Reid’s NFL Picks: The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Heard

By Reid Kerr
PSDC Offensive Coordinator

As an observer of humanity, I’m always looking for things I haven’t seen before, the amazing and ridiculous, and the moments so bizarre they stay with me for a good long time. And so this week, I was pleasantly surprised to have a new top entry on my list of “The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Heard.”

And yes, even in the week of the most intriguing election since Napoleon Dynamite, I heard something so silly and insane it stood out. It was one of those talking head sports-shouting shows that I can watch for about twelve seconds before I have to flip to something more interesting, such as a “King of Queens” rerun or my cat taking a nap. Anyway, one of these alleged sports experts said the following.

“The Dallas Cowboys have GOT to trade Tony Romo.”

I understand on these shows, hot opinions are all that matters. They don’t have to make sense, indeed, it’s often better for the ratings if they don’t, so they say dumb things just to get a reaction from the audience.

“The NFL should suspend Richard Sherman, but make him play kicker while he’s out.”
“The Raiders should leave Oakland and just play in a series of Winn-Dixie parking lots all over California!”
“LeBron James is nothing more than a modern-day Kurt Rambis!”

You know, just angry gibberish, which people seem to eat up for some reason. But the Romo trade demand makes less than zero sense. It was so foolish, I wandered around for the rest of the day searching for truth and honesty in society, and coming up snake-eyes on that one.

It’s a given now that the Cowboys are Dak Prescott’s team. He could easily be the MVP of the league in the “non-suspended for four games” category. And Tony Romo will more than likely be cut loose in the offseason, and not truly appreciated until many years later. But that doesn’t mean things have to change immediately.

This is professional football. It’s not “The Replacements,” where when the starting quarterback comes back, you fire the backup for no apparent reason.

If you have a proven backup quarterback and you’re in a playoff chase, you don’t get rid of him. You don’t dump a major asset for a minor draft pick unless you’re Bill Belichick, and you’re devilishly insane.

Yes, once upon a time Drew Bledsoe lost his starting job to Tom Brady and was traded away, but not until Bledsoe had to come off the bench and help win the AFC Championship Game. If you’re okay with the thought of Dak getting injured this season and Mark Sanchez being a playoff starter, you go right ahead and keep losing money on Draft Kings, my friend.

On to the picks. Last week I went 5-1, and 3-3 against the Vegas spread, including one game I lost because of a meaningless touchdown in the final minute. And I know it was meaningless, because it was scored by the Rams. But the spread was 3.5 points, and a 13-3 lead suddenly became 13-10, and my win went away. It’s my own fault, I know I should always buy that half-point hook, but I never remember to do that because apparently I enjoy despair.

On the season, I’m now 35-20-1 straight up, 21-32-3 against the spread. Here’s the week ten picks. Remember, these are for the purposes of discussion only. As always, no wagering.

Houston (+1) at Jacksonville: I’ll admit certain teams in the NFL I can’t figure out, but the Texans are as consistent as sunrise. They win the games they should win, they lose the games they should lose, and they’re always in line for a crushing playoff defeat.
Pick: Texans to win and cover the spread, which means they’ll win by at least a point. If this one’s a tie, I lose.

San Francisco (+13.5) at Arizona: Chip Kelly is adamant that he’s not going to leave the 49ers to return to college football. Which begs the obvious question, “Why not?”
Pick: Cardinals to win and cover.

Dallas (+3) at Pittsburgh: Last week, Ben Roethlisberger had the worst comeback since Corey Feldman played the Today Show.
Pick: Cowboys to win it outright.

Los Angeles (+2) at NY Jets: If the NFL wonders why their ratings are down, “Exhibit A” should be this game between teams from the two biggest markets in the country, possibly quarterbacked by Case Keenum and Bryce Petty. That’s not a prime time matchup, it’s an Independence Bowl.
Pick: Jets to win and cover.

Kansas City (+3) at Carolina: Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce learned this week that throwing a towel at an official will get you flagged, ejected, fined, and hated by everyone who wasted a high draft pick on you in their fantasy football league.
Pick: Chiefs to win outright.

