that Ted Turner’s network even continued to broadcast baseball, with the superstations TBS and WGN dumping the local team coverage in the last few years, they being the Braves and Cubs. But that’s a conversation for a different column. [Read more…]

Texas Rangers Close to Reacquiring Josh Hamilton

By Chris Stuckey
Editor-in-Chief

Well…it seems to be all but official. Josh Hamilton is headed back to Texas where he experienced his most success as a professional.

Photo Credit: Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports

Photo Credit: Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports

The Josh Hamilton story is no secret to anyone. His most recent newsworthy off-field shenanigans have been oft reported. The recovering addict suffered a drug and alcohol relapse this offseason. This incident has left the relationship between Hamilton and the Los Angeles Angels strained. How strained, you ask? Strained enough that the Angels are willing to pay all but $15 million of the $83 million he is still owed. [Read more…]

Stuckey’s Academy Award Predictions

By Chris Stuckey
Editor-in-Chief

With the Oscars on the the horizon, I felt like you needed to know my predictions. I watched each Best Picture and provided a brief synopsis below. My official predictions can be found at the conclusion of this article. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Adrian Sanchez-Gonzalez/AFP/Getty Images)

Photo Credit: Adrian Sanchez-Gonzalez/AFP/Getty Images)

American Sniper

American Sniper is a film that really needs no synopsis. Everyone has heard of it and most have seen it. Bradley Cooper plays the role of Chris Kyle, the most decorated sniper in American military history. In terms of appearance and diction, Cooper was on point. It was certainly a moving film and definitely worthy of its Best Picture nomination as was Cooper for Best Actor. Despite this, I think American Sniper leaves Oscar night without either piece of hardware. [Read more…]

Remembering Stuart Scott (1965-2015)

By Chris Stuckey
Editor-in-Chief

By now you have already heard the terrible, awful, heartbreaking news about a man who left us far too soon. Stuart Scott hung up proverbial the mic for the final time on Sunday and moved on to the SportsCenter studio in the sky. Cancer took him from us, but he is so much more than another face of the battle still being fought. Stuart Scott was a dad, an ex-husband, a boyfriend, a television personality, and to all of us with cable or satellite…a friend.

stuart-scott-passes-away

Stu started with ESPN in 1993. I was five years old. That means I have not personally known ESPN without Stuart. The duo of Stuart Scott and Rich Eisen was one of my favorites on SportsCenter. Stu is, was, and always will be cool…cooler than the other side of the pillow some might say. He appealed to my demographic but not because he was trying to. He was 100 percent authentic, whether you liked it or not. [Read more…]

Degenerate Gamblers XII – The Naughty List Is WAY More Fun

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15), PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger &
Chris Stuckey (@TheChrisStuckey), Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

100785276

Well, look who’s back. We suppose you blew the Blackbeard-sized pile of gold bullion we won for you last week, and are in search of a DGI Christmas miracle to save your sorry butt, aren’t you? You’re lucky we’re in a giving mood, and by “giving mood” we mean “non-stabbing mood.” OK, OK, out of the goodness of our spleens, we’ll give you one more group of winners before Christmas, but that’s it. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, but we can’t be accused of not having a heart. (OK, we can be accused, but never convicted) [Read more…]

Emma Watson Back on the Market

By Chris Stuckey
Editor-in-Chief

If the reports are true and it seems as if they most certainly are, Emma Watson is no longer in a committed relationship with Matthew Janney. The former Harry Potter actress and Oxford rugby star recently split in an amicable fashion.

Emma-Watson-Matthew-Janney-Split

I mean, do you really think Emma would be involved in a messy, drama-filled break up? She’s a unicorn. Unicorns do not partake in such shenanigans. [Read more…]

Degenerate Gamblers, Inc XI – Simply. Awesome. You’re Welcome.

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15), PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger &
Chris Stuckey (@TheChrisStuckey), Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

You’re back, are you? Of course you are. You can’t stay away. You may be degenerates, but at least you’re smart enough to realize no one on Earth hands over as many winners on a weekly basis as the crack staff here at Degenerate Gamblers, Inc. (When we say crack staff, we mean in the plumber sense – no one wears underwear here, because it drives the ladies wild with desire.) You come back each week because we allow you to bask in our awesomeness for one day, and the rush of endorphins that releases in your degenerate brain is unrivaled by any legal substance on the planet. Hey, think about how we feel – we sit around in a pool of our own awesomeness every day. Rick James wishes he was us, bitch. It’s friggin’ fantastic. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, but we love ourselves even more.

On to the giant pile of guarantees.

