Here’s The Thing – The Ryder Cup (USAUSAUSAUSA!)

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Good morning, my fellow Americans. No, I’m not launching a bid for President, although admit it, you’d probably vote for me over these two yahoos, wouldn’t you? You’d at least have to seriously consider it … come ooooonnn … OK OK, I solemnly swear I’d wear pants on even numbered days. Anyway, I’m here to talk to my fellow Americans about The Ryder Cup victory.

See, Here’s The Thing; The 17-11 victory by the US in this year’s cross-pond tilt showed once again why The Ryder Cup is one of the preeminent events in all of sports. No, not because it brought out way way WAY too much of the Happy Gilmore part of the crowd – seriously, anyone out there who thinks shouting threats and middle school insults at a golfer is cool, please leave and never return to a golf course (I could not be kidding less, and let me personally apologize to Rory McIlroy for having to endure some of those cretinous remarks). What I mean is, there were over 50,000 spectators in Minnesota and the atmosphere was beyond electric for three consecutive days. From the 4-0 start by The Americans, to the subsequent charge to tie it up by The Europeans, to the convincing Sunday Singles session that put The Cup back on US soil, I was glued to my TV in a way that normally requires extended female nudity or back-to-back bacon commercials. Phil Mickelson showed that us old guys can still swing the sticks. Sergio Garcia matched him. Thomas Pieters showed more steely poise from a rookie than … well ANYONE, EVER. The level of golf played this weekend, under pressure I can’t even imagine, was astounding and majestic theater, and let’s just be honest – the front nine Sunday between Patrick Reed and Rory McIlroy was possibly the greatest nine holes of match play golf in the history of ever and time, so fun and emotionally draining that it caused me to shout my lungs out and frighten all the wildlife within two square miles.

Look, the pride and patriotism from both sides playing for their country makes The Ryder Cup unique. If you missed it, I’m sorry, because it was exquisite, and I’m already counting down to Paris in 2018. Oh, and USA! USA! USA! USA!

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Gamblicus >>> Your Family (Mortal Lock Friday)

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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It’s the end of the work week, unless you have a job like mine where it’s simply “the end of the week.” Semantics aside, it’s time once again to plunk our expanding American buttocks onto the couch, and point our eyeballs at a gluttonous amount of televised sporting events. It’s also time for Gamblicus to reappear and help you wager money that would otherwise be spent on foolishness such as food, or your family. It’s Mortal Lock Friday!

See, Here’s The Thing; It’s time for my Gamblicus ancestry to give you winners for the weekend. The Gambling Knowledge content in my bloodstream is thrice that of a normal human, and eight times that of someone who regularly uses the word “thrice.” So listen up, because here we go. I predict that Washington announces a changing of the guard at the top of the Pac 12 North, with a double digit victory over the smart hippies from Palo Alto. I predict Clemson does whatever the opposite of Clemsoning is, recovering from a sloppy start to the season for a double digits victory over Louisville. I predict more double digit victories from Oklahoma State, Florida State and Michigan. I predict I eat double digit chicken wings before halftime of the Notre Dame game, and if they lose again I’ll show a single digit from each hand to Brian Kelly in the Double Guns format. (I’ll give him the finger on both hands, if you’re not following along) I predict the Jags and Saints get their first victories on Sunday, while the four undefeated teams in action this weekend all escape unscathed. I predict there will be more Rex Ryan post-game press conference curse words than Bills points. I predict the 49ers pull the upset of the weekend in the NFL. Finally, I predict the Browns and Bears continue their hand-to-hand combat for the #1 overall pick, and DeShone Kizer continues to lay awake at night, thinking about playing in Chicago or Cleveland and wishing for a return to the carefree nights where all he had were nightmares about being chased by murderous clowns with chainsaws.

