Von Shining Moment: The Unofficial Official Super Bowl Fifty Timeline

Sunday, January 31, 2016 – Denver moves on to the Super Bowl in a thrilling win over New England that goes down to the final minute. Three hours later, Carolina advances with a win over Arizona so lopsided, Cam Newton plays the entire fourth quarter without a helmet, wearing a “Panthers NFC Champions” hat.

Monday, February 1, 2016 – The Panthers arrive in California, and Cam Newton’s pants trend on Twitter. And I don’t have a joke here, either. That’s actually what happened.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016 – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announces the NFL plans to play games next season in London, Mexico City, and Mars. He also briefly mentions the NFL’s studies on football air pressure, then vanishes through a secret trapdoor into his underground supervillain lair.

Thursday, February 4, 2016 – ESPN announces a new afternoon talk show, “Pant-O-Loons,” featuring lively debate between Stephen A. Smith, Skip Bayless, and Cam Newton’s pants.

Saturday, February 6, 2016, 8:00pm – The Hall of Fame announces this year’s class of inductees. Terrell Owens does not have to get his popcorn ready. The NFL makes a hard moral stand here, as the guy who was tough to get along with in locker rooms is passed over in favor of a receiver who very possibly could have murdered somebody.

8:30pm – At the NFL Awards ceremony, Cam Newton wins the Offensive Player of the Year, MVP, a Grammy, an Emmy, the Cannonball Run, a Pulitzer, a Nobel Peace Prize, and the final season of American Idol.

Super Bowl Sunday, 10:00am – Media announce Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch is contemplating retirement, although he hasn’t spoken to anyone about it. Or to anyone, ever.

5:30pm – In the pregame, broadcaster Phil Simms refers to Cam Newton as a “good thrower of the football,” as if the word “passer” doesn’t exist.

5:48pm – We get a celebrity montage from Ron Howard, where we discover retired David Letterman now looks a lot like Howard Hughes.

6:10pm – The NFL presents a ceremony featuring all the previous Super Bowl MVPs, including Phil Simms, who takes time out from being an awful, awful broadcaster to attend.

6:16pm – The torch is officially passed at the Super Bowl. Cam over Peyton? Even better. Jim Gaffigan ascends to Colonel Sanders.

6:30pm – The National Anthem is performed by Lady Gaga, who seems to be a different person every time she appears.

6:37pm – The game officially begins, brought to you by an angry Kevin Hart, Captain America, and avocados.

6:45pm – Denver’s first drive ends in a field goal, brought to you by Batman or Superman, or possibly both.

7:05pm – In a marketing tie-in, our first replay challenge is officiated by Sheldon from “The Big Bang Theory.”

7:07pm – Cam Newton gets the ball stripped by Von Miller, which results in a Broncos touchdown. Peyton Manning celebrates on the sidelines for a moment before Denver trainers rush over to keep him from jumping up and down.

7:23pm – The first quarter ends with Denver up 10-0. Carolina has two punts, two fumbles, and fifty-one yards total. That is certainly not Dab-worthy.

7:30pm – Aqib Talib gets flagged for the most flagrant one yard facemask penalty in NFL history, and the Panthers score. Jonathan Stewart celebrates by doing what appears to be the Hand Jive from Grease.

7:37pm – Carolina challenges whether or not Peyton Manning was down on a sack, which forces us to view super-slow-speed replays of Manning getting hit in the crotch several times. If he retires after this game, Manning can use this tape for his audition for the next “Jackass” movie.

7:42pm – The Broncos have now gone three-and-out for the third straight time, giving this game a throwback feel to it. Unfortunately, that throws us back to the 80’s.

7:46pm –To make things interesting on a punt return, Carolina decides to pretend Denver called a fair catch.

7:58pm – Coca-Cola runs a commercial where Ant-Man steals a Coke from the Hulk, who responds by rampaging through the city in chase. If the Hulk is willing to destroy office buildings just over a lost beverage, maybe the whole idea from the next Captain America movie about super-heroes having to register with the government makes sense.

8:04pm – Peyton Manning throws an interception. ESPN responds by running a poll asking viewers whether Manning should retire at halftime.

8:23pm – Halftime begins. Millions of people start writing posts on social media about how bad the Super Bowl Halftime Show is.

8:30pm – The Super Bowl Halftime Show actually begins. Coldplay leads off, apparently performing inside a Prince video from the late 80’s.

8:35pm – Bruno Mars and Beyonce perform with their entourages running and dancing at each other, which makes it seem like we’re either going to see a gang fight or possibly a commercial for some new dating service.

8:42pm – The halftime show ends with a “Believe In Love” theme. We promptly go back to the broadcast to check on how many players have been concussed or injured so badly they can’t play in the second half.

8:51pm – Carlos Santana plays us back to the broadcast with some first half highlights, for no discernable reason.

8:57pm – Phil Simms explains to us that because the temperature has dropped from the kickoff, that’s good for the players because it’s cooler. He also goes on to tell us that milk is tasty, and he has a dog named Scotty.

9:09pm – Liam Neeson does a commercial for 4K televisions. Or maybe it was for briefcases. Or a new movie. Or maybe those Tron motorcycles. Or possibly for a Scottish boy band, I have no idea.

9:40pm – Carolina kicks yet another field goal to make it 16-10.

9:51pm – Peyton Manning throws an incomplete pass to Demaryius Thomas. Even Demaryius Thomas had forgotten that Demaryius Thomas was in this game.

9:55pm – Helen Mirren yells at all of us for drunk driving.

10:02pm – Cam Newton gets his signature postseason moment, as Von Miller knocks the ball out of his hand and Newton doesn’t try to dive and recover it.

10:05pm – The Broncos score to make it 24-10. Von Miller seems like a runaway favorite for MVP, and Peyton Manning

10:24pm – Much like the town from Footloose, Santa Clara becomes a Dab-free zone.

– Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s novel “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape” is available from Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.

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