Photo Credit: AP

Photo Credit: AP

It’s Week 13, and The Battle Of Ohio has severe playoff implications. The Bengals like to say “Who Dey?” Well, Johnny Manziel will be flashing the money sign and saying “We Dey, bitch!” JFF gets his first NFL start in the last home game of the year in Cleveland, the Dawg Pound is going to be frenzied like they’re on some really choice Heisenberg Blue, and Cleveland will extend their playoff hopes at least one more week. I don’t care what Stuckey says, the Browns win this one by 10 or more. STUCKEY’S PICK: BENGALS PICK ‘EM (STEPHEN DISAGREES AND BARKS IN STUCKEY’S FACE IN A RATHER ANNOYING FASHION) [Read more…]

Degenerate Gamblers Inc, Vol X – Clowning Around

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15), PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger &
Chris Stuckey (@TheChrisStuckey), Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

You know why you’re here. You’re here because Degenerate Gamblers, Inc is not only the sole handicapping entity in the entire industry that not only gives you badass, tailwhoopin’ picks that never, ever fail, but we do it wearing nothing but floppy clown shoes and a smile. That’s right, beyond your obvious gambling addiction, you have some pretty shady fetishes rooted deep in some childhood psychological scarring. Hey, as long as you keep paying the fees and buying our season picks packages, we don’t really care. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, sometimes we embrace them in a tiny Volkswagen with 50 other people in clown suits, but we don’t care about your feelings or well being.

On to this week’s guarantees. (*Sound of ah-oooga horn*)

The Pac-12 Championship Game features a rematch of Oregon’s only loss of the season. There are whispers that if things fall right at the top of the rankings and Arizona wins this game, the Wildcats could sneak into the college football playoff. To those who would say that, we squirt water into your eye from the trick flower on our lapel. Not just any water, either; it’s California tap water, which is nearly as toxic as the stuff “Alien” tried to spit on Sigourney Weaver. The Ducks spank UofA. Yes, we said spank. Stop thinking about clowns when we say spank. Sickos. STUCKEY’S PICK: OREGON -14.5 (STEPHEN AGREES)

Missouri is known as “The Show Me State.” We’ve never been exactly sure what they want to be shown, but we DO know what women in your average Missouri grocery DON’T want to be shown. We’re not legally permitted to go into further detail, but suffice to say its why we can never again go back to Springfield, into any store owned by the Kroger chain, or within 50 feet of any of the line of fine Van DeKamps products. Another thing they don’t want to be show is Alabama’s tail lights, but that’s what going to happen. TV folks are trying to talk this game up, but remember that TV folks also talked up “Peter Pan Live.” STUCKEY’S PICK: ALABAMA -14.5 (STEPHEN AGREES)

The Seminoles have been surviving by the skin of their teeth all season, both on the field and in the courtroom. If there’s one good thing to say about this hideous new college football playoff system, it’s that an undefeated team doesn’t have to stay ranked number one simply because they’re undefeated. You skate by, you lose ranking. As it should be. Georgia Tech’s uniforms and offense can send people into seizures, and that just might happen in the ACC Championship Game. The Ramblin’ Wreck crashes into Famous Jameis and destroys his chance at a repeat championship. STUCKEY’S PICK: GEORGIA TECH +4 (STEPHEN DISAGREES)

On to the NFL, where they both play and pretend to care about domestic violence at a much higher level.

The Indianapolis Colts head to the Lakefront to take on the Browns in Cleveland, and Trent Richardson has vowed to leap into the Dawg Pound if he scores a touchdown. First, the only way Richardson scores on Sunday is if he’s shooting another home made porno. Second, we almost hope he does score, because if he’s delusional enough to believe the fans in the Dawg Pound will welcome him, he deserves whatever beer soaked, pepper sprayed, “stick your finger down your throat and force yourself to vomit in his helmet earhole” mayhem the Dawg Pounders cook up for him. Having held season tickets in the Pound since 1991, we can only imagine what hellish torture it will be. STUCKEY’S PICK: COLTS -3.5 (STEPHEN DISAGREES)

It’s December, which means any game played in Philadelphia must – by law, MUST – include several announcer references to Philly fans booing Santa Claus, as well as a few seconds of grainy footage proving that the incident happened. The Seahawks come in riding high, but they haven’t seen anything like what they’re about to run into. Namely, a bunch of fans booing Santa Claus, their team, most nuns, and a majority of the cute little puppies at random pet storefronts. Those people like to boo, even when they’re winning. Which they will. STUCKEY’S PICK: EAGLES -1.5 (STEPHEN AGREES)

