Here’s The Thing – 2017 MLB Season Is Already Over. Go Home.

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Greetings and salutation to both the showerers and non-showerers out there in radioland. Much like the house in Poltergeist, all are welcome. Today we will discuss sports fans and media handing out championships months too early based on little to no evidence, and why you don’t have to wait until the end of the season to know that I’m 100% right and anyone who disagrees is a big, dumb doofus.

See, Here’s The Thing; It’s December, and sports media has teamed up with the Twitterverse to decide that the Red Sox will win the 2017 World Series. I mean, if the media says it, it must be true, right? So why even play the season? Let’s just hand out the hardware and save everyone a lot of time, injuries and wildly expensive stadium nachos! Well, that sounds solid except for one thing: teams that win December don’t necessarily win championships. Every year we go through this exercise of declaring baseball teams champs because they signed some high priced free agents or made some giant trade. Every May it looks great. Every June we start to question it. Every September we make fun of them for wasting their time. Then the next December we start the process all over again! Hooray for the definition of insanity! Don’t get me wrong, the trade for Sale was a solid move for Boston and on paper should help them tremendously – heck, he could end up winning Game 7 for them. All I’m saying is that as far as I know, the vast majority of Major League Baseball game aren’t played on paper. (Some are, mostly the ones in Canada, but those only count as 78% of an American game anyway, so…) There will be other moves made this week/.There will be injuries and off years and surprise stars we can’t possibly know about yet. There will be streakers on the field and fat guys in front of us at the concession stand who somehow take the last of the Dodger Dogs, forcing us into the previously mentioned overpriced nachos. Can we wait for that to declare a champion? Please?

Look, I like the offseason as much as the next guy – more than him, if the next guy is really into musical theater – but it’s only a starting point. Folks, when I am the calm voice of reason, we know this stuff has gotten WAY out of hand.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Larry King’s Things

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Good day to you, friends and neighbors, and here’s hoping this 24 hour rotation of the planet bring you joy, laughter and artificially generated endorphins. As I write this, I’ve been away from home for two weeks, with one more to go. I realize that’s not a terribly long time, but being separated from my family always makes a little crazy. OK, craziER. Shut up, you.
See, Here’s The Thing; I’ve always been accused of being a bit weird and off-kilter, and I take it as a compliment. My Life Coaching philosophy has always been “Normal People Suck,” so I wear being called crazy like a Boy Scout Merit Badge. To that end, let’s go Larry King style today and just run off a pile of random, unconnected “crazy” thoughts on sports … and maybe a few other topics. The AP Poll in college football is a quaint relic of a bygone era that’s no longer useful or necessary, like a home phone, local TV news or Charo. Tom Brady and Drew Brees might collect an NFL paycheck and a Social Security check at the same time. BALTIMORE MARYLAND! YOU’RE ON THE AIR! The Warriors trading Klay Thompson is about as likely as me winning the Sexiest Man Alive contest … or coming in third … or receiving a single vote. Episodes and Review: With Forrest MacNeil are the two funniest shows on TV that you’re probably not watching. FLAGSTAFF ARIZONA! YOU’RE ON THE AIR! Overcooked yellow squash has the same gooey consistency as undercooked bread pudding, both of which I hate like Hitler. The Browns have the worst record in the NFL, but are not the worst team. This may be the first MLB offseason where owners actually stick to their claim they won’t spend like newly divorced guys in Vegas. People protesting to overturn the results of a democratic election are incredibly stupid. People painting swastikas on things and telling immigrants & minorities to “get out” are even stupider. My current Top 4 is Alabama, Ohio State, Louisville and Clemson, and at least two are in serious danger of missing the playoff. How’s THAT for crazy?

Look, you may not agree with what I’ve said today, and that’s OK. It just means you’re normal. Now, refer back to what I said about normal people, then ponder if you want to change your mind. VALENCIA CALIFORNIA! YOU’RE ON THE AIR!

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Learning From Football And Lucille

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Another football weekend is in the books, and before I focus completely on baseball, the Cleveland Indians and The World Series for the next few days, I’d like to take a look back and go over what we learned as we near the halfway point. Luckily for me, this is my column so I can look at whatever I want. I can look at The Walking Dead, or the viability of turtle farts as an energy source, for instance. I won’t, but I could. Hey look, football!