Look, I can lead a horse to water, but I can’t make it gamble, so you do with this gambling gold what you will. Just know, it’s not my fault if you don’t listen and have to spend your money your family. Like a sucker.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – I’m Feeling MUCH Better Now!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Good to be back with you, friends and inmates. Took a much needed break the past couple of days, as my ability to make my vast well of fart, booger and other bodily function jokes somehow relate to sports had waned. I’m back and feeling MUCH better now though, so get ready to hear how various NFL quarterback situations can be explained with well timed snot references. Or … something.

See, Here’s The Thing; What I’ve learned doing this program for the past three plus years is that it doesn’t really matter what I write about. Now, don’t take that to mean that I don’t care, or that existence is meaningless, or that you shouldn’t share your bacon with me at all times. That’s not what I’m saying, AT ALL. What I’m saying is that as long as we’re all together and having fun, the topic I choose to spout off about in a vaguely informed manner is unimportant. If I sound like a sappy Dad by saying that, then so be it (If you haven’t noticed, I am a sappy Dad). My break, while definitely needed, gave me time to reflect about doing this for over three years, and wonder why I haven’t been kicked off the air, or arrested or at minimum exiled to the island of Elba. After contemplating it for a long, long time (almost an entire episode of Cheers) I realized that it’s you folks I have to thank for my longevity. You listening every day … OK, you listening once in awhile … OK, you not picketing the radio station to have me beat up and removed is what gives me the energy to construct sentences like “Two good games will cause some team to trade their future to the Patriots for Garappollo,” or “Cody Kessler should play the rest of the year in Cleveland,” or “Hey, Dak and Wentz aren’t playing a giant ball of snot.” (Nailed it!) So I guess what I’m saying today is “Thank you.” Thank you for being here. Or being there. Well, your “there” to me is “here” to you, so … nevermind.

Look, what’s important is that I’m back, we’re all here together, and the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in The NBA Finals to the World Champion Cleveland Cavaliers. So Namaste, you boogerheads.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Mortal Lock Friday

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Well hello there, friends and inmates! The weekend is upon us, which means it’s time once again for me to channel the powers of prognostication handed down to me through the generations from my ancestor Gamblicus, personal sports handicapper to the Pharaohs. That’s right degenerates and degenerettes, it’s time once again for Mortal Lock Friday.

See, Here’s The Thing; The weekend is our time to kick back, open a bottle or can of an ice cold, government approved, reality altering beverage, and wager our hard earned currency on the outcome of sporting events over which we have no control and that may or may not be controlled by men in silk suits named “Rocco.” What’s more American than that, right kids? So let’s gamble! I predict that with about one week of baseball remaining, there are 13 teams within five games of the playoffs, yet most of the country will just be hoping “Please, Dear God, not the YANKEES!” I predict Michigan State beats Wisconsin like they caught them running Gouda in from Canada during a Cheese Prohibition. I predict the sun will rise in the east and Tennessee will lose to Florida. I predict the two biggest upsets of Saturday come from LA teams, as UCLA and USC take out Stanford and Utah, respectively. I predict the Cleveland Browns make it through an entire game without their quarterback needing to show an ER doctor his Obamacare card … but just barely. I predict the Raiders fall to 1-2, and a panic envelops RaiderNation on a level not seen since they figured out “The Purge” wasn’t real. I predict the Jaguars, Redskins and Colts and Saints get their first wins, while the Broncos, Vikings and Eagles suffer their first losses. I predict that by the end of Sunday, the area around my spot on the couch will look like Pig Pen fought to the death with Cookie Monster over a bag of potato chips. Finally, I predict that Sunday Night Football will cause an emergency meeting of Congress, to pass a law banning the Chicago Bears from appearing on prime time television.

Look, gambling knowledge is just in my blood, folks. For I am a Seer. Do with these tips what you wish, but don’t blame me if you pass and aren’t part of the 1% by Monday.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Hellmuth, MadBum & Puig: Guys Are Guys

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Madison Bumgarner and Yasiel Puig nearly came to blows the other night, as the Major League Baseball playoff races hurtle towards their conclusion. In a world where technology and social custom seemingly change with breakneck speed, it’s nice to know there are some things you can count on to never change: Namely, that some men will always solve their issues with each other in a testosterone fueled haze.