If you go back to the end of the Patriots game in Green Bay last week, just after the Packers gained the first down to lock up the game, you can see Tom Brady shouting on the sideline for some cutlery. He must have had a bunch of spaghetti to eat, because he kept yelling “FORK! FORK! FORK!” over and over. I just kept thinking, “Man, someone get that dude a fork!” Anyway, even with much better weather, Saint Brady will be asking for plenty of forks as the game with San Diego comes to a close; Pats drop their second in a row. STUCKEY’S PICK: CHARGERS +3 (STEPHEN DISAGREES)(STEPHEN ALSO NEEDS A FORK)

So there you have it, the best pile of picks this side of Tucson. Or Dallas. Or something. Anyway, take these and multiply your millions, or we’ll squirt seltzer in your eye and ride a tricycle next to an elephant. Because of the clown shoes. Remember? Holy crap, pay attention, degenerates. Go gamble. (*Sound of ah-oooga horn*)

Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15) and Chris Stuckey (@TheChrisStuckey) have been voted “Badass SexyBeast Handicappers Of The Year” in Vegas every year since 1993, and have been featured by ESPN, Maxim and Eddie Gaedel’s Sports And Bondage Fun-O-Rama, except that none of that is true and this entire column is bullshit. Gamble on your own, degenerates.

 

 

 

Degenerate Gamblers, Inc. Vol IX: Invest In Our Degenerate IPO

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15), PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger &
Chris Stuckey (@TheChrisStuckey), Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

Two-Broke-Girls

Last week, Degenerate Gamblers, Inc had so much success we briefly considered a public offering of stock. Then we remembered we don’t like other people, so we stopped considering it. Then we remembered we like other people’s money, so we considered the IPO again. Then we remembered that one episode of Cheers where Harry The Hat tricked Gary into bulldozing Gary’s Old Towne Tavern, and we laughed and laughed and laughed. Then we thought about the stock thingee, got a headache and opened another bottle of scotch. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, but we don’t really understand Wall Street and could watch reruns of Cheers every second of the day when football isn’t on.

On to this week’s rock solid tips.

It’s the week of The Iron Bowl, which is kind of like the Civil War in Alabama, in that it’s brother against brother. (This is unlike games in Arkansas, where it’s brother dating sister.) After the Kick-Six of a year ago, The Tide are looking for revenge, redemption and possibly Ricola (scratchy throat) – they won’t get it. As much as it seems like poking a bear or crossing the Ghostbusters streams, we’re taking the Tigers to roll out with a win and yell WAR EAGLE (for some reason). STUCKEY’S PICK: AUBURN +9 (STEPHEN AGREES) [Read more…]

Degenerate Gamblers, Vol. VIII – JUST TRUST US!!!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15), PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger &
Chris Stuckey (@TheChrisStuckey), Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

3rd-rock-from-the-sun

It was another banner week last week at DGI, as we were undefeated if you don’t look at all of the games. Hey, don’t judge; there’s a strategy to being a successful degenerate. 1 – Bet on more winners than losers. 2 – Deny any losers that you do bet. 3 – Never interrupt Stuckey when he’s in the middle of a Big Bang Theory marathon. He’ll cut you. He’ll cut you good. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, but we don’t tolerate people who interrupt our Penny Watching.

On to this week’s sure fires.

Arkansas ended their 17-game SEC losing streak last week, allowing their fans to yell “WOO PIG SOOEY!” which is normally reserved for drunken late nights at Arby’s or most of your finer cousin-to-cousin weddings. Sportswriters everywhere are looking for an excuse to start the “SEC Champion should be in the playoff, even with three losses!” drumbeat, and the piggies get us one step closer. STUCKEY’S PICK: ARKANSAS +3 (STEPHEN DISAGREES) [Read more…]

Degenerate Gamblers, Inc, Vol VII – Being Polite Bites

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15), PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger &
Chris Stuckey (@TheChrisStuckey), Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

Welcome back. We’re glad you’re here. Not really, but our therapist says we have anger issues and should try to be more polite, even to degenerates who annoy us on multiple levels. So again, glad you’re here. (Big fake smile) Man, this polite thing sucks. If this being nice crap doesn’t make you buy our season picks package, next week we’re gong to punch our therapist in the spleen. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, but we don’t tolerate psychology mumbo-jumbo, or even psychology gumbo.

Cliff-Clavin-Jeopardy

On to this week’s locks.

The West is considered the weaker division of The Big Ten, which is like being considered the least attractive waitress at Denny’s. Nebraska was underrated at the start of the year, Wisconsin was overrated, and the Huskers will head into Madison in the snow and wind and cheese to deliver a beat down worse than bratwurst on arteries. Also, Amir Abdullah is a much cooler sounding name than Melvin Gordon. “Melvin” sounds like an accountant or a sidekick from the Old West. STUCKEY’S PICK: NEBRASKA +6 (STEPHEN DISAGREES) [Read more…]