See, Here’s The Thing; Often in sports, as in life, we are certain of things until they’re proven incorrect. Like how we’re all young and single, we’re certain that when WE have kids, we’re not going to plop them in front of the TV or ever raise our voice or lose our patience. Until we’re on hour 73 with no sleep or a shower, Cheetos and Matchbox Cars in our hair, shouting at someone two and a half feet tall to just sit there and watch Toy Story for five minutes THAT’S ALL I’M ASKING FOR IS FIVE MINUTES OF QUIET! Anyway, this weekend Ohio State learned that young, insanely talented players are still young, and are occasionally going to play insane. Texas A&M learned that there’s “playing really good football,” and then there’s “playing Alabama.” Texas Tech learned that defense really needs to be more than a rumor, and Houston learned that preseason hype is as meaningful as drunken, 2AM proclamations of loving you forever. The Vikings learned why Sam Bradford was available for a trade, and why you never make a deal with a guy from Philly who looks eager to deal with you. The Lions re-learned why the preseason Matt Stafford trade whispers were more ludicrous than the Browns preseason playoff whispers. The Bills and Falcons were reminded games are not 58 minutes long. The Buccaneers learned that most issues can be resolved by playing the 49ers. Finally, the Cardinals and Seahawks played to a 6-6 tie, reminding us all that Negan’s bat and Abraham & Glenn’s skulls weren’t the grossest combination on TV last night.

Look, there’s a long way to go, and more things we know will be proven wrong. It’s the beauty of sports that being right until you’re wrong is the norm, not the exception. What will we learn next weekend? Lucille and I can’t wait to find out.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Hellmuth, MadBum & Puig: Guys Are Guys

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Madison Bumgarner and Yasiel Puig nearly came to blows the other night, as the Major League Baseball playoff races hurtle towards their conclusion. In a world where technology and social custom seemingly change with breakneck speed, it’s nice to know there are some things you can count on to never change: Namely, that some men will always solve their issues with each other in a testosterone fueled haze.

See, Here’s The Thing; Guys are guys, and nothing is ever going to change that. Now, we have taken huge strides forward over thousands of years of social evolution. For example, there are relatively few public stonings anymore, and most of us wear pants 60-80% of the time. However, at our core a guy will always be a guy. For guys, this means that no matter what we do for a living and no matter who we are, on some level each of us finds great joy every time we meet another guy that we’re pretty sure we could beat up. (Before you get all high and mighty ladies, a gal will always be a gal, too – which means that on some level, every woman finds great joy every time they meet another woman with tacky shoes or chunky thighs) All of the social conditioning in the world can’t change who any of us are on a molecular level, and when you’re talking about professional athletes, who earn their living by physically defeating the guy across from them, the molecular level has a much higher concentration of “HULK SMASH!” I’m not condoning starting a fistfight with the phrase “Don’t look at me,” I’m simply saying there’s a little bit of “Don’t look at me” and “What are you going to do about, bitch” in all of us. Admit it, there’s a part of you that likes watching it, too. A part of you that hearkens back to the Gladiator days. There’s a reason “Crushing Hits Of The NFL” videos outsell “Two Nice Dudes Shaking Hands” videos, and we love watching Phil Hellmuth scream at the poker table or seeing old clips of Jack Tatum almost decapitating wide receivers: it’s because we’re guys.

Look, MadBum and Puig are never going to like each other, and we’re all going hope they meet again in the playoffs. Admit it, you’ll watch, and part of you will love it. Pants or no pants.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Chewing Bubblegum And Talking Baseball

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Internet Rumors Rule!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Griffey? Cooperstown? I’m Officially Matlock.

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – One Bad Call And Indiana Jones

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie And Cheerleaders In MiniThongs

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Cavs, Cubs And Angry Wives: Comforting

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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The Punch Heard ‘Round The World

By Derek Reed
PSDC Texas Rangers Expert

The date was August 4, 1993. The Chicago White Sox vs the Texas Rangers. Robin Ventura at the plate. Nolan Ryan on the mound. Ventura takes a heater from the Ryan Express off the back of his right shoulder. He pauses for a second. Contemplates his next move. Then the 26-year old Ventura tosses his bat and helmet down and runs toward the mound. A mound occupied by the 46-year old legend and Texas icon. A headlock and several uppercuts later, and Ranger fans had a moment that is still talked about to this day.

That memory was one-of-a-kind. But, now it doesn’t stand alone.

Flash forward to Sunday afternoon. The Toronto Blue Jays vs the Texas Rangers. Jose Bautista at the plate. Matt Bush, making his second Major League appearance, on the mound. A 97-mph fastball glances off Bautista’s elbow and hits him in the ribs.

rougned-odor-punch-jose-bautista

A hard slide and a straight right hand to the jaw later, and another moment in Texas Ranger history is born. And it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person.

Jose Bautista is a talented player. He plays the game hard. He plays with intensity. But, he also comes across as a prima donna. A whiner. A selfish person. And after Sunday, all bark and no bite. [Read more…]

What A Season: Texas Rangers 2015 Campaign

By Derek Reed
PSDC Texas Rangers Correspondent

What a season.

Photo Credit: USA Today

Photo Credit: USA Today

Yeah, it ended in frustration and disappointment. Three errors, followed by a loud boom and the bat flip that will sit right next to visions of David Freese in the memory of Ranger fans forever. But, what a season. [Read more…]