By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger
I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.
Well hello there, friends and inmates! The weekend is upon us, which means it’s time once again for me to channel the powers of prognostication handed down to me through the generations from my ancestor Gamblicus, personal sports handicapper to the Pharaohs. That’s right degenerates and degenerettes, it’s time once again for Mortal Lock Friday.
See, Here’s The Thing; The weekend is our time to kick back, open a bottle or can of an ice cold, government approved, reality altering beverage, and wager our hard earned currency on the outcome of sporting events over which we have no control and that may or may not be controlled by men in silk suits named “Rocco.” What’s more American than that, right kids? So let’s gamble! I predict that with about one week of baseball remaining, there are 13 teams within five games of the playoffs, yet most of the country will just be hoping “Please, Dear God, not the YANKEES!” I predict Michigan State beats Wisconsin like they caught them running Gouda in from Canada during a Cheese Prohibition. I predict the sun will rise in the east and Tennessee will lose to Florida. I predict the two biggest upsets of Saturday come from LA teams, as UCLA and USC take out Stanford and Utah, respectively. I predict the Cleveland Browns make it through an entire game without their quarterback needing to show an ER doctor his Obamacare card … but just barely. I predict the Raiders fall to 1-2, and a panic envelops RaiderNation on a level not seen since they figured out “The Purge” wasn’t real. I predict the Jaguars, Redskins and Colts and Saints get their first wins, while the Broncos, Vikings and Eagles suffer their first losses. I predict that by the end of Sunday, the area around my spot on the couch will look like Pig Pen fought to the death with Cookie Monster over a bag of potato chips. Finally, I predict that Sunday Night Football will cause an emergency meeting of Congress, to pass a law banning the Chicago Bears from appearing on prime time television.
Look, gambling knowledge is just in my blood, folks. For I am a Seer. Do with these tips what you wish, but don’t blame me if you pass and aren’t part of the 1% by Monday.