Seattle (+8) at New England: Richard Sherman couldn’t be more in full-on pro-wrestling bad guy mode if he did his postgame interviews wearing a feathered robe and shouting “Whoo!”
Pick: Patriots to win and cover.

I’ll also take the Patriots to win the AFC, the Seahakws to win the NFC, and the Browns to go 1-15 somehow. Good luck everybody.

- Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.

 

Super Bowl Betting: A Little Bit of History Repeating Itself

By Troy Gabaldon
PSDC Contributor

Before I begin I want to have full disclosure and let you know that I am a Seahawks fan. I am also a sports bettor but I never bet on or against any of my favorite teams. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still handicap games that my teams are playing in, especially when they are playing in the biggest game of the year. Not to mention the biggest gambling game of the year.

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I keep reading and hearing that Vegas has made the Patriots slight favorites over the Seahawks. This is a very confusing and unclear statement. Does that mean that the odds-makers have made the Patriots slight favorites or that the betting public has made them slight favorites? Two very different things. [Read more…]

Degenerate Gamblers, Inc. Vol IX: Invest In Our Degenerate IPO

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15), PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger &
Chris Stuckey (@TheChrisStuckey), Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

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Last week, Degenerate Gamblers, Inc had so much success we briefly considered a public offering of stock. Then we remembered we don’t like other people, so we stopped considering it. Then we remembered we like other people’s money, so we considered the IPO again. Then we remembered that one episode of Cheers where Harry The Hat tricked Gary into bulldozing Gary’s Old Towne Tavern, and we laughed and laughed and laughed. Then we thought about the stock thingee, got a headache and opened another bottle of scotch. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, but we don’t really understand Wall Street and could watch reruns of Cheers every second of the day when football isn’t on.

On to this week’s rock solid tips.

It’s the week of The Iron Bowl, which is kind of like the Civil War in Alabama, in that it’s brother against brother. (This is unlike games in Arkansas, where it’s brother dating sister.) After the Kick-Six of a year ago, The Tide are looking for revenge, redemption and possibly Ricola (scratchy throat) – they won’t get it. As much as it seems like poking a bear or crossing the Ghostbusters streams, we’re taking the Tigers to roll out with a win and yell WAR EAGLE (for some reason). STUCKEY’S PICK: AUBURN +9 (STEPHEN AGREES) [Read more…]

Degenerate Gamblers, Vol. VIII – JUST TRUST US!!!

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15), PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger &
Chris Stuckey (@TheChrisStuckey), Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

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It was another banner week last week at DGI, as we were undefeated if you don’t look at all of the games. Hey, don’t judge; there’s a strategy to being a successful degenerate. 1 – Bet on more winners than losers. 2 – Deny any losers that you do bet. 3 – Never interrupt Stuckey when he’s in the middle of a Big Bang Theory marathon. He’ll cut you. He’ll cut you good. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, but we don’t tolerate people who interrupt our Penny Watching.

On to this week’s sure fires.

Arkansas ended their 17-game SEC losing streak last week, allowing their fans to yell “WOO PIG SOOEY!” which is normally reserved for drunken late nights at Arby’s or most of your finer cousin-to-cousin weddings. Sportswriters everywhere are looking for an excuse to start the “SEC Champion should be in the playoff, even with three losses!” drumbeat, and the piggies get us one step closer. STUCKEY’S PICK: ARKANSAS +3 (STEPHEN DISAGREES) [Read more…]

Degenerate Gamblers, Inc, Vol VII – Being Polite Bites

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15), PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger &
Chris Stuckey (@TheChrisStuckey), Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

Welcome back. We’re glad you’re here. Not really, but our therapist says we have anger issues and should try to be more polite, even to degenerates who annoy us on multiple levels. So again, glad you’re here. (Big fake smile) Man, this polite thing sucks. If this being nice crap doesn’t make you buy our season picks package, next week we’re gong to punch our therapist in the spleen. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, but we don’t tolerate psychology mumbo-jumbo, or even psychology gumbo.

Cliff-Clavin-Jeopardy

On to this week’s locks.

