Here’s The Thing – DraftTwitter And Testosterone Fights

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Well joyous greetings to you, friends and inmates. Another glorious day of sunshine coats the Earth, we’re all above the dirt and breathing and most of us don’t have angry squirrels attacking our genitals. In other words, it’s a good day. You’d never know that if you’re an NFL fan and currently reading DraftTwitter, though. You’d think we’re 4 hours into The Purge, and you’re the best friend that everyone just knows isn’t going to make it to the end of the movie.

See, Here’s The Thing; For fans of the NFL Draft, DraftTwitter is a necessity that everyone seems to hate. Kind of like if you were told you must eat Brussels Sprouts to survive. You’d do it, but you’d try to wrap them in something that tastes better than Brussels Sprouts, like bacon, or old coffee grounds, or gasoline or wolf puke… No one is ever happy in DraftTwitter. Ever. Reading DraftTwitter, you’d think the world was ending, there was a giant Space Ark with less than a dozen seats remaining, and who gets those seats was being decided by an all out fistfight to the death over completion percentages, fluid hips, hand size and the phrase “Pfft do you even watch film, bro?” For a bunch of people who seem to realize there is NO way you’re going to get everyone to agree with you on any player in the draft, they get viciously angry when everyone doesn’t agree with them on every player in the draft. Honestly, I’ve had more luck figuring out why my wife is mad than why some in DraftTwitter are mad, and the times I’ve apologized to my wife without having a clue as to why numbers in the thousands. How can this be changed? I don’t think it can. Simply put, a bunch of sports guys simmering in testosterone will always want to fight. Over ANYTHING. The NFL Draft, women, donuts, women, merging on the highway, women, whether Die Hard is a Christmas move, women, more donuts, women, or even chicks; it’s always going to be a chest beating contest, and the question “Who knows more about football” is what the kids would call a trigger issue.

Look, debate in DraftTwitter all you want, I’d rather do something more productive, like argue about politics. Now if you’ll excuse me, it really is a nice day. I’m going to go enjoy it.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

Here’s The Thing – 12 Days Of The NFL Playoff Chase

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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We’re back, friends and you! As we barrel headfirst down the home stretch of both Christmas and the NFL Playoff race, I’d like to take today and do a Here’s The Thing version of the Twelve Days Of Christmas. I’d like to, but I don’t have nearly enough time for that song, and it’s really difficult to sing that “ladies dancing” part without making cheap stripper jokes and snickering like a 12 year old. So let’s just talk about the playoff chase, shall we?

See, Here’s The Thing; While the eight Maids-A-Milking and I were studying the NFL standings page for Browns draft scenarios, I noticed something odd: there are lots of teams still alive for playoff spots. Now, for Cleveland fans this is a weird and confusing concept, but apparently it happens to other tams every year. While I personally am not 100% sold that this isn’t some completely made up conspiracy like the Loch Ness Monster or Scientology, let’s examine some of the different potential playoff teams. The Cowboys, Patriots, Chiefs, and Raiders are in. The Lions need Mr Miagi to come fix Matt Stafford’s finger, while the Packers want to go full Cobra Kai and sweep Stafford’s leg. The AFC North teams need one of them to be slightly less bad than the others. The Dolphins need Matt Moore to channel his inner Earl Morrall (Google it, Millenials). The Colts need all of their bad draft picks to not play like bad draft picks, and for Andrew Luck to play like good Andrew Luck. The Texans need and would be thrilled if Brock Osweiler just played like Bad Andrew Luck. The Bills and Vikings need wins and a lot of help, including as many Lords-A-Leaping as possible. (I don’t know what that means, either) The Saints, Bengals, Cardinals and Panthers need wins and a lot of other team’s plane crashes. The Browns? Well, the Browns need Wyoming QB Josh Allen to declare for the draft. Never heard of him? Not surprising, you’re probably following this mythical “playoff chase” thingee instead of the reality of draft preparation. Freaks.

Look, the mad dash of the final three weeks is going to be a blast. The playoff chase is always breathless, because unlike in the song, there’s only one golden ring to be had.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – NFL Quarterback Prospects

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Greetings, friends and inmates! It’s another great day in the neighborhood, especially if you’re an unashamed NFL draft addict like me. We’ve reached the point in both the college and NFL seasons when even the most casual fan starts to let one eye wander towards draft boards and player rankings, and begins to argue violently with other fans about a quarterback prospect they first heard of roughly 17 minutes ago. It’s a glorious time of year!

See, Here’s The Thing; If the NFL Draft is an industry in and of itself (and it is) then arguing about quarterback prospects is the product that drives that industry’s profit margin. Every Draft Season, there are more hot takes at football tailgates than there are idiots throwing up on their dates. (and if you’ve ever tailgated in Columbus, you know that’s a large number) This year, most of the arguing will center around the underclassmen. If DeShone Kizer declares, NFL scouts have already installed him as the clear #1 prospect, so be prepared to hear from Twitter scouts about how Notre Dame quarterbacks have failed recently, and how his footwork isn’t ideal, and how he looks like this guy who works at the bank and that guy’s a jerk so anyone who drafts Kizer is automatically a jerk, too. As for Deshaun Watson, we’ll hear about systems from folks who couldn’t discern 21 personnel from 91 personnel. (See, if you didn’t know there is no 91 personnel, please stop reading now and go listen to Skip Bayless shout) Brad Kaaya will have his arm strength questioned repeatedly by guys who couldn’t lift a nine pound bag of dog food if their four year old was trapped under it. Luke Falk will be called an “Air Raid” product, Mitch Trubisky will have an avalanche of hype followed by a bigger avalanche of hate, and Chad Kelly will be called a maniac and compared to everyone from Brett Favre to Machine Gun Kelly (Not Jim Kelly, the actual criminal from the 30s). Basically, it’ll be business as usual, and business is good!

Look, I don’t pretend to be an expert on quarterback prospects, but as of today I think DeShone Kizer is the undisputed top prospect in this class, and if you disagree, come call me stupid on Twitter. hey, everyone else does.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – #BrownsDailyMockDraftExperiment. Appropriate?

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – IT’S NFL DRAFT SEASON! (Shut Up, It’s Always Draft Season)

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – NFL Draft Addict? Join Our Support Group #FriendsOfMelK

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – NFL Draft: Day Two Predictions On Mortal Lock Friday

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Reid’s Official Unofficial NFL Draft Timeline 2016: Smoke and Mirrors

By Reid Kerr
PSDC Offensive Coordinator

Two Weeks Before Draft Day: The newly-rechristened Los Angeles Rams pull off a huge trade with Tennessee, claiming the top spot in the draft. The city of Los Angeles responds by telling the Rams to draft Kobe.

One Week Before Draft Day: Cleveland trades with Philadelphia, giving the Eagles the number two spot in the draft. The Browns now have twelve picks in this year’s draft, which gives Browns fans hope that their team will take those choices and turn the team around. Sort of like last year when they also had twelve picks, won four fewer games, and fired their coach and general manager. Or in 2012 when they had eleven picks and also fired their coach and general manager. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – The NFL Draft: Christmas In The Spring

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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2016 (Final) NFL Mock Draft

By: David Parks
Twitter: @_Parksie

Before we get into the last mock for the 2016 class – a look back at how things were before LA and Philadelphia lost their minds. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing – My Browns Mock Draft And Dead Cat Swinging

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Vegas And The NFL Draft

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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