Here’s The Thing – Mortal Lock Friday

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Well hello there, friends and inmates! The weekend is upon us, which means it’s time once again for me to channel the powers of prognostication handed down to me through the generations from my ancestor Gamblicus, personal sports handicapper to the Pharaohs. That’s right degenerates and degenerettes, it’s time once again for Mortal Lock Friday.

See, Here’s The Thing; The weekend is our time to kick back, open a bottle or can of an ice cold, government approved, reality altering beverage, and wager our hard earned currency on the outcome of sporting events over which we have no control and that may or may not be controlled by men in silk suits named “Rocco.” What’s more American than that, right kids? So let’s gamble! I predict that with about one week of baseball remaining, there are 13 teams within five games of the playoffs, yet most of the country will just be hoping “Please, Dear God, not the YANKEES!” I predict Michigan State beats Wisconsin like they caught them running Gouda in from Canada during a Cheese Prohibition. I predict the sun will rise in the east and Tennessee will lose to Florida. I predict the two biggest upsets of Saturday come from LA teams, as UCLA and USC take out Stanford and Utah, respectively. I predict the Cleveland Browns make it through an entire game without their quarterback needing to show an ER doctor his Obamacare card … but just barely. I predict the Raiders fall to 1-2, and a panic envelops RaiderNation on a level not seen since they figured out “The Purge” wasn’t real. I predict the Jaguars, Redskins and Colts and Saints get their first wins, while the Broncos, Vikings and Eagles suffer their first losses. I predict that by the end of Sunday, the area around my spot on the couch will look like Pig Pen fought to the death with Cookie Monster over a bag of potato chips. Finally, I predict that Sunday Night Football will cause an emergency meeting of Congress, to pass a law banning the Chicago Bears from appearing on prime time television.

Look, gambling knowledge is just in my blood, folks. For I am a Seer. Do with these tips what you wish, but don’t blame me if you pass and aren’t part of the 1% by Monday.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Hellmuth, MadBum & Puig: Guys Are Guys

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Madison Bumgarner and Yasiel Puig nearly came to blows the other night, as the Major League Baseball playoff races hurtle towards their conclusion. In a world where technology and social custom seemingly change with breakneck speed, it’s nice to know there are some things you can count on to never change: Namely, that some men will always solve their issues with each other in a testosterone fueled haze.

See, Here’s The Thing; Guys are guys, and nothing is ever going to change that. Now, we have taken huge strides forward over thousands of years of social evolution. For example, there are relatively few public stonings anymore, and most of us wear pants 60-80% of the time. However, at our core a guy will always be a guy. For guys, this means that no matter what we do for a living and no matter who we are, on some level each of us finds great joy every time we meet another guy that we’re pretty sure we could beat up. (Before you get all high and mighty ladies, a gal will always be a gal, too – which means that on some level, every woman finds great joy every time they meet another woman with tacky shoes or chunky thighs) All of the social conditioning in the world can’t change who any of us are on a molecular level, and when you’re talking about professional athletes, who earn their living by physically defeating the guy across from them, the molecular level has a much higher concentration of “HULK SMASH!” I’m not condoning starting a fistfight with the phrase “Don’t look at me,” I’m simply saying there’s a little bit of “Don’t look at me” and “What are you going to do about, bitch” in all of us. Admit it, there’s a part of you that likes watching it, too. A part of you that hearkens back to the Gladiator days. There’s a reason “Crushing Hits Of The NFL” videos outsell “Two Nice Dudes Shaking Hands” videos, and we love watching Phil Hellmuth scream at the poker table or seeing old clips of Jack Tatum almost decapitating wide receivers: it’s because we’re guys.

Look, MadBum and Puig are never going to like each other, and we’re all going hope they meet again in the playoffs. Admit it, you’ll watch, and part of you will love it. Pants or no pants.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Bama, Buckeyes … And That’s It

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Another weekend of football is in the books, so let’s discuss what we’ve learned, as we sit in our underoos, covered in barbecue sauce, amongst the leftover chicken wings. I’m kidding, of course – if there are ANY leftover chicken wings, you’re doing football watching wrong, should be forced to order the most unmanly “sweet onion chicken teriyaki” flavor of wings that exists and wash them down with girly looking purple drinks served in a plastic coconut, and most importantly are disqualified from ever being my friend.

See, Here’s The Thing; Even though it’s admittedly still early, the college football landscape is already sorting itself out. At the risk of being bombarded with creatively spelled vulgarities on Twitter by fans in Ann Arbor, Death Valley, Louisville and nearly every locale within the SEC, let me state that the realistic contenders for the College Football Championship and the lifetime supply of Dr Pepper have been reduced to just two. That’s right, even though it’s boring and repetitive and about as predictable as a pilot on Two Broke Girls, that trophy will only end up in Tuscaloosa or Columbus. That’s it. Naturally, anything can happen – injuries, incredible weather, arrests and suspensions, or Nick Saban might snap and murder Lane Kiffin on the sidelines with his bare hands after a missed third down, but if you’re objectively looking at the talent levels, it’s Alabama, Ohio State, a gap larger than any of the holes in the latest Hillary Clinton “explanation,” and then everyone else. The talent disparity between those two programs and the rest of the country is unlike anything I’ve seen since the 1970’s, when about 10 programs dominated, and everyone else hoped to escape playing them with enough healthy bodies to field a team for their BlueBonnet Bowl bid. Michigan, Michigan State, Louisville, Clemson, Wisconsin, Georgia et al – you are EXCELLENT football teams, make no mistake, but the Buckeyes and Tide make excellent look like .. well, me. They’ll put a hurtin’ on ya. heck, their backups will put a hurtin’ on ya.

Look, like I said it’s a long season and anything can happen, but if you tell me anyone but Bama & the Bucks are contenders as of right now, you can go sit with the leftover chicken wing guy in the Not My Friend Zone.

Find my Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, comedy schedule and buy my CD all on my website at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com. For Project Shanks, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

HeresTheThingArt

Here’s The Thing – Welcome Back, Football

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Almost!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – #BrownsDailyMockDraftExperiment. Appropriate?

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Follow THAT, NFL!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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A World Of Pure College Football Imagination (Mortal Lock Friday)

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – College Football Is Back, Fatty!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – I Hate Mondays (Mortal Lock Friday Review)

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – All-American Gordon Gekko (Mortal Lock Friday)

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
PSDC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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Here’s The Thing – Football Got NEXT!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
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I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

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