The West is considered the weaker division of The Big Ten, which is like being considered the least attractive waitress at Denny’s. Nebraska was underrated at the start of the year, Wisconsin was overrated, and the Huskers will head into Madison in the snow and wind and cheese to deliver a beat down worse than bratwurst on arteries. Also, Amir Abdullah is a much cooler sounding name than Melvin Gordon. “Melvin” sounds like an accountant or a sidekick from the Old West. STUCKEY’S PICK: NEBRASKA +6 (STEPHEN DISAGREES) [Read more…]

Degenerate Gamblers Inc, Vol. VI – No One Picks Like Gaston

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15), PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger &
Chris Stuckey (@TheChrisStuckey), Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

Lots of handicappers give out football picks every week. However, our hastily done and completely not done research indicates that DGI is the only – the ONLY – handicappers that fully guarantees our picks. That’s right, no one on Earth can tell you that these aren’t our picks. They totally are, we guarantee it. If these aren’t our picks, you get your money back, a back rub from Stuckey and a free trip to DisneyWorld. We love Disney. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, but we embrace Mickey and Donald more. (Although Gaston from Beauty & The Beast is our favorite. Seems like a guy who’d fit in at DGI.)(WHAT?) You can use the money you win on some awesome casino games. I mean who doesn’t enjoy some blackjack and virtual slot machines? That’s what Chris and I do with all of our winnings. Caesar’s, people. Caesar’s.

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On to this week’s buffet.

Ohio State travels to East Lansing to play Michigan State, which is about the only reason any sane person would ever travel to East Lansing. It’s a tilt that will most likely crown the Big Ten Champion, which in recent years has been like crowning the cutest two year old at Gymboree. These two teams are better than that, and OSU is looking for revenge from last year. They’ll get it. Sorry, be prepared for BuckeyeTwitter to be extra obnoxious for the next week. STUCKEY’S PICK: OHIO STATE +3 (STEPHEN AGREES) [Read more…]

NFL Super Bowl Futures: A Look at Positions Mid-Season

By Melvin DeLucia
PSDC Writer

Andrew-Luck-Playoffs-1

Greetings to all and I hope that the first half of the season has been profitable to those of you that dabble in football wagering. In all honesty, I have been at about a 40 percent clip in NFL but close to 70 percent in college, so it has been a slightly profitable fall so far, but the NFL has proven to be a difficult sport to cap. I am tied for the lead in The Perfect Ten, so I take some solace in that, but this season has been much of a treadmill and hopefully the second half can be a turnaround. [Read more…]

Degenerate Gamblers, Inc Vol. V: We’re Pope-Level Infallible

By Stephen Thomas, PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger &
Chris Stuckey, Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

sharknado-sequel
Hopefully you’ve figured out by now that Degenerate Gamblers, Inc is an anagram for Gray’s Sports Almanac. Yes, it is, if you don’t use all of the letters and substitute some other letters for the letters you don’t use. Don’t argue with us, just shut up and continue to count your blessings that we allow you into our inner sanctum for a small fee. (“Inner sanctum” being a phrase that’s not nearly as dirty as it sounds) We’re pretty awesome, everyone knows it, and we’re glad everyone knows it. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, but don’t have time for contrarian jackwagons. [Read more…]

Degenerate Gamblers, Vol. IV – Just Trust Us

By Stephen Thomas, PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger
and
Chris Stuckey, Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

Some people said this week that the last DGI column had some missed picks in it. Those people haven’t been heard from since just before Stuckey took a trip to Vegas and the surrounding desert. So I’d suggest you just shut your stinky face if you have something like that to say. Everyone else who’s really smart and knows we’re never wrong and wants to buy our season picks package, gather ‘round and soak up another weekend of absolute frickin’ genius. We like that. We like being adored. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, but we embrace degenerates who adore us even more. Get at it.

On to this next set of locks that no one will frickin’ mention if they go wrong. Right? Yeah, thought so.

