The Unofficial Official Super Bowl XLIX Timeline: Least Mode

By Reid Kerr
PSDC Offensive Coordinator

6:35pm Sunday, January 18, 2015 – The Seattle Seahawks win the NFC Championship in a dramatic overtime game that curdles all the cheese in Wisconsin.

10:00pm – The New England game against Indianapolis effectively ends in the first quarter, sending the Patriots back to the Super Bowl in convincing manner. No controversy here, nope. Until…

Monday, January 19 – Controversy breaks out when the New England Patriots are accused of under-inflating their balls, and the country erupts in the most discussion we’ve had about air pressure since the Hindenberg disaster.

Wednesday, January 21 – A confused Richard Sherman realizes the Seahawks have suddenly become the good guys.

Thursday, January 22 – Tom Brady gives a press conference on balls, and the internet shuts down. Millions of grown men spend the entire day watching clips on NFL.com and laughing like Beevis and/or Butthead.

Saturday, January 31 – In their final meeting with their teams before the Super Bowl, Seattle coach Pete Carroll tells his team to “have fun out there.” New England coach Bill Belichick tells his team to “win or I’ll fire all of you. And I’ll probably fire most of you anyway.”

6:00pm, February 1, 2015 – NBC’s Super Bowl broadcast officially begins, promising the most in-depth coverage ever. I can only assume that’s true because prior to this game, no broadcast has ever featured a separate camera just covering the ball boys.

6:05pm – A commercial for Mountain Dew airs that makes it seem like the beverage makes you dance, which is true only if you’ve ingested a lot of it and there’s someone in line for the bathroom ahead of you.

6:19pm – The National Anthem is performed by Idina Menzel, or as John Travolta would call her, “Uhnahana Bahzeemly.”

6:28pm – Chevy airs a commercial that simulates everyone’s television going off. Chevy apparently hasn’t noticed that a large part of the country is under a massive snowstorm and could lose signal at any moment. Very sensitive. What’s next? Maybe Chevy could run an ad with a fake news story about a measles outbreak at Disneyland.

6:31pm – Super Bowl XLIX begins, brought to you by cars, taxes, and TV shows on NBC that will be cancelled by the time next year’s Super Bowl comes around.

6:36pm – New England punts. Bill Belichick wonders if there’s anything in the rulebook stating the footballs must be inflated with oxygen, as opposed to helium, or perhaps the breath of angels.

6:53pm – Seattle’s Jeremy Lane injures his arm after intercepting Tom Brady at the goal line. To taunt New England, Seattle inflates the air cast two pounds light.

7:05pm – We get a commercial for the next Terminator movie, which poses the question, “Why is it every time they send a Terminator back from the future, it gets older?”

7:11pm – The Patriots score, taking a 7-0 lead. Overcome with happiness, on the sidelines Bill Belichick makes a noise like Gollum.

7:14pm – Millions of small businesses wonder how avocados could afford to have their own Super Bowl commercial.

7:16pm – A commercial for “Fast And The Furious 7” bends the laws of physics and reality even more than Vin Diesel’s career.

7:20pm – People start taking their bathroom breaks during the action so as not to miss the commercial breaks, because there’s nothing of interest happening during the game.

7:21pm – Nissan runs a commercial that not only doesn’t make me want to buy a car, but also makes me think that racers are horrible fathers, and that kid is going to grow up to have some serious problems.

7:33pm – Marshawn Lynch scores a touchdown. A sideline camera shows Pete Carroll silently saying to himself, “Don’t grab your crotch, please don’t grab your crotch.”

7:35pm – McDonald’s runs a commercial where you can pay for their food with love. However, since you can’t pay for the eventual heart bypass with love, it still might not be worth it.

7:47pm – Tom Brady throws a touchdown pass to Meathead Rob Lowe.

7:49pm – After another depression-inducing ad, America begins to realize that all of the commercials for this Super Bowl have been underwritten by Prozac, Xanax, and lifelong therapy.

7:59pm – Seattle takes a big chance with six seconds left and scores a game-tying touchdown. We go to halftime, which is brought to you by Pepsi, the hugs of the “Today” show cast, and more bittersweet commercials that make you want to call your mom.

8:12pm – Katy Perry begins her halftime show, which seems to be taking place in “Tron.”

8:17pm – Katy Perry’s performs “Teenage Dream,” which apparently is all about that time she dropped acid at the beach and the surfboards and beach balls started talking to her.

8:20pm – Katy Perry concludes her show by flying around on the star from the NBC “The More You Know” ad campaign.

8:24pm – Bob Costas comes back on to remind us all that the first half did not suck as much as we thought, and we should come back for the rest of the game.

8:33pm – The second half begins. Somewhere, Johnny Manziel wakes up.

8:47pm – Brady throws his second interception of the game, and Seattle’s Cliff Avril goes down. A woozy Avril is taken to the sideline to determine if he has a concussion, or if perhaps he just had a halftime drink with Bill Cosby.

8:50pm – With his fourth catch, Seahawk Chris Matthews becomes America’s favorite Chris Matthews. Which really wasn’t that hard, honestly.

8:53pm – Seattle scores to make it 24-14. Lenny Kravitz offers to return kicks for New England, since he didn’t get to do much at halftime.

9:19pm – A trailer for “Ted 2” shows Tom Brady throwing the stuffed bear. The NFL promptly confiscates Ted to check his inflation, which will be the plot of “Ted 3,” coming Summer 2017.

9:47pm – In a marketing tie-in, New England gets a tip from “The Blacklist’s” Raymond Reddington that leads to a Patriots score, making it 28-24.

9:57pm – The Seahawks get a miracle catch to get the ball down inside the Patriots five yard line, where they will surely give the ball to the unstoppable Marshawn Lynch for the go-ahead touchdown!

10:00pm – Ha-HA! Just kidding. The Seahawks make the worst offensive decision since Hitler thought he could beat Russia on their home turf in winter. The Patriots intercept the ball.

10:01pm – The Seahawks play calling leaves Marshawn Lynch speechless.

10:02pm – Just to make sure the game stays exciting, the last twenty seconds of the Super Bowl turn into a scene from “Roadhouse.”

10:04pm – The Patriots win the Super Bowl. The NFL literally bursts with excitement at the thought of going into the offseason investigating and possibly fining or suspending the Super Bowl champion team. The only way it could be better is if Tom Brady jumps in his MVP car and runs over Katy Perry.

10:10pm – The Patriots ball boy sneaks into the bathroom to deflate Pete Carroll’s resume.

– Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s novel “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape” is available from Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.

Comments

  1. Was it really that exciting? 🙂

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