See, Here’s The Thing; Guys are guys, and nothing is ever going to change that. Now, we have taken huge strides forward over thousands of years of social evolution. For example, there are relatively few public stonings anymore, and most of us wear pants 60-80% of the time. However, at our core a guy will always be a guy. For guys, this means that no matter what we do for a living and no matter who we are, on some level each of us finds great joy every time we meet another guy that we’re pretty sure we could beat up. (Before you get all high and mighty ladies, a gal will always be a gal, too – which means that on some level, every woman finds great joy every time they meet another woman with tacky shoes or chunky thighs) All of the social conditioning in the world can’t change who any of us are on a molecular level, and when you’re talking about professional athletes, who earn their living by physically defeating the guy across from them, the molecular level has a much higher concentration of “HULK SMASH!” I’m not condoning starting a fistfight with the phrase “Don’t look at me,” I’m simply saying there’s a little bit of “Don’t look at me” and “What are you going to do about, bitch” in all of us. Admit it, there’s a part of you that likes watching it, too. A part of you that hearkens back to the Gladiator days. There’s a reason “Crushing Hits Of The NFL” videos outsell “Two Nice Dudes Shaking Hands” videos, and we love watching Phil Hellmuth scream at the poker table or seeing old clips of Jack Tatum almost decapitating wide receivers: it’s because we’re guys.

Look, MadBum and Puig are never going to like each other, and we’re all going hope they meet again in the playoffs. Admit it, you’ll watch, and part of you will love it. Pants or no pants.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Bama, Buckeyes … And That’s It

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Another weekend of football is in the books, so let’s discuss what we’ve learned, as we sit in our underoos, covered in barbecue sauce, amongst the leftover chicken wings. I’m kidding, of course – if there are ANY leftover chicken wings, you’re doing football watching wrong, should be forced to order the most unmanly “sweet onion chicken teriyaki” flavor of wings that exists and wash them down with girly looking purple drinks served in a plastic coconut, and most importantly are disqualified from ever being my friend.

See, Here’s The Thing; Even though it’s admittedly still early, the college football landscape is already sorting itself out. At the risk of being bombarded with creatively spelled vulgarities on Twitter by fans in Ann Arbor, Death Valley, Louisville and nearly every locale within the SEC, let me state that the realistic contenders for the College Football Championship and the lifetime supply of Dr Pepper have been reduced to just two. That’s right, even though it’s boring and repetitive and about as predictable as a pilot on Two Broke Girls, that trophy will only end up in Tuscaloosa or Columbus. That’s it. Naturally, anything can happen – injuries, incredible weather, arrests and suspensions, or Nick Saban might snap and murder Lane Kiffin on the sidelines with his bare hands after a missed third down, but if you’re objectively looking at the talent levels, it’s Alabama, Ohio State, a gap larger than any of the holes in the latest Hillary Clinton “explanation,” and then everyone else. The talent disparity between those two programs and the rest of the country is unlike anything I’ve seen since the 1970’s, when about 10 programs dominated, and everyone else hoped to escape playing them with enough healthy bodies to field a team for their BlueBonnet Bowl bid. Michigan, Michigan State, Louisville, Clemson, Wisconsin, Georgia et al – you are EXCELLENT football teams, make no mistake, but the Buckeyes and Tide make excellent look like .. well, me. They’ll put a hurtin’ on ya. heck, their backups will put a hurtin’ on ya.

Look, like I said it’s a long season and anything can happen, but if you tell me anyone but Bama & the Bucks are contenders as of right now, you can go sit with the leftover chicken wing guy in the Not My Friend Zone.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Chewing Bubblegum And Talking Baseball

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Welcome Back, Football

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Almost!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – #BrownsDailyMockDraftExperiment. Appropriate?

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Follow THAT, NFL!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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A World Of Pure College Football Imagination (Mortal Lock Friday)

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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