Les-Miles

The Mississippis are rolling right now, both of them. This week the Rebels face a huge test, heading into Death Valley to play against the noise, the fans that act like dinosaurs, and a coach who is, in a word, batshit crazy. Is that enough to overcome LSU’s average to poor quarterback play and pull the upset? Yes. Yes, it is. With a running game that’s come into it’s own, and a few surprises from The Mad Hatter involving fake punts, crazy glue, whipped cream and a choreographed number straight out of South Pacific (who knows with this maniac?), the Bayou Bengals will muddy the playoff picture with a double digit win. STUCKEY’S PICK: LSU +3.5 (STEPHEN AGREES) [Read more…]

Degenerate Gamblers Inc, Vol. 4: This Time, It’s About Bumpaddling

By Stephen Thomas, PDSC Funnyman And Brad Pitt Doppelgänger &
Chris Stuckey, Editor-In-Chief of Project Shanks and World Class Chick Magnet

So you’re back again, on your knees at the office doors of DGI, begging and pleading, willing to give up your home, your children and more importantly your Pop-Tart collection for just a taste of our infinite football wisdom? You’re smarter than the average bear, and the majority of ferrets, you know that? Wise move, especially for a degenerate like you. You should just buy the season picks package, it’s on sale now for $58K. Send a note to us here at PS and we’ll give you our secret DGI Swiss PayPal account info to send payment. That’s right, it has to be Swiss, because we’re THAT level of degenerate. Tell anyone and we’ll cut you. We’ll cut you good. At DGI, we embrace degenerates, but we don’t have time for stoolies.

bumpaddling

On to the plate of 100% certainties. [Read more…]

Here’s The Thing: Itchy And Scratchy Predictions 9/20/13

By Stephen Thomas
PSDC Funnyman and Brad Pitt Doppelgänger

Stephen Thomas’ brand new CD “Magic Wife Dust” is now available HERE! His sports-humor commentary can be heard nationwide, weekdays on The Nick Bonsanto Show on the Sports Byline USA radio network. You can subscribe to the Here’s The Thing podcast on iTunes and/or Podbean for free.  The transcripts will appear here.

I’m Stephen Thomas with Here’s The Thing.

It’s Friday, which everyone knows means two things: First, sports radio hosts across the country are having their weekend prediction shows, and second, men across the country will be disagreeing with those predictions, yelling at the radio, and scratching themselves.  Wanting to stay ahead of the curve, I’ve been scratching since Wednesday, and wanting to join in the fun, I’ll make some predictions of my own.

See, Here’s The Thing; Since I’m taking my past prediction success rate of nearly 27% and dropping sportsbook gold all over the place here, you should pick up a pencil and write these down, and for efficiency’s sake, you can use that pencil to continue scratching uninterrupted.  Work smarter, not harder. Anyway, here we go: I predict that college students across the country will get on TV Saturday by being shirtless in the stands with messages painted on their chests, but not remember it Sunday due to the Everclear Cheerios they had for breakfast.  I predict Johnny Manziel will do something on the field that makes his supporters love him more, and his haters compare him unfavorably to Freddy Kreuger.  At halftime, Cleveland Browns CEO Joe Banner will announce he’s traded The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame to Detroit for the rights to the next season of “Hard Core Pawn.”  Raiders fans will be despondent over Peyton Manning destroying their defense, but will quickly forget about it and go back to stabbing each other.  The Yankees will stay just enough in the Wild Card race that fans everywhere can continue to hate them for another week. The refs in the Auburn-LSU game will obviously be cheating for Auburn OR for LSU, depending on which fans you ask.  In Vegas, guys who’ve lost at sports betting 632 weeks in a row will continue to believe in their “system.” Then they will scratch themselves.

Look, you want winners? Take the Yankees, the 49ers, the Dolphins, Notre Dame, and whoever will somehow screw over Cleveland by winning. Of course, if you’re looking for winners on which to wager your hard earned money, you shouldn’t be taking advice from a guy who tells knock knock jokes for a living and spent ten minutes this morning looking for his lost socks. True story.

Find me on the web at MiddleAgedMarriedGuy.com, Facebook as Comedian Stephen Thomas, or follow me on Twitter @15Stephen15.  For The Nick Bonsanto Show, I’m Stephen Thomas, and that was The